Okay I’m in a confessional mood. I’m having an unguarded sort of day. I think it would help me to blurt some things out in the sort of public that is 43T. Much of it I’ve already said at various times. It’s not really that interesting. But if you think reading this might be depressing or distressing, be warned. As always, I welcome thoughts & ideas about what I say, but I must confess I may be exposing some nerves & am not 100% certain how I might respond to any given type of comment. Those of you who know me well (you know who you are! ; ) ) can most likely say anything to me about anything!
Not that you have to say anything. I used to just put this stuff in my journal. Guess I thought I’d try the group therapy thing. ; )
I’ve found a new friend who seems to really have his crap together (well…he’s a CEO & investor…) and he’s taken an interest in trying to help me solve my problems. He told me he suspects I need to stop tinkering, pick something, and start building.
LOL true….. I told him I think I mainly work on poems because I’m making an endless supply of bricks instead of building a house. Not entirely fair to myself, but true in a way.
Quick shift of focus. I need to unburden myself of the destruction my parents wrought on my psyche. When I talk about my issues with Mr. Reality, he invariably asks me WHY. WHY am I so insecure about everything, blah blah blah. I don’t think this is the right question to ask, but I guess it is hard not to ask it. Having been through lots of therapy, normally I readily answer, “Ah you know my parents f’d me up.”
Well, they did. So what. I may never even be ready to consider forgiving them to be desirable. I’ve made a kind of semi-peace with it. And I do know that I love(d) them for their good points.
Mr. Reality then always says something like, “Geez, how can this still bother you! You’re [my age], after all!”
Ah, he can’t understand. Not to mention he’s in denial about his own family issues.
But he’s got a certain point. I have to deal with the flaws I would have had anyway had my parents not psychologically battered me on a regular basis and done nothing to reinforce my trust of people in general. I have to unburden myself of thinking of myself as my parents’ victim. I am [my age], after all. ;D
So. My social phobia. I’ve been thinking about the fact that social interaction in the abstract, unrelated to any specific situation or person, gives me a feeling similar to when I see a spider: eeeeek! I saw this episode of Mythbusters where one of the guys tries to cure his apiphobia (phobia of bees) with self-hypnosis (it doesn’t work) and they test the results by measuring his stress levels while he keeps his arm in a box of bees for five minutes (or was it one minute? too long, from his face). He wasn’t successful at treating himself with hypnotherapy, but they only tried it for one week because they were out to test the outlandish claims of some of the advertisers. My point is though that being around people for me about 95% of the time is like putting my arm in a box of bees. Only worse, because I’m not afraid of bees. And better, too, I guess, because I do sometimes also enjoy things about it. But that irrational thing is always there.
But I’m on another level a really social person. That’s why I’m here, after all (on 43T, not in existence, I mean). I don’t do well in isolation. I mean…I’m comfortable being alone in the immediate sense, but not at all comfortable not having people in my life whom I can talk to on a regular basis.
I’ve been text chatting up a storm lately. It’s absolutely incredible how much more at east I am talking to people in writing rather than in person. Switching from text to voice in the midst of a conversation yesterday I was overwhelmed by how disorienting it was. Suddenly I had way, WAY too much to deal with. It was very interesting.
I also become very anxious and fearful when making a transition from being in a solitary (or very comfortable/habitual, as with Mr. Reality) environment to any kind of social environment at all. I think this is why I have a hard time being on time, generally. The closer I get in time to actually being with people, the more I fear it. Luckily, once I’m there, I’m more or less fine. Then I’m not fearful, I’m just more or less awkward.
I wonder if a lot of people feel this way, or like this but to a lesser extent?
Sometimes I think about this and it seems silly to even write about it. Like, that’s a problem? But it’s totally affecting my life. It’s affecting my ability to feel hopeful about lots and lots of things. It causes me to be too dependent on Mr. R, which is bad for both of us. It’s also making it harder for me to recognize and deal with ways he may be too dependent on me, or rather, on my being a certain way. He has a phobia of self-improvement and therapy, LOL, so I am going to have to lead us both step by step if this is ever going to improve. I don’t want us to turn into my parents…or his. And that’s not the least likely thing in the world at this point. I am also not going to continue being a certain way just because it’s more comfortable for him. But if I am more proactive about my problems, it will be easier for me to change in a way that hopefully he will be able to deal with without running away. He’s not a complete Neanderthal, after all. But this isn’t going to be easy and I’m not going to back down. I’ve become physically incapable of retreating in certain ways any more. LOL I had nothing to lose but my chains. And my tender notions of romance…. LOL
While there are certain explanations, I wonder if it isn’t more helpful to stop asking WHY I am like this, in fact just set that question aside completely as having been something like thoroughly explored, and just pursue how to forge ahead and become more comfortable in the world of human beings. Maybe then I’d also be a little less constantly p.o.’d at all the pointless stupidity and cruelty in the world. I do believe in lighting a candle rather than cursing the darkness…I have better things to do than curse, except of course on those rare occasions when cursing is actually enlightening….
Obviously I still have some associations with messages I got about myself that are hindering me, which it helps me to be aware of. Like, “If you are so smart why aren’t you more well-behaved?” and “No one is ever going to like you if you argue all the time!”
Well, fuck that. I’m scrappy. LOL
It annoys me that these issues won’t just go away. Maybe I really haven’t gone through the proper steps of enlightenment. I do spend about half my time pretending that nobody ever hurt me.
But there’s also the thing about the phobia. I think there’s a lot of simple genetic shyness in my family. Well…hahaha, that’s probably one of the kindest things you can say about my genes. Oh well. I’m glad I HAVE genes. I’d be protoplasm without them.
But it may be useful to me to own a little of my fear and mistrust of people as just something that came with being me, that maybe I can therefore get rid of or mitigate or at least make peace with by figuring out what situations really are beyond my comfort zone and that I can stop feeling guilty about that and focus on what I’m good at. Edit: I do think it’s best to spend a certain percentage of one’s time beyond one’s comfort zone, testing the limits. But I need to figure out more clearly what my limits are. Working within one’s comfort zone isn’t by definition BAD, either. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to prove I was good enough at doing things I didn’t even care that much about. You can’t ever prove anything to most people, anyway; most people don’t get beyond their preconceptions, or they just don’t care….ramble ramble There’s a lot of stuff I am good at, after all. There’s no earthly reason I should necessarily feel that life requires a hefty dose of absolute torture.
LOL
I really have been feeling that way. What a waste of time!
Ok thanks for listening.
: )
