create myself

i am a tree hugger. i care about the FDA and the AMA. i like medicine and vitamins. i like being rational and putting others first. im a giver. i am not selfish., i adhere to rules, and want to understand otehrs. i do waiver and yeild for the good of others and the good of the group at times. i am not a spoiled brat. i adore theatre. it makes me feel…............ wonderful. it is about entertainign an audience..inspiring..medicating them with knowledge and witt.

i dont always have to be the funny loud cheerful person. it is okay to be tired, worn out, and want to keep to myself. it is okay to want to jus tbundle in a ball, be with a blanket, and read a book. i love love comfort and snuggling.

high energy
likes stressful things
likes doing too many things (at once)
likes laughing
likes constant attention
likes constant stimulation ie coffee, a drink now and then but prefer coffee!
did i mention likes constant stimulation
and likes escaping and being smothered by…......music, coffee, reading. . . . . .

even though i have made SIGNIFICANT changes in my life, old ways are slowly starting to creep back. there is an event coming up and i get a slight feelin of dread in thinking about getting people together,. i guess becaise it used to be so easy, and now old memories creep back up.

my brain..
now that selective memory is no more, feelings, and memories and thoughttS? confusion? indecisiveness is perhaps heightened. feel like austin poweres after he thawed. lol

“You’re strong” he said to me. He was looking forward. I shrugged. Now that i think about it, i am not exactly strong. i woulnt call it that. i just think that some people are delt different cards than others. no big deal. i just have that belief and i put up with my life (as well as change thigns) because of that belief. i think that i am , i KNOW that i am committed to the ideology that life is bigger than ME. there are people to help, things to learn, and moments to e had. the fact that i have gone into pits of pain, just heightens my awareness of beauty, heightens my awareness of suffering, and of peace. thats all. im not “strong,” i have been given a specific set of cards. my cards have been delt, and YOUR cards have been delt to YOU, reader. lol hehe :) . ill put my religious hat on and say we all have our cross to bear. so what. moving along . . .

wonderfulloved

(since i have chosen this name, “wonderfulloved” its affected my minset. things that are wonderful and love are okay. they are not thing to run from anymore. i can finally embrace it.)

:) :) miracles . . . . my life is a miracle unfolding. and i want to give back. i am running on fumes of a miracle. :)

i have settled mroe into my new space and have become better acquainted ith myself.

it takes very little to make me happy. how much longer will my super excitement to be moved, last?? i am very happy in assisting others, and being of service. i live in a constant state of gratitude. i pray and think positively of everyone an everythign i see. i bless everything throughout the day.

i have (sometimes a too large) appetite for knowledge. my brain has been dormant for awhile so i want to read everything, learn so many languages, and learn so many things about life. i have to slow down and go step my step. i want to read everything all a once!! haha. i am so grateful to be in a state of calm, and focus. my adrenal glands and brain is at peace. this is a beautiful time in my life, and a significant turning point. and i will never forget it.

i am happy meeting new people, learning new things, being honest with myself, and with others in how i feel about them. it feels really good.

i have made the decsion to work on creative thigns, and put my strengths to work and not be a shrinking violet about it. shrinking does not help anyone or help any situation. so why do it!

wonderfulloved

i was looking online for something and i found a sale on a laptop, and presto. I tally up some financial numbers and it comes out to 888, and i think its a SIGN, and bingo bango. I have a laptop on the way. Furthermore, in procrastinating, I check my HOROSCOPE, and it seriously says to stop using the plastic. GAR. but i NEED that laptop man. neeeeeeed it.

I LOVE 43things! thank you website! :) i have done so much learning in the past….. few days! thank you thank you! :)

• * EDIT: if this would ever go into a book, i would call the book, “(Just) One More Cup Of Coffee” lol

I like not wearing makeup, not trying to look pretty, and dressing conservatively. i am not sure why. why do i care so much at projecting a “i am basic” persona? to cover my ability to act like a boisterous clown sometimes? to be “different.” my father said when everyone was dressing hippie style, he wore the most conservative professional button up clothes, and had short hair, to really project a “i am not following the pack” persona. in my genes? Am I truly The Stuck Up Lone Wolf Daughter? Many things are genetic, like unrealistic chocolate-covered grandiosity, and maybe this clothes thing is as well.

fascinating to me… the desire to go against the grain. i used to be SO ADHERED to it. WAY more than i am now. it was like my entire IDENTITY. which was not healthy. alack alack life and its ways of causing people to cope in certain ways.

wonderfulloved

PS: ALSO, the time in my life when i was wearing the tummy tops, and the short skirts (thank you fake tan), were not my most happiest times. they started off vibrant, and then slid into hell. maybe that is why. funny, wearing those old clothes, is weird for me. i tried them on the other day. as a way of revisiting what slipped away? (wow i am getting too dramatic here) i still kept the clothes, that for awhile i could NOT fit into. the clothes – my uniform, if you will, are interesting to me because that person before is dead. and died so quickly. another “person” has emerged, but i let go of who i was so quickly, that it is interesting to mull over who i was, how bright and safe i thought my future was, and how i thought i was going to catapult into the great beyond. i did—in a way…. but a different sort of sticky beyond, with thorns of magnetic lessons that can tarnish, tear, and torture.

i mean is this cup of sugar coffee making me on FIRE with the alliteration , or WHAT?

yes—i dress conservative because i will use anything in my arsenal to portray like i have a functioning brain, and a working memory: one that doesnt lie to the self incessantly, and pretend, and not process goings ons. I think i subconsciously dress this way as a futile yet charmingly brillant way to tatoo my image with “NO, NO i have not had nervous breakdowns, and panic attacks, and have screamed alone in a corner more than my fair share, no no no no that would not be me. my life didnt fall apart, my clothes are Professional.”

i mean REALLY, where is this coffee FROM people? Can i buy stock in it? look into that

One of the things i value is being open, loving, and giving. i am a caretaker type. I am still young and maybe i will look back on this and think i am being silly or nieve. Anyway, i am committed to who i am and that person is a giving, sweet, and kind person. i wont change for anyone. my interest in caring has nothing to do with the end result. it is beside the point. what is important about giving is that there is the pure action of it. i get so passionate about this idea, and then life happens and i loose sight of this ideal that i hold so dear, this concept i base my life upon, and a way of life i have already lived and loved. the important part of giving is in the action, the end result, and what the giver thinks or… how they reciprocate is not important – it isnt the POINT of giving. a strong person i believe is able to live this way. why cant humans just be kind, and go on with their day and not base their lives, or base their PERSONALITIES upon what they do for people. a strong person is able to be this sort of caretaker and i aspire to be this person, i aspire to never again, even for a moment forget about this becaise the most.. successful times in my life.. the most challenging and meaningful time of my life i was very adhered to this. i will be a strong human—aware of my faults, and with an iron clad adhesion to my values, and will not loose sight once again of who i am.

sometimes one has to loose it all to gain it back stronger.

Thank you 43Things, for allowing me to have the space to find myself again.