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lovelite 7 years ago


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Dawn TreaderWell, it's not going to be with M...

...That signalled the end of that possibility, and I had concluded that we were not kindred spirits in some unavoidable ways, even though I enjoy her company.
So, no regrets, I’ve managed to communicate our differences without offending her in any way, and we ended up making a mutually agreed decision to not pursue further, but stay connected as friends for fun & networking. I really hope we do. 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderOh well... That's nice...

After writing the last entry my daughter rang, then M texted and we spent 40 minutes on the phone catching up about 26 hours spent yesterday and another load of related chat & all…
So no doubt about her desire to be involved & exploring.
I think that I have to simply remind myself that all relationships have to be BUILT by genuinely exploring the reality of who each other is/are, what you each believe life is about and should be about, and how you fit together in that ambition.
That takes time together.
That’s called dating.
That’s called behaving in a healthy, adult, non-addictive way.
:-)) 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderWell, curious progress & discoveries with M yesterday

  • and enjoyable night out on Friday
  • Conversations through 26 hours where she seemed very pre-occupied with sex…
  • and for some reason I kept bringing gender orientation issues up. Goodness knows why. All I want is to be part of a hetero couple
  • we had a couple of very enjoyable tumbles in bed. Very different in mental character from my adventure with G in the autumn. No fetish overtones and no over-idealism of her body but a total pleasure in connecting though… But there was some undercurrent…
  • she kept diverting into biting in kissing, which I find a complete turn-off. In what way is someone acting aggresively towards you a way of communicating intimacy and affection?
  • then later she told me that she had totally enjoyed the day, but knew that she was not in love and would take a long while to feel really emotionally connected again…
  • but emailed me to say she’d had a lovely time and felt she was getting to know me – perhaps for the first time in reality.

Maybe she’s right. Certainly when we dated 3 years ago I felt very over-shadowed and ashamed about what had happened in my 2nd marriage, so was probably putting a strong gloss on who I ame across as, whereas now I’m very frank with anyone that I get close to.

Anyway, the onus is as much on me to work out what I truly want in life and in love and pursue it and be open and clear in communicating it, or there’s no chance of others knowing whether they want to be part of it. (including me!!!)

I think my 43T list itself demonstrates that I’m too vague and unfocussed about what I want to do to really succeed. 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderA corner has been turned

A wonderful day yesterday that brings M and I into joint exploration of how a life shared might be a life where we each live and are loved in return. I know that’s what we both hope for, and my instinct is that we have real complementary strengths to bring to each other.
It’s a brighter world today. 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderI'm reminded of the currency of this goal...

...by my dialogue with Gitana, and a common feeling that I perceive of a longing for something missing.
Well, I’m off for a walk today with my friend M, and I’m curious about how much we could help each other with our lives.
We’ll see. 2 years ago


Nina 6 years ago


Jessica

Dawn TreaderWho can I remember feeling like this about? However briefly, misguidely etc

  • Chris ?
  • Margaret
  • Adrienne
  • Julie
  • Sally
  • Josie
  • Vee
  • Sue
  • Sarah

Everyone else since then, I have just felt panicked by the fear that it would all just fly out of control.
And now here’s someone I believe I could trust – if we’re genuinely on the same page about what we’d like life to be about.
The ‘fear’ emotion that I’m recalling makes me realise that this emotion that I’m feeling now is a mixture of hope, excitement, anticipation… And fear. 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderGahhh... I've gone into the gooey space where all objectivity disappears...

...and all I can think is “Could M be The One?”.

Why would she be? Because:
  • we make each other laugh
  • she knows I’m not perfect
  • but still enjoys my company…
  • I know I trust her to act with integrity
  • and to speak honestly and openly
  • she looks pretty and attractive in a brassy Tom boy girlie way that can walk across moors for hours, dive, sali and climb but still slither into a ballgown and transmogrify into social charm
  • we had a strange physical relationship
    3 years ago, because I was spooked by my sexual obsessions and need to be having sex with a size 12 30 year old.
  • I genuinely believe that I have grown out of that, and deeply want to connect with someone at every level.

There are a thousand other things, and I’m struggling to stay objective.
I can’t take this much further without asking her out.
I believe she’s already seeing another guy – another Paul.
But I also get the v strong impression that this could be sacrificed if a better offer came along.

THE POINT IS
  • I can imagine a thousand things we would enjoy doing together
  • I can’t imagine a social situation where either of us would be ashamed of being with the other
  • she knows about my most shameful stuff, and we’re still friends.
  • but is she thinking the same things about me? That I could be mire than a friend. 2 years ago

Dawn TreaderAnd then I went and watched 'Notting Hill', after a day like...

...this.

Hopeless romantic. But I’m pretty sure I was feeling like that) before I started watching the film!!!

