Stop being in love with the idea of being in love.

Here is my story

Saturday,11 September 1964
Jodi Jean Sanders is born in Waller,Harris County,Texas,USA to Jean and Jodi Sanders.

Sunday,3 January 1965
Max Rafael Waller is born in Tijuana,Baja California,Mexico to Maria Mercedes and Max Waller.

1971 – Tijuana Baja, California, Mexico
I have a vision that I would met a girl with baby blue eyes,blond hair,and white skin and she would be born in a place called Waller and her name would be Jodi Jean Sanders. My mom said that when he met my dad in 1963 he had baby blue eyes,blond hair,and white skin before his hair turned dark brown as I remember in 1969/1970. 1971 I believe I met a Mr. Robert Saunders and a Mr. Jack Sanders, but I am not sure.

Saturday,20 November 1976
I arrived at 11261 Sproule Ave Pacoima California 91331 from Tijuana for the first time.

Fall 1976/Spring 1977
At Fenton Avenue Elementary School I began to remember Jodi Sanders.

Charles MacLay Junior High School
12540 Pierce St
Pacoima California 91331
September 1977-June 1980

Fall 1977
I looked for Jodi with no luck.

Monday,17 April 1978
I finally met Jodi Jean Sanders and she told me were are met only once and both go our separate ways,but since I had a vision of her I was reluctant to listen to her. I kept forgeting that April 15,1978 was a Saturday so we would not be at school.

May/June 1978
Jodi started talking to me and I get her sister Christy and cousin Kimberbly “Kimba” Sanders mad at me.

Fall 1978
Jodi goes to Oliver Wendell Holmes Junior High School in Northridge California for mandatory integration and school busing.
Spring 1979 I was my turn to go to Holmes Junior High.

Fall 1979/Spring 1980
the 9th grade and I could never prove my love for her and was self-destructive. She made me feelt complete, but she did not feel the same. Her and her family made me aware that I was human being and that we react differently to all situations and tried to give life coping skills. Jodi’s dad,Jean, said how would I react if in a hypothetical situation. The situation is “How would I cope if I had married Jodi Jean Sanders and we ended in crisis such as financial and matronial problems. especially how would I adapt if Jodi had died as my wife.” I had no plan and could not prove my love except to express it. Jodi practices and has a voice so beautiful that she would be a lead singer in a gospel choir. She could become a professional singer or actress for theater, film, and television. She also is analytical and determine to overcome mental barriers.

Mid-Spring 1980
I had a priest from Guardian Angel parish bless my room twice and I asked God if I should try to be friends with Jodi and if he said no would would stop. I received no sign to I continued with no success.
Positive traits of Jodi Jean Sanders: 1. Self-Love, 2. Extremely grounded, 3. Met her fears, 4. Non-disciplinarian, 5. Non-confrontational, 6. Reserved
Jodi and I were the same height at five feet six inches.

Thursday,12 June 1980
Graduation date and our class name Utopians and the song is “This Is It” by Kenny Loggins

Friday or Saturday,7 or 8 May 1982
I met Jodi Jean Sanders,her dad Jean and Uncle Jack at Rocky V at Whiteman Airport for the San Fernando Junior and Senior High Schools NJROTC ball. Jodi Jean expressed no interest in any kind of relations and I became frustrated and mad and said I might change in two years so look for me. Jodi Jean was one inch taller.

Wednesday,17 April 1985
Jodi Jean Sanders surprised me with a visit and she said she signed in as Jodi Lyn Sanders because she was on Federal Probation or Parole. I offered her matrimony and told her my dad had connections in Housing Authority of the City of Los Angeles,HACLA,and she could live with my family and my dad would help find a place for us while I was in the US Army. She said I will wait for you,but with my pride I said no and ended in a meaningless arguement. I was at Little Creek Virginia training for amphibous warfare and embassy/hostage rescue,15-19 April.

Monday,11 September 1989
I was surprised to see Jodi who was with Ron at Vons in Sylmar California. She was five foot and ten inches in height and I five feet seven inches, As of mid 2007 I am five feet six inches. We ended in another meaningless argument. She said she was engaged to marry Ronald Dom and it would be a 20 year engagement and they would have two kids Barbara Dom and Max Ronald Dom named after Ronald’s dad.

Sunday,7 March 2009
I saw Trace Lashbrook whom I met at San Fernando Junior High School in Spring 1982,she was in NJROTC

Sunday,14 March 2009
I saw Jean and Jodi Sanders at Vons Sylmar in separate checkout stands and I also saw Emily Rose Wasson who was as beatiful as when I met her at San Fernando Junior High School in Spring 1982 where I also met Roberta Carleton the sister of Lois. Emily and Roberta were in NJROTC

Between March and August 2009
I saw a call from Angela Sanders one of the twin sisters of Jodi Jean. The other twin is Heather. I was scared so I did not call and erased the number.

