loosen up

I want to be more open and loosen up and have fun. I only seem to do that when I’m intoxicated.
When I’m around other people, I feel uncomfortable and worry that I won’t look perfect in their eyes. I am a nice person, but I think people feel I am unapproachable because I am somewhat shy. Once I get to know people, I am not as shy, but I still feel I hold back. I don’t say some things that I think because they may think I’m stupid. I don’t do things I might want to do because I don’t want people to judge me. I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but I do!

sometimes it’s better to be fun than to be cool

Just do it. :P

I’m finding that a lot of things in life are harder to think about doing than to actually do. Funny how that works.

Empathize more. Internalize less. Need to show more interest in what others have to say, and follow my own random train of thought less. That train isn’t going anywhere. I genuinely try to be a nice guy, so it bugs me that I come off as rude or disinterested more than I mean to. This is something I need to work on. And hopefully the more I stop overthinking, the better I’ll get at having more enthusiasm for things and taking risks. As I said before though, this should all start with getting out more. I’m gonna be too busy to overthink everything to death. I’m comfortable with my level of thought; I need to start doing now.

The more people I’m around, the easier this will get. That’s what it comes down to. Immersion. I’ve got some ideas along those lines.

Sometimes, I’d like to be as audacious as the rest of you.

Sometimes, I really have to tell myself to breathe. If it takes a lot of effort to relax, it probably isn’t relaxing, isn’t it..?

it took me a long time to loosen up, but now i do!

wow, i used to be shy and unpopular, i was afraid of sounding stupid or saying the wrong thing and stuff…

now i changed! now i’m cool and popular, i don’t give a damn about swearing when i feel like it and talking shit around people, and i am so social and stylish!

SO HAPPY :)

My theater class is definitely helping me loosen up. I am uncomfortable a lot in the class, but it’s helping me loosen up.

I’ve been thinking more about my inability to stop overthinking everything, loosen up, and just have fun. This is what normal people do all the time, and it’s a mode of thought I haven’t quite unlocked in my own psyche. I have however been scrutinizing myself and trying to determine why that is. And the best answer I can come up with is that I’m simply too focused on my flaws and mistakes, however small.

It’s not that I loathe everything about myself. My essential being, my emotions, intellect, my abilities to analyze, perceive, feel and comprehend… basically, my consciousness, I’m fairly secure in. I’m satisfied with who I am in my own head, perhaps even too satisfied.

But for some reason I hone in on every little thing I find wrong with myself, and beat myself to death with it mentally. I have my flaws meticulously cataloged as things I need to correct about myself, and I review them on a regular basis. Half of my 43T list is just flaws I want to correct. And the list goes on and on, from the smallest mundane detail to major missed life experiences. Basically anything that makes me less than the person I should be. Oh, also, over-analyzes own flaws? That’s a flaw too.

And it extends to my interactions with other people. Especially there, in fact, as I want them to see that image of who I want to be. I can’t bear the thought of anyone thinking I’m lame, and I don’t know why. Mentally I review everything I say before, after and while I’m saying it. I try to make every word out of my mouth embody what my personal ideal should sound like. I always have to be witty, insightful and deep, because that’s the standard I hold myself to. I rarely am though, and so end up leaving awkward silences most of the time. The notion of attempting a joke that falls flat is horrifying to me. Even when I make a small mistake like calling someone by the wrong name or otherwise misspeaking, I mentally replay it for hours after. Every time I attempt to engage other people and feel like I’m ignored, I review what I did and ask myself where I went wrong.

I manage to avoid lapsing into serious self-loathing by believing in my ability to be that ideal in my head, and approaching my shortcomings logically, as imperfections to be fixed. I’m just too self-aware, I suppose. That’s just the standard I hold myself to. I need to be perfect all the time, and I’m not, and it annoys me. And I don’t know how to be okay with that.