It’s weird when you wake up one day and realize “I’m over it…” I still want to keep this goal, despite its inspiration, and continue to reflect and learn from it so I do not make the same mistake again. 3 years ago

Perhaps it would be more adequate to label this as “redefine my sense of reality.” Hmph. 3 years ago

I hate fairy tales.

It’s not because I’m a horrible person who likes to destroy anything beautiful. The stories can be beautiful, lovely, exciting… but I still hate them.

We are trained to think that, because of these “happily ever after” stories that this is the way life works. How many countless shows are on television, on the movie screen, and in books that describe this situation?: Guy meets girl. Guy and girl like one another. Guy and girl possibly fall for one another. Guy does something horribly insensitive or mean and falls out of favor with the girl. Girl withdraws. Girl pines for guy. Guy realizes the error of his ways. Guy pines for girl. Guy redeems himself, and fights for girl’s affections once again. After little struggle, girl resolves all trust and abandonment issues in the blink of an eye and jumps into the arms of guy. All live happily ever frickin after…

Well la dee da.

We become groomed to think this is the way it works. Thing is- this isn’t reality at all. AT ALL. Sure, there are some flukes and rare instances where something similar happens, but you might as well wish on a falling star for it, because it is unlikely.

And why should we set ourselves up for that disappointment? Why should we mold our minds into thinking that the beautiful things from the past that are dead and gone will resurrect themselves and come to claim us (zombie memories?), saving us from the horrible ever-present now.

I know I’ve disappointed others. I’ve been that person. One of my former significant others, I’m sure, has thought I would realize the “error” of my ways and come running back. But I didn’t. I barely had fleeting thoughts to, and even those thoughts were more because it was uncomfortable being single again. I didn’t pine for him.

And I’ve been disappointed. I’ve had that person. One of my former “significant others” I’d hoped would realize the “error” of his ways and come running back. But he didn’t. He never thought that what he was doing was in any way an error, and ran back from whence he came. It was uncomfortable being with someone. He didn’t pine for me.

Moral of the story- throw the pink glittery books of fantasy, chivalry, and delight away. I’ll make my own story, grounded in reality, happiness, and peace.

I’ve had enough excitement. I don’t need or want any more turbulent relationships. 3 years ago

From Christina: “well it’s not possible to be healthy when the other person isn’t.”
And he definitely wasn’t. It’s like I hone in on the ones who aren’t. Like I want a project- though I really don’t.

Gotta move on. Gotta gotta. But I ain’t movin’ anywhere, it seems. How can you miss something that was so toxic?

Because I know he was a good person despite everything else.

Oh well. Disjointed thoughts. I may complete more later. 3 years ago

is a beautiful thing. 3 years ago

This week, my sense of security will be residing in between the pages of the various books I’ve picked out to read. I want to be a student for life, as I believe we all are, and I want to seek out as much knowledge as possible.

I am starting out with the practical- finances, debt management, creating my budgets again- as well as reading into some humor. 3 years ago

I, in my past, have tended to be very nosy and involved. Perhaps I am still this way. I have promised myself that I would remain silent. If so-n-so broke said silence, fine. But so-n-so has not.

I look for an excuse- a need- to speak to people I have no reason to speak with. My conversation makes me feel good in the moment, but it creates a void- soon I’m wondering why we aren’t talking more often or how come so-n-so isn’t talking to me. Then I drop away- or he does. And it starts all over.

I have nothing to say- not really. I have a few items that I no longer desire to hold on to, and cannot decide whether to just mail them or hand deliver it to the door. I don’t know why- I think hand delivering it might give me more closure, but I don’t know if I’m seeking out another form of communication or what. Sending the items via snail mail is more and more tempting.

My next goal is to learn to value silence, yet also recognize when silence acts as a poison. I need to strike that balance. I should speak only when I have something to say. Fluff, with some people, is absolutely unnecessary and counterproductive. 3 years ago

As far as doing this, I still have not quite gotten where I wanted to with it. The job is still shaky, and I have cut out the major relationship in my life. I wanted it so badly, but I suppose that’s not meant to be at this time. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. All I said and did was interpreted as an attack, and that was not my intention at all.
I’m going to do as much leisure activities as I can this week. There is a NIA class on Saturday morning, going out with a friend on Saturday night. I just need to develop other things to look forward to. I think that’s a good start to this whole redefinition deal… 3 years ago

This may mean adjusting my goals and how I go about achieving them. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Apparently where I work does not appreciate all the heart and soul I had put into the work there, and my attempts at advancement and improvement have been overlooked and ignored- that, or adopted as “someone else’s idea”. Nice. So, maybe I can move up in the world just a little bit. Interview is this Friday, and it’s a completely different area of work than I am adjusted to, but my adjustment doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. Time to make another change and to try something different. 3 years ago

Compassion in Art stated: To choose to be single is sometimes a conscious choice to never again allow your emotional well-being to be placed in someone else’s hands.

Thank you.
I’ve come to recognize that if I wanted to be in a relationship, I needed to be at 100% of myself before I could give myself fully to someone else. I mean, that’s what all this new self-help and law of attraction stuff says, right? It makes total sense and is good advice.

But who says I really needed a relationship? And if you want to take the word “need” out of there- who says that I want that right now? Society. Friends. All those people who go so far as to actually pity you for being single.

Truth is, I determine what I am going to do with each day. It doesn’t have to correspond with the day of another. My whims are my own, and I can follow them as necessary. I have my space. Oh, my sacred space.

My mood for the past 18 months have been determined by another. That is not fair to me. That is not fair to that person. It is not fair to allow another to play such horrid games with your soul.

My sacred space and my sacred heart is my own. 3 years ago