My mother-in-law was being extremely helpful (I have to give her full credit for that; I am ceasing my resentment that she babysits for the other grandchildren so much more than my kids, and just being grateful for the few times that she does help out) by watching the kids in the morning on a day that I had a very early meeting and putting them on the bus.

She made lunch for Tadpole, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Frogette noticed what she was doing, and told her that Tadpole couldn’t bring peanut butter, because there were kids with severe peanut allergies in Tadpole’s class.

My mother-in-law sent Tadpole to a peanut-free school with peanut butter for lunch anyway. She said to Frogette, “Well, we will see what happens…”

Now, I certainly don’t blame her for not knowing about peanut allergies to start with- in her generation, it was unheard of. I completely understand that.

What I can not forgive, however, is that Frogette TOLD her not to do it, and she did it anyway. Maybe Frogette wasn’t clear enough, I don’t know. But either way, children at Tadpole’s school were put at risk. And given that MIL has a history of not listening – oh, do I have to remember how much Frog has felt unheard his entire life!- I’m pissed.

After Tadpole’s school freaked out, and I found out what happened, Frog called his mom to find out what the hell happened. MIL’s excuse was that “she thought Frogette was saying that TADPOLE was allergic to peanut butter, so she knew Frogette was wrong.”

Do you REALLY think that was any better, lady? Really?
Yes, she could assume that Frogette was wrong about that, but wouldn’t you rather err on the side of caution? What if Frogette was technically wrong, but she knew her sister had some kind of bad reaction to PB? Really?

I have to remember to really nurture and cherish Frog. He was literally raised by wolves. 14 months ago

and said that his wife’s grandfather was in the hospital. (He is almost 100, and hasn’t been doing so well.) He wanted to go with her to the hospital, could he bring his kids here?

I offered to go there and stay there so the kids could sleep in their own beds. I wanted Frog to get a good night’s sleep since he has to wake up earlier than I do for work, so I said I would go and he should stay home with our kids. I drove to their house, put their kids to bed, and did some work for a few hours until they came home from the hospital.

Frog said that I’m a saint, but I’m definitely not. I was actually glad to have a chance to do them this favor, because it makes me able to blame myself less for the poor relationship we have. I didn’t mind going there at all. I honestly felt so bad for them – not just for my sister-in-law’s grandfather dying, obviously- but for having to ask us for help on top of that. I’m sure it made them very uncomfortable to rely on me when they dislike me.

Who knows? Perhaps after tonight, they won’t dislike me as much! 15 months ago

about the definition of insanity being trying the same thing over and over again with the same results?

I must be insane. ;)

A few days ago, Frog mentioned his mother’s birthday. A few months ago, his older brother decreed that we should all throw her a party for her 70th birthday, and he would find a place. However, he never spoke to us about it again, and it’s only a month and 8 days until her birthday.

So I said to Frog that I’d been meaning to invite his brothers over on a non-holiday anyway- (his eldest brother and family hasn’t come on the last three holidays we’ve invited him to, because the ride is long, the traffic is bad, and they like to do their holidays their way)- so maybe we should offer to throw his mother a small family party at our house.

Insanity.

First of all, his older brother, despite his lack of follow through, is likely to be annoyed that I’m taking over something he said he would do. Second, his eldest brother and family may still not want to come all the way to our house, even on a day that isn’t a holiday, because- lets face it- he despises me.

However, I know that no one else stepped up to the plate, and I felt that it would be a nice thing to offer my mother-in-law. The brother-in-laws would likely complain about it behind my back, but she, I was sure, would appreciate it, wouldn’t she?

Insanity. When will I learn?

Frog’s mother happened to call our house yesterday,
so I told her what I had been thinking. Her response lacked enthusiasm, so I said, “I don’t want to push this on you, but if you want to get together with the family on your birthday, I would be happy to invite everyone. I’ll find a suitable date for all of us.”
She said, “I just want to be with my family.” That indicated to me that she DID want a family party, and yet, she still sounded unenthusiastic, so I said, “I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, and I’m not sure if [eldest brother-in-law] will come even not on a holiday, so be perfectly honest about how you feel about this.” She said, “I am being honest.” I said, “Okay, great. Then if you want, I’ll have [Frog] call his brothers and we’ll decide on a date which you can approve or not.”

No thank you, no enthusiasm whatsoever.

WHY DO I KEEP TRYING? Insanity. I am so mad. At her for being so ungrateful. At me, for caring whether or not she feels gratitude. And for caring whether we have a decent relationship. And for worrying that maybe I did the wrong thing proposing the party for her, because I know that eldest brother-in-law doesn’t want to come to the house because it’s too far away, and because it’s smaller and because I’m not as great a housekeeper as everyone else.

SCREW THAT.
I am not going to start blaming myself. I MUST not start blaming myself. And I must stop caring what she thinks or what the brother-in-laws think of me. I had it right when I made this goal. It is going to be a poor relationship, no matter what I do, so the only thing I can do is try to make peace with it. Making peace means being assertive about what’s important to me, and to stop expecting them to change or give a damn about me.

I must repeat those words until I start living them. Life is too short to be so consumed with anger towards them, and is WAY too short to worry if I am doing something to deserve their contempt of me. 18 months ago

I sent my mother in law (and cced Frog’s brothers and their wives) an email asking about gift giving for Chanukah.

