I’ve noticed that I’m becoming more complacent, the older I get (I’m 38), and I don’t know weather if that’s a good thing or not. When I was younger and owned nothing, I was more free-spirited and “balls to the wall” (pardon the crassness). I would travel to places without any set agendas and sometimes without any room reservations. I would drive way over the speed limit. I would stay out late with friends on a weeknight, not thinking of what I had to do the next day and I wouldn’t think twice about buying something really expensive if I had the money or credit to do so. These days, I like to plan, stay in nice hotels and I drive more cautiously. I’m careful with my finances. Don’t even try to make plans with me after midnight on a weekday. I’ve become predictable and regimented.

I worry more these days. I think about if I will have enough for my retirement, if I have enough insurance, if I’m doing enough at work to stay on board should there be another layoff. I have more to protect and more stuff that ties me down. In my 20s I used to not give a shit and now I feel somewhat anxious. Could be age? Could be hormone changes associated with age? It could be all this stuff I have to protect. I don’t know. I want to through more caution to the wind in hopes that I could feel like I did when I was 20 something. 7 months ago

What is the purpose/meaning of life? This is something that I have struggled with for years and is probably the source of my anxiety and depression that surfaces every other month like clockwork. The bible tells us it is to honor, praise and serve HIM. Well that was fine back when I was a Christian, but since I’ve become an apostate due to the many fallacies in the Christian doctrine (no offense to Christians. It’s just a matter of opinion), I’ve been on the search for other schools of thought. So far nothing has resonated with me. I always come to the conclusion that we are just minutae spinning in a vast nothingness. Sometimes I take on the nihilistic world view which argues that everything is meaningless. And because I have that tendency, which puts me into a depressed mode, I create things in my life which I determine what matters – mundane, simple, ego driven things, most of which I list on 43things – lol. That’s the only way I will survive mentally in this short time alive. Its a way for me to love life again. 10 months ago