2 years ago


Dawn TreaderThere's a chunk of me wondering whether this couldn't be M.

She is honest, brassy in a Lancashire Farmer way…
Determined, strong, latterly feminine and up for adventure,
A shrewd businesswoman. More shrewd than me. Caring about kids, people, families, communities. Blunt.
She has a habit of being somewhat cynical, and of making rhetorical jokes to make her point. But under it is a heart of gold. If she were for you, no-one could be against you.
And I’m meeting her for gym, sauna & lunch on Thursday.
I have no idea whether she thinks this is a date or a friends morning together.
We dated 3 years ago and I was in no state to be involved with anyone about anything. She dived in deep, and I nearly threw up or actually did, day after day, week after week, at the sub-conscious thought/fear that this woman (ANY woman) could turn out to be as paranoid and destructively vindictive as my 2nd wife. So I bailed out. Nothing to do with her. Just couldn’t possibly bring myself to trust anyone, including her, at that point.

Well, is it different now? I hope so.
Is she a prospectively great partner? I don’t know. She’s a running mile better than a thousand others.
I want to try and find out. :-) 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderI'm starting to get my head round the challenge...

This insight has passed across me on occasions in the past, but I’ve let go of it again and not built it into behaviour.
So….
The thing is…
I’m a total emotional sponge. When it comes to almost any kind of contact, I mirror the behaviour of the other person heavily. And this gets even more extreme in an intimate relationship. I’ve had relationships with women with a wide variety of temperaments, and on reflection, I’ve ended up feeling carefree, resentful, positive, cynical, generous and loving, etc etc… Whatever they were like…
So….
I just can’t afford to go getting involved with anyone that would drag me down again. I have been there, the effect on ne was a nightmare, and it’s pretty obvious to me that I’m still recovering from it.
I’ve been dating this rather fetish-y woman over the last month or so, and she’s a typical case in point. Basically v self-preoccupied, and there’s no way that I would ever break her out of that. I just can’t think and act in my more generous ways of living when I’m around her.
So….
One more reason for needing to hold my fire, find a way somehow to be a lot clearer and firmer about who I want to be, and find a really positive-minded partner who will complement that rather than a number of people who have undermined the best that I was trying to do and be.
I shouldn’t have let them, but equally, I just have to be realistic that I grew up being told pretty firmly what to do next, and it’s a hard instinct to kick.
So… Just Hold your Horses, boy!!! 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderPart of finding the right person to love and be loved by is...

to be joyful again. To regain my own Chutzpah. To re-start doing things that I relish and love. With people who relish and love them. That fill me with joy. That put me in places where my eyes are glistening with the energy of the moment. That re-instigates the magic dust of living life to the full and finding others who share in that. 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderGo back to Go, do not collect £200

I marked this as “Done” a little while ago, because
  • I HAVE done this, in at least two, I would say 3 or 4 relationships, if only in a less than perfect way, as evidenced by the fact that here I am again, pretty much single for the last 4 years give or take a couple of diversions.
  • As I wrote a month or so ago, I felt inspired back in November to look at re-visiting the most passionate relationship I ever experienced. It’s now clear that my exploration in that direction isn’t going to work out, and I’ve thought a lot about that and come to accept that I’ve now completely put that possibility behind me.
  • When I did some new work on my vision for life this morning, it became obvious (as though I hadn’t always known it!) that really a core element of my vision of a wonderful life is to share it with a special person, and just like anything else in life, this isn’t just going to happen unless I set out to work out who, why, where, when, how I’m going to discover such a person and explore, grow, feed, nurture and loving relationship when it becomes clear that I have found them…

So, in a sane, considered way, this is back on the 43Things list… 2 years ago


dblicke2 4 years ago


Dawn Treader 3 years ago


bluegreenheart 2 years ago


Dawn TreaderOMG... I have gone and (nearly) done it...

Almost entirely subliminally, in a process of less than 20 minutes out-of-the-blue decision making (From the moment when I was stood in the middle of Wales with a mug of tea thinking about her, only to realise she had texted me 30 mins before, and we spoke fir the 1st time since August), I have arranged for a coffee tomorrow with Julie, Jools, Jules, the erstwhile love of my life, who I last saw 4 years ago, last dated 12 1/2 years ago but still ADORE (as I have often as-good-as admitted on here)as quite probably the only woman I could imagine sharing my life with. the only woman that I could imagine, right now, ever being able to trust with my life. There may be others, but I havn’t found them!

I’m therefore planning to ask her whether (even though she’s currently married to my successor in the serial monogamy of her life), she would ever consider backtracking (forward tracking to a second time-around for us).
I’m planning to tell her that right now I cannot conceive of anyone else that I would trust with the rest of my life, and there is no-one else that I would dig deep for and raise their kids. There are many things i would have to change, but I will for her, if she wants it. 2 years ago


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