On July 17 I wrote : this one represents so much of what i want for myself.

Im not entirely sure this is true now. At least my insticts say so. Because although I want to pb ans show all the hard work ive done these past gosh 7 years? I don’t want to take steps backward here. Its not about being the person i was in grade 10 and 11. truly I was alone and miserable in my solitude.. needed to train hard and allow my coaches at my high school to let me train hard. But I have no need for that anymore. But I think i need to realize that in order to enjoy myself I am going need to be more kind. I have created this ambievelant identity for myself, existing and seeing that thigns need change, but not achieving what i want nor helping change. Its selfish really. But its selfish too in the respectthatI am aware that I am putting in more than i am recieving. I need to be kind without consequence.

SO that until i do pb.. which will be soon hopefully i can be hapy knowing that the track is my home and that I have treated each guest with kindness even if they didnt treat me well 2 years ago