let God lead me to my loyal faithful provider protector husband

Something dawned on me. God wants me to marry not only for my sake, but also for my husband. It’s not just that I need a provider protector husband. My husband also needs me, to protect his heart, soul, and relationships. I may be small and fragile, but when it comes to fighting spiritual wars, I am a mighty warrior.

My heart has developed a crush on someone, and I don’t like it. I didn’t think this was possible at first. It’s usually teens that go through this sort of emotional experience and I am in my late thirties.

Nevertheless, I have to start dating. I don’t like it either, but it’s a process in life I cannot avoid.

All the other goals on my list makes me feel more confident, yet this one makes me feel more vulnerable.

Ever since I put this goal on the 43T list, I noticed there are more and more men approaching me, in grocery stores, in gym, on the street. I am not used to attracting this kind of attention from the opposite gender. I have been a geek girl all my life.

I think what I truly want is a big brother, who is a best friend, confidant. If I have a daughter, I will tell her that the best life for a woman is a single life where men always see her and accept her as a vulnerable human being, but never as a sex object, never as a fulfillment for some hopes and dreams.

I am reluctant to put this item on my list because the goals listed here has a strange way of being fulfilled even when I don’t actively work on them.

Although I am approaching 40, I am still hesitant to get married. Marriage is full of difficulties. It’s harder than running twenty marathons. I’d rather be independent and happy on my own. Single life offers more peace and ease.

Yet it seems like marriage is God’s plan for me. So I open my heart to his leading.

Instead of hoping to find my other half. I decided to ask God to change me, to give me the attitudes, thoughts, habits that build lifelong relationships of respect, understanding, honesty, loyalty, and trust, and to remove all attitudes, thoughts, habits that block me.

The toughest challenge in building a relationship for is that it requires awareness, attention, consideration, and time. This seems simple but with a stressful job, a stressful life, there is little room for a relationship to grow.

The truth is my other half is out there, but our relationship cannot grow because our hearts are filled with anxieties, worries, fears, doubts, and our time is taken up by our jobs and demands.

Do I really have an other half out there? Sometimes I wonder. It’s odd though. Whenever I quiet down all my own thoughts and listen to the source of wisdom, the answer is clearly “Yes. I do have an other half out there.”

I decided to take some actions for this goal. If I do nothing and wait, my other half will never show up knocking on my door. Goals don’t complete themselves if I do nothing about them. Everything worthwhile is completed through persistent effort.

So, I must take a step.

When I was young I used to be attracted to guys who like me, who are nice to me. Now I realized that just liking me and being nice to me isn’t enough. If he does not have compassion, kindness, honesty, patience towards others, sooner or later he will lose it for me too.

The right guy for me is someone who is simply a good person to all humanity, who has good characters, integrity, strength, wisdom, honor.

It’s been about seven years after the divorce. I’ve traveled a long way. For the first few years, I really wanted to never even think about marriage and dating ever in life. I wanted to live single for the rest of my life. Then, as the wounds heals little by little, I began to notice the little clues the universe is sending me. A guy that smiles and says hello, a young man tries to start a conversation, a gentleman made my heart wishing I had a husband or a son like him, finally a few dates (pretty bad ones but nevertheless progress).

I wonder where life is headed the next.