I was very explicit about what the kids wanted and asked specifically who we were getting for the adult exchange so we could get the shopping done now. Usually, I avoid being so blunt about gifts, since in MY family gifts are done out of love and are more spontaneous and less rule-y. However, if I’m going to have to participate in this exchange uncomfortableness, I might as well have it be more convenient for me. And since we spend a lot on the other kids, I don’t want to have another reason to be bitter about the gifts that my kids get.

I am uncomfortably aware that this all sounds materialistic and bitchy, but only by being very assertive will I ever be able to make peace with these people.

(Oops! I just realized I probably pissed them all off by asking if we were REALLY going to count the college age nieces and nephews as adults, but I couldn’t help it. It just seems so wrong to me to not give them a present! I did try to do it as nicely as I could.) 19 months ago

I called my mother-in-law to discuss the holidays (and offered to give her Thanksgiving if she wanted), and it turned out she already had other plans for Thanksgiving!

(I know I should be grateful that I get to spend a pleasant Thanksgiving with my extended family now, but instead, my primary emotion is contempt. It’s one thing to not want to spend Thanksgiving with your son. It’s another to just blithely make alternative plans and not mention it until your daughter-in-law asks you about it. I feel so sorry for Frog.)

Then, it turned out that the weekend contained in Chanukah being the 24th and 25th was a good thing, not a bad thing. Unlike her lack of consideration for our plans and prior commitments, mother-in-law actually cares about elder brother-in-law’s preferences. She won’t have Chanukah at her place at all, because elder brother-in-law’s family celebrates Christmas, and wouldn’t want to come. So now I can host Chanukah with my family whenever I want, no worries or conflicts.

(I am still extremely bitter about her telling us that she was doing Chanukah on a certain date last year, and then I made plans to host my extended family on the day after, and then elder brother in law said that he couldn’t do the date mother-in-law chose, so they changed it to the date I had invited my family over, and mother in law asked me to dis-invite my family and join her family, and I said no (duh), and mother-in-law just said “Too bad!” and had Chanukah without us, on the alternative date, just to not inconvenience elder brother-in-law. In effect, choosing him over Frog.) 19 months ago

This year, Chanukah is the same time as Christmas. That is going to cause major problems in holiday planning with my extended family and the inlaws.

There will be no easy way to get out of this, so in order to remain in some semblance of peace with the inlaws, I have to:

a) Not expect anything good from them. No expectations for caring about my feelings or even courteousness. I only get disappointed when I expect them to behave a certain way because it’s the decent thing to do.

b) Be clear about what my boundaries are, and hold fast to them, no matter what they think or say.*

c) Communicate early with my mother in law. Ask her what she wants to do, give her a certain date that she needs to decide by, and then make my plans according to my bottom line. Let her know, kindly, that if her plans change again after that date, they have no bearing on my plans.

Hopefully, staying kind but firm about my boundaries and trying to communicate about this early will avoid another fiasco like last year, and make me a little less bitter about how the family so cruelly chose brother in law over Frog then.

(Now I have to decide what my boundaries are. That might be the hardest part of all this!) 19 months ago

However, I don’t feel that it was a positive step towards this goal. I called her out of obligation only. I feel that it would be unkind not to initiate a phone call to her occasionally, and it had been a long time since we’ve spoken.

At the end of my phone calls to her, I never feel better about her- just the relief that at least I did what I should do. It’s not that she is unpleasant during our conversations, but I just can’t shake the feeling of being uncomfortable with her. I’m not at ease. There is a barrier there that I can’t seem to shake, even after being married to her son for 18 years.

THAT is why I need to make peace with this. I’m tired of still feeling so uneasy with her after so long. I need to find the inner peace and confidence to stop worrying about what she thinks of me, and just be myself. 20 months ago

They seemed happy that I had contacted them. Interestingly, one of them complained about their parents. It wasn’t easy to respond in a empathetic but not-fueling-the-fire way! 21 months ago

is that I don’t get to develop a real relationship with Frog’s nieces and nephews, now almost grown, and absolutely marvelous people. They are beautiful, brilliant, and incredible, all the more because of the horrible parenting they had.

(Actually, I shouldn’t really say that. Two of the four have a close relationship with their parents, so despite my bitter thinking that it’s a kind of Stockholm Syndrome, they must have gotten something from their parents.)

Anyway, my brother in law doesn’t accept my invitations to come on holidays that I host (with the maybe true excuse of being too far away), so I only see them when they come to my mother-in-law’s apartment for holidays.

I would like to develop a closer relationship with them. It’s quite striking, the strong feelings that I have for them, considering the context in which I know them. They are so respectful to me, even when I’m being the embarrassing doting aunt, so dynamic and strong and courageous and personable, so smart and accomplished even as very young adults.

I guess I’ll have to find a way to maintain a relationship with them, despite their parents’ reluctance to have a real relationship with Frog and I. 21 months ago

I just realized that I am extremely uncomfortable in my own home with my mother-in-law here.

I have to fix this right now. It’s my home! Why should I be uncomfortable in it?

I have to find the backbone and self-care to get over the discomfort. 23 months ago