SELF ESTEEM: RETURN TO THE REAL ME

I remember how I used to stay slim…dancing! I used to always have music on and dance around my flat. I didn’t watch nearly as much telly as I do now.
So a couple of hours dancing in front of the mirror, in the living room and bedroom, listening to MY music sorted me right out today!
Have seen more of my family, making fun plans with my real friends. Being stronger with people who are taking me for a ride. Being positive and outgoing! Thinking about the future!
I’m almost back!!
I think a few drunken nights with my family are in order…need to go to a few gigs and a heavy rave would be good! Plus I need to write more, make more plans, write a diary and have some more time alone.
Walks on my own, a train ride, just sitting listening to my music. Watch less telly and go out more…plus bring some more of the spontaneous aspects back…still a little way to go before I will feel completely back to normal and not to lose my way again!

I don’t feel very much like myself at all at the moment and the hardest thing is that I know it is actually all down to me, my emotions and attitudes. Only I can change this. I began to blame others and reason that I would be happier alone and if I ran to the other side of the world however deep down I know thats not true.
I need to figure out what I want again and take it slowly, I need to calm the fuck down and stop hating on myself!
I don’t like some of my boyfriends friends and I have decided I don’t have to, I have made an effort as much as I can except it is not reciprocated so I wash my hands of them! He can go out with them whenever he likes and from now on I will not moan but I will also not be in attendance. Why should I allow other people to make me feel uncomfortable and less of the person I know I am. I don’t know what their problem is and I am not waiting to find out. Good luck them they add nothing to my life and will never be my friends.
There are others that I like and I will continue to be friendly too but try less to impress, they can make judgements and will do but I can no longer worry what they may or may not think of me.
I have my own very good friends who I should worry more about seeing and calling and being there for. Rather than trying to impress people who I don’t actually know and if I did do I may not like them as much as I currently think. I can’t judge others on outside perceptions, things will happen if they are meant to. If I calm down take it easy and enjoy myself then what will be, will be.
Ah that may not make much sense but to me it has really cleared my head :-)

So I have been continuing to learn and change and I have been sending myself mad, going out of my mind but I finally feel more settled and back to myself. I am being more fun and lively, I am writing more and I am making plans. I am back to debating, especially with my family and talking lots of silly rubbish whilst putting the world to rights.
Yes I am moody and I can become jealous when I care about someone but it was beginning to take me over and I was starting to rely on others to fulfill me and to pay me constant attention just so I felt good about myself. I don’t need to! I am fabulous and I am getting back to the real me and the person I want to be!
New Year and new start again, and I can’t wait!

Yes sometimes I have too much to drink and I kick off for no reason, sometimes I don’t wash my hair for two days, sometimes I get moody and down for no reason, I cry…a lot, I eat lots of rubbish food, I am going to always think that I wish I could drag myself to the gym more, I find it hard to get up in the mornings, I am lazy, I laugh too loudly, I have a soft stomach, I have wide feet, I get bored of my life, I always change my mind, I am indecisive, I smile to myself like a mad person.
This is me and I am going to change and learn and make mistakes but I don’t want to compromise who I am at the core or what I believe in, I need to hang on to that.