write letters to my future husband

My dear,
I am not sure if we have met yet, so I write to my future husband as God wills him to be!
I love you and wish for us to be each other’s refuge.
I want to hear your voice in the morning and feel your kisses. I want to please you and cook for you, and be the one you come home to.
I want to be an asset to you and your family.

i think when i get married it will be nice to look back at all the things i wanted in a husband when i was 16 then 22 and then at the man i marry and at how he has flaw and is perfect to me and is nothing like how i though he would be and just as i saw he all at the same time.

I am trying not to lose faith in what I hold so dear. It is just so very hard when my soul is bleeding from the inside.

I am at loss. . . because I love him and my love is no longer desired.

. . . I never gave up.

I wrote another letter to my future husband, but I will not post it here because it is so very personal that I dare not share it with anyone.

I haven’t wrote one for months because I have been very busy being in love and it is so very hard to write objectively to someone that I do not know when my heart is thinking of someone specificly.

As well as it is just hard to just write a letter when it needs to come from the heart and when my heart moves me to write something, then I write. I can’t force myself to write something just to accomplish this goal.

Some day all the letters that I write will be beautifully handwritting and lovingly wrapped in a package for him when the time comes.

i just don’t know how to delete

so many times these last few days,
i have felt you.
i have felt you on the small of my back in a crowded room
i have felt you on the white of m neck,
while the wind played with my hair
i have reached for your hand as i sat in a sailboat,
exploring the pacific.
i imagined your body pressed against mine
as i leaned over the railing of a ferry boat

as i live out the life i no longer want to lead,
i think about you.
i long for you.
i miss you ~ you, whom i’ve never met.

i am tired of substitute companions,
tired of putting a band aid over my broken heart.
it breaks because you have not found me,
because i do not know how to find you.

i know only that i want to break free from these chains,
want to be released from the bondage of replacements
want to be open,

i want my heart to be free to be found,
free to love
free to hope

when i listen to the jazz and rhythm of nature,
i want you with me.
i want to feel your hot breath on the nape of my neck,
i crave your full acceptance.
i yearn to hear your laugh in the morning
i dream of the glow of your unconditional love,
i imagine warming myself in the heat of your desire.

to the one above, i pray you delay this love no longer

written july 3, 2006

i realized today that i already love you with a love unsurpassed.

i guard my heart fiercely and without abandon to save it for you. i guard my body from unwanted advances and intrusions.

i lovingly gather silver and china, dreaming of the days that we’ll dine together. i longingly gaze at my dining room table, wishing it were adorned with food for our family.

at times, i swear i can already feel the breath of you on the back of my neck. days come when my arms ache to hold you, when my breasts long to comfort you. when i tilt my head just so, exposing the whiteness of my neck, i feel your future kisses.

as i walk alone down the street, i think of the days you’ll walk with me. as i sit alone in the theatre, laughing, i think of the times we’ll laugh together.when i am upon my couch, feet extended, i think of the times we’ll fight over the space.

when i look at the other side of my bed,i yearn for the sight of your body next to mine. when i judge my naked self, i crave your loving pinches and unconditional desire.

because i have faith, i believe that you, too, love me with a love unsurpassed. i believe that you, too, guard your heart & your mind for our future. i believe that you stand firm against temptation, that you dream of our children, you hunger for my sweet words at the end of a long day.

will i know you when i see you? will i recognize your touch?
will the dreams and reality stitch together seamlessly? will i have to compromise, deciding between what is utterly important and what i can live without?

how much of this dream is dependent on me? how much of this dream is dependent on timing? how much of this dream is reliant upon my ability to love myself? how much of this dream should i let go?

January 13, 2007

Dear One to my heart,

My thoughts were filled of you today. Your image is still a shadow in my vision, but I know that you are there. Tall, a frame that hold a lithe like strength I have faith that God is between us, even though we might be miles apart. Thought like minded hearts, we are closer then we realize.

I feel silly when I want to say that I wonder what we might talk about day to day. The things that you might say to make me smile or laugh. I might not be able to express my affection as boldly as you might, but I would express the feelings I have for you by the little things I do for you. By God’s grace, I was created to share the feelings I have in my heart. To be able to release those feelings and allow them to bloom is something I have always want to do.

Some of my loneliness stems from that God has blessed me with an open heart that spills over flowing with feelings that go unshared. Deep in my soul, my dreams of sharing my days expressing and sharing what is in my heart still lie unanswered. They reflect as in real life knowing that I can looking in your eyes and see God within you. And with Him we will be one. Falling asleep snuggled next you, knowing that it is no longer a dream that I can awaken from. .Knowing that in my weakness, that you will be the knight that will help protect my heart from the hardness of the world.

In one person, God created the one person to fullfill the desires of my heart. A knight, a soldier, a lover, a friend, a companion, a mentor, a compatriot, a rival toward my many ideas and most of all a husband and a father to my unborn children.

This letter might be overwhelming to you at first, but then if truly, God stands between us, you will have already known these things of me. Because by knowing the desires of your own heart, if God has answered them, then I am she who has been waiting silently in the mist of your mind. You have dreamed of me and wondered in your heart, the same.

