never have a relationship again unless it's the RIGHT one.

But am leaving it on the list until further notice…

to write anything about this in case I might jinx it.

However, I will just say that now all those other crap relationships make a lot of sense. Had any one of those “worked out” (e.g., I had ended up with an idiot, wrong guy) I’d have never met this lovely man.

That’s all for now. I really don’t want to jinx it!

If all the new VW Beetles have bud vases in them? I’m driving out of town with someone who drives one and I want to bring flowers along… But not if he doesn’t have a bud vase!!!

Any ideas?

Just never have a relationship again.

or, just continue to email people from dating websites like I have OCD and then never actually meet them. It’s the meeting them that is such a bummer.

Aaaarrrggghhh!

I just had this overwhelming feeling of sadness today. Here I am, sat at my desk, writing a report, busy, leaving on a work trip on Monday night, and it just hit me:

I am 33, have had a series of crappy long-term relationships but nothing significant that has stuck. I will probably not have children. I will probably work until I’m 65 in a job that I do really like but can’t really call a substition for all those other happy things.

I look around and so many other people have managed to find the balance. Why can’t I?

More later, just wanted to record this.

Okay, so have done that Guardian Soulmates thing and met a guy off there. We had fabulously stimuluating email and phone chats beforehand. I thought he was going to be brilliant. We met in real life and he was NOT. This strange combination—passive/agressive almost. Trying to show off his intellectual prowess (which was actually quite modest, but who am I to talk?) and insecure about himself at the same time. It was weird, a total turnoff, and he had teeny, tiny little hands which I know is not his fault but they grossed me out.

(Can I just say that I would not be so harsh right now if I didn’t have something further to say about this creep.)

So, the date ends and we go our separate ways. It was pleasant enough and he asked me out again to which I said that I didn’t think the timing was right, blah, blah. He seemed to take it quite well. That was that.

The fourth of July was the Tuesday after the date and me being American, he sent me a “Happy 4th” note, which I thought was nice. It also included a link to his flikr site because he had uploaded loads of pictures from his recent trip to Tallinn that I had expressed interest in on our date.

So, I really don’t know why but I went to look at the pictures and basically I have decided this man is a disgusting specimen of a human being. There are some lovely picures of the buildings of Tallinn, but even more leary pictures of Eastern European women, mainly from behind. All labelled with captions like, “Hot Chick” or “Nice Arse” or whatever.

The whole thing left such a bad taste in my mouth. I wouldn’t describe myself as an overzealous feminist, but I know how it feels to be objectified - sometimes when I’m running men in cars swerve over and shout things - and it can be quite scary and my heart went out to those women. I mean, he was just sitting around in Tallinn taking unsuspecting women’s photos so he could come back to London and post them on a website with degrading captions on them.

So that got me going and I went to the other places he’d been (Rio, Havana, etc.) and it was all the same. In one place I think he’d actually hired an escort. God, how gross.

Moral of the story—lay off dating websites for a while and don’t ever look at people’s flikr sites if you don’t want to get wound up.

About my lovely little lunch date on Friday. And I see a sign, a pattern and I seriously think I should maybe give this one a miss.

In the other two significant relationships in my life - one with a boss and one with my now (thank GOD) ex - the beginning was similar.

Me: In total and utter awe of new person’s intelligence and fabulousness. Don’t really understand what they see in me but am so glad they see something. Work hard to make it work—do a bit of chasing, let them chase a bit, etc.

Them: Cool at first. Think I’m good fun—intelligent but not hyper-so, like to have a good time whatever it is and don’t take life too seriously whilst being able to enjoy things that are usually quite serious (art, music, books). I’ve been described by these over-acheiver types as a breath of fresh air.

However, this doesn’t stay for long and then the relationship turns ugly. I can see them judging me for not being quite as smart as they are. Then the worst thing happens, they start ridiculing me in public. (sounds bad, it is, I’ve had more than one relationship like this). And things go to hell.

Don’t get me wrong—I am not saying that I am not worthy of these people or that I think I am stupid or anything. I’ve dated lots of really intelligent people who make me feel fabulous. It just seems that my most significant relationships, the ones that leave me battered and bruised, are the ones like I think this one could be if I see him again.

I am NOT saying that I won’t see him again. I’m just writing down some of my initial thoughts. I want a record that I thought through this. If I make the same mistake again, I have no one to blame but myself because I actually had these thoughts…

Happened to me last week. A guy I was in a meeting with asked me out on a date. This has never happened to me before in my entire 11 year career.

We were talking about travel on the long train ride back into London. He asked for my card to send me some stuff on a place that he had been and I am going (in March). In the second email he asked me out.

I’m trying not to be too excited, but I must admit that I am. When it’s been a long year (2005) because you’ve gone through a hugely traumatic break up and you hadn’t felt sexy or attractive for years before because the relationship you were in sucked majorly, well, this kind of thing is bound to make you really, really excited, eh?

I’m calling it a ‘disappointing date’. After weeks of emailing very flirtatious and intense emails the meeting was such a disappointment. Awww, shucks.

I’m giving up on internet dating for a while. I just need a break…

I saw this play last night called Avenue Q. It was funny. One of the songs was about relationships called, “Its a fine line”. The chorus was something like, “it’s a fine line between love and hate.” How true! One minute you are chatting away and flirting big time, the next minute you can’t stand the person and hope you never see each other again.

Anyway, just waiting to see how I feel after thursday. If it doesn’t all go relatively well, I give up for a while.