My best female friend and I have grown apart.
My best male friend doesn’t communicate anymore after the romantic mess he initiated.
I’ve lost friends due to being burnt out, not having enough energy to keep in touch,
having changed which some people can’t take.
My daughter has escaped into an intense relationship with her new boyfriend and doesn’t seem to need me anymore.
My mum rarely calls me and I have a growing suspicion that something is not quite right with her. Need to check this up and hope that it’s not anything serious like an early stage of dementia.
I hardly ever see my brother these days even if we only live 20 mins from each other.
Most of the people I used to interact with here on 43 things have abandoned the site or taken a break.
But I am okay, most of the time. Last night though I had a breakdown and cried and cried. Felt so lonely, the emptiness was tangible. It’s obvious that I don’t want to be as lonely as I am now, but at the moment I don’t know what to do about it. I am still feeling very fragile and don’t have the energy to go out looking for new friends and contacts. I feel like I am in a kind of limbo right now. The past is gone, but the future is not yet here.
I am remolding and rebuilding my life and changing as a person but I have very few people to share this experience with. At the same time I am mourning the loss of friends I thought would stay with me forever. It’s all confusing and exhausting.
I have to believe that things will settle, that new friends will appear and that old relationships (at least some of them) will heal. My daughter and I will probably get closer again once her relationship isn’t so new and intriguing anymore, or else I will do some serious efforts to improve it. I wouldn’t like to believe that the close bond we’ve always shared would be gone forever.
In moments when I don’t feel so lonely, I am taking advantage of this phase when no one seems to see me or care about me. I know it sounds odd, but instead of constantly being dragged into the lives and problems of other people, I am now able to fully focus on myself and my own life. And I don’t have to feel stuck in the role that some people have given me in the past, I can try on new ways to act and be without much questioning.
So, moving on without knowing much about the future, neither when it comes to friends nor in other ways. Just trying to have faith in the process and staying open to new experiences and people the best I can. 13 months ago