By now, you know that your smile and your laughter are the sunshine in my soul, which opens my heart wider with each passing day. To allow myself to be so open and free with my feelings for you is very frightening. The heart is a very fragile thing. A person can live with a broken heart, but most of the time the person becomes bitter with pain. My heart has many scars because I have openly loved people who were harsh with gift I was given. I am not bitter, but just confused why this world is so hard and hurtful. I always hold myself at an arms length from others due to the intensity of their feelings. But you stand in the only space one other person stands close to my heart, and that is God.

my God’s gift of child-like love is misunderstood most of the time. It is not in my soul to hate someone because he or she chooses to lash out and hurt me or others. I only feel compassion for them and the pain that they feel for themselves. You know and understand my thoughts and confusion regarding the workings of the world. I am thankful that you know the deep workings of my soul to know when I need comforted and when I need my own personal time. Only you know that even then I am silent, words do not need to be spoken to express the feelings of the heart. You hear the music that is played by the invisible strings to my soul.

To be able to let our guards down that be keep up in the outside world, and just enjoy life as I have always imaged it to be. I wish that I could share the dream with other people. I know that there are many people unlucky to find the one person that fills the hollowness in their soul. I am not really hollow without you. God has filled that emptiness long ago, but now I am lonely without my God given soul mate, that my heart was promised before I was born. It is to you that I write these letters.

At night, my prayers are filled with support and blessing for you. That God might guide and bless you in what ever venture you might be striving toward. You know in your heart, at that faint guiding star that you feel deep in your soul is me. God’s blessing, all these years, it is I, that has been guiding you home to my heart so that finally that our journey will end and we will be together.

With all the love in my heart ,

O.

December 27, 2006

Dear Husband,

This letter comes from my heart which is full of questions that still lie unanswered, but I know in God’s grace, all will be well. I prayed that you remain strong in all that you do and that you might be able to draw your strength from the Lord, who is the light in my life. I wonder if you too pray for me knowing that I have lows in my life which only the Lord can lift me from at times. I could never share these thoughts with any one other then with the one that would complete me and make me whole. I must admit that I am frightened at the thought of sharing this, yet the Lord moves my heart to light and happy with this moment. I will impart my words, as He bids me to.

This is the time for me to tell you the deepest parts of my soul in which I would never verbalize myself because the spoken word would destroy the moment. I want you to see this letter as if it was a song sung within the inter most regions of a person’s soul. Where most people lock their secrets and desires, allowing no one to see them. The thoughts and feelings that I speak here are usually locked behind my heart and only God has free access to at anytime. Since you are my husband, you too have access to these resources that flow from my soul. I only have to introduce you to the faint melody that my soul plays so that you might be able to find the path that is darkly lit.

Dear, I hope to achieve by these letters a reflection of myself during a time which will not be marred by a face or moved by a current heart felt emotion. The words that I say are only reflected from the depths of heart because they stem from within and how I feel, not by your smile or the timber of your voice. It is a part of me that you can see before you knew me and I knew you. So you may see that what you see in me, is real and pure of heart.

I have always given freely from my heart, as long as I can remember only to understand early on that it can hurt to be so open so I learned from the pain at a young age to be cautious with whom I opened my heart to. God knows that I have always wanted to be free to express how I felt, but always held it back with the fear of feeling the horrible bottomless pain that came with rash decisions of the heart. Only when I became a born again Christian, was I smart enough to ask the Lord to guard and protect my fragile heart from the workings and harsh treatment of this world of man.

I have said these words all too often hoping that a man might truly understand what they meant when I said them. I say them now to you. “ I have nothing to give, but the love in my heart” I say that because I have always felt inadequate to provide certain things in a relationship, but I have always known that my heart could provide love over flowing. If you know me, as I think you might, you would know that I have always freely given what ever money that I had to help others. You might say to the point of hurting myself at times because I choose to help people in need. I see that their need is much more urgent then my own at the time, only to find out that my generous nature was always used by people but never returned when it was need.

I must say that I don’t say those three little words very easily, to the point that I refrain from trying to saying them at times in fear of rejection, yet my heart shows how I feel for you by the things I do. Rejection is hard on a heart. It scars deeply if the recesses of the soul are left open when the blow is hit. I have learned to say what my heart feels in other ways in which you probably have found out. My soul sings when I am able to express how I feel without fear. To be free to love you. To be free to share the simple silly thoughts, as well as the serious deep reflections of soul. To share what is me. And in being able to share those things with you, I am able to become more whole with you because I am being me. A part of me that I share with no one else, but you. You are my soul mate.

The words couldn’t be more truthful because it is with you that my soul is made whole. You strength the weakness that I have. I can only hope that I too, strength you in your times of weakness. It is for this reason I pray for you at this moment and why I write this. My soul yearns for you as I pray that your soul yearns for me. I know that you are out there.

I feel that a part if me is lost and out adventuring the world, without me, yet my soul leaps with joy knowing that someday, God will reunite us together someday.

You will remain in my prayers and I know you are already in my heart.

Always,

Odette

This is kinda silly in a good way… and I like it. I used to do this kind of stuff years ago. I like writing in general because it helps me figure out what I’m really thinking or feeling. Clarity.