Friday,28 August 2009
I saw Jodi Jean Sanders pass by my home at 11261 Sprolue Ave around 11AM and she parked in front of 11260 Sproule Ave on the Pierce St side. I was scared that we would have a meaningless argument so I did not try to talk to her,but I now regeret not trying.

Friday,4 September 2009
I was at A&D liquor store between Pierce St and Terra Bella St south of Foothill Blvd. and I saw Ronald Dom and possibly Jodi Jean Sanders leave in a black Pontiac. I remembered her asking me in 1978 or 1979 if I could be on her Bucket List. I later found out that a bucket list is a list that people make for activities to do before they die.

Monday,14 September 2009
Did Jodi get married?
Is she still physically alive?
Did she die other than possibly Pancreatic Cancer?
Did she have an addiction?

I began to see a therapist,Mrs. Teru Kanazawa Sheehan because of my fear of her status.

Max Waller
11261 Sproule Ave
Pacoima CA 91331
Phone:1-818-890-2048

Getting over the emotional need born of fairy tales and biochemistry is a worthy goal. It is a necessary step on the way to real unconditional love.

One truly useful tool in the quest would be to learn about the neurochemistry of “romantic love,” and how mammalian biology affects our emotions. Dr. Helen Fisher’s book, Why We Love is an interesting and readable beginner’s guide to neuroelectrochemistry.

I don’t think being in love with love isn’t such a bad thing after all. It’s natural to want to be loved and to also want to love people in return, so it’s really only a problem if you are so desperate for love that you will try anything to get it.

I guess what I’m saying is that there’s a difference between wanting to love someone and desperately craving love from someone regardless of who it is just because you feel like your world will go crashing in on you… which I think I’ve gotten over, so I’m going to consider this goal done.

I didn’t realize it before either, but there’s a huge difference between love and need even though it’s easy to think they are the same.

When I was a freshman in college, I cheated on my girlfriend with a 23 year old mother and a french foreign exchange student because I didn’t care about the relationship.

Now I know why the last three girlfriends I actually did care about all cheated on me.

But I still don’t know the essential “Why” behind the situation. Why do I make myself emotionally unavailable and physically unfaithful to the girls I could actually build something meaningful with – the good ones who I can’t bring myself to care about – and at the same time try to build something meaningful with the girls who do the same thing to me?

although i am constantly delving into my mind and self in search of hell knows what, i seem to consistently return to one thing: love. at this point in my life, with as much as i’ve thought about it, love seems overrated and american cinema and culture has, perhaps, instilled within me irrational standards for love. my conclusion on the matter, thus far is that i am not all that in love with the idea of not being in love with the idea of being in love. who wants to become jaded? ... seems easier on the surface, but when i really think about it, something gets me and reminds me that the person i am is, fortunately, centered around love itself. i wouldn’t want it any other way. i don’t like how this refers to it as “giving up”, though i suppose that’s what i’m doing. i just see it as a conviction i have only recently truly fortified. or something.

“life, the question how do i drink dream smile

and how do i prefer this face to another and
why do i weep eat sleep—what does the whole intend”
they wonder. oh and they cry “to be, being, that i am alive
this absurd fraction in its lowest terms
with everything cancelled
but shadows
—what does it all come down to? love? Love
if you like and i like,for the reason that i
hate people and lean out of this window is love,love
and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason
that i do not fall into this street is love.”

e.e. cummings. says it so well.

In every important relationship I’ve had I have hoped that it could turn into something lasting and meaniningful. This has led me to “fall in love” far too easily. The majority of the times this happened I realized afterwards that I had merely fallen very deeply in like with her. I have actually loved maybe twice. Maybe twice. But every time, this has lead to me desperately trying to hold it all together in the face of unrequited love or at least like.

This has in turn led to this startling realization: I have been more in love with the idea of loving and being loved than with any of the girls I’ve been with.

I try to go by the idea of “hopes but no expectations” and for the most part it works. As far as relationships go though, I think what I really need to do is just let go and let things happen how they will – Stop hoping. I need to somehow be in a meaningful relationship, but act like I do in my meaningless ones.

My god that sounds fucked up.

Everybody wants that fairy tale in their lives. Everyone wants to fall in love and live happily ever after. But now I know that this is just a fantasy. Being in a relationship takes work and compromise and there’s no way that love can be like the ones in Disney movies…...I believe in love, because I have been in love, but I also know that is not easy. Don’t get me wrong, it can be GREAT as long as you know that it’s not going to be perfect, and you work to make it work.