be more open

i keep struggling to do this.
i keep judging the people i go to school with. not everyone is the same though it may seem like it. i know i may not love my school & i know it’s a struggle to find the good people, but i shouldn’t just label everyone as “the same”. I could be missing out on some rly good friends!

Well, I’m doing better. I actually want to be more open with people I like, with people that want to be my friends. I try to be less ‘official’. That sometimes seems plain creepy. ‘Being more open’ is also ‘Knowing whom to open up to’. Maybe not being open was exactly what helped me discover whom to trust and whom to stay away from.

I found this really good quote – maybe it’s off-topic, but I still really like it [I don’t really even remember where I got it – I hope I didn’t read it in somebody’s entry]:
Tell your friend a lie. If he keeps it, tell him the truth.

i never realized just how judgmental i was until i got to college. i always regarded myself an open individual but when i got to college and witnessed many things i didn’t approve of (and i’m no prude, mind you) i realized just how closed-minded i actually was. the whole year was practically torture because i only hung out with people who were “like me”. i missed becoming friends with some pretty awesome individuals.

next semester at college, i will open up. i will have more friends and i will grow as a person from my experiences with them.

More than anything else in the world I want to be able to truly open up to my friends. I have no reason not to, I trust my best friend completely and we have spoken about this in the past, about how I’m so guarded, but however much I think about it and have so much feelings and words inside me that are just yearning to get out, and in moments like this I analyse it and know that I need to stop being so guarded, but in the actual moment when I’m there with my friends I just can’t bring myself to say what’s been upsetting me or what I’ve been thinking – it’s okay when it’s an actual problem that can be solved, but big things and emotions that are too abstract for me to grasp, I just don’t know how to get it out there…

...talking to someone when I feel emotionally bad. When I feel upset I instinctively ‘close up’ and try to sort out my mood by myself. But chatting to the right person, most often my lovely boyfriend, even if we’re not discussing whatever I’m feeling bad about, so often makes me feel much, much better. I want to try to bear this in mind next time I feel bad.

Another thing. [I really like this ;P] My best friend and I are like two peas in a pod. If the pod opens and a pea slipped out, the other pea will just fall right after it lest it wither and die alone. She has always been my light in the darkness inside my soul. Sometimes she tells me about her own problems even if I never speak of mine [though I have been getting a bit better at it ever since we had a fight like three years ago, which concerns me always running away than facing the problems head on. I even fled through a window, if that proves my stupidity] but then I never know what to say to her. With me always being alone, I’ve become independant and I have my views and opinions. Just because I don’t care about my family, that doesn’t mean other people don’t care either. We all have different values and treasures in life. So when she tells me something, I have to remember that and delete what I was about to say to her and edit it in a way that seems less mean. Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m too protective, no matter how weird that sounds. I just wish I could show her I’m there for her when she’s always been there for me even if I don’t credit her, that I can show her I care and give her confidance and even say the right thing to give her confidance because if I don’t then I feel like I’ve failed the one thing that means everything to me…

I’ve always been the kind of person who shut everything inside without telling anyone, observing people from the side, grew up with my father working all the time and I would be alone at home—maybe that’s why. I’ve been hurt in more ways than one and maybe that’s why I don’t trust easily and I only have one super best friend but I would die for her, etc. It’s funny because besides all the deep, philosophical stuff, I’m really outgoing and super energetic with my friends, though shy with new people but that doesn’t bother me much. But when someone comes, guys in particular, and ask, “So, tell me about yourself.” I don’t know what to say. Don’t want to say anything about myself because I just wanna shield myself against any unnecessary pain. Is that why I’m closed off like a rose with its thorns spread about to protect itself from an intruder? I also wonder if I’m not just some coward who’s scared of love? Is it bad? I mean I’ve been alone for like 5 years and I want someone but there’s no one that interests me and the guys that come try too hard, I think? How else would their message get across? But… It’s so weird. I still don’t understand myself and how my own self functions…
I guess how we become more open is by starting like this. Even if it’s just a site, we write our words and it acts like someone’s shoulder…

Would it be possible to be honest and direct with my sister when she does things that bother me? She’s probably the most difficult one to do this with sometimes I think it’s not worth it. I probably do need to change the way I communicate with her in some way.

I don’t know how I got so disconnected. I used to share my feelings with everyone, and I wasn’t afraid of being vulnerable. In the last few years though, I started holding everything inside. I get in these moods, and I’m overwhelmed by emotion. I don’t necessarily feel good or bad, I just feel really intensely, I suppose. Maybe its leaning toward negative, but I try not to see it that way. I think emotions are important and I try to respect whatever ones flow through me at any given time. I want to talk to someone, to get my feelings out there and feel understood and less alone. I just can’t though. I have the greatest friends who love me at my worst as much as at my best and yet I can’t bring myself to talk to any of them when I go through this. Afterwards I can, but during, I just can’t. Maybe its because I don’t want anyone to feel compelled to say something, I just want to feel what I feel without feeling alone in it (I know thats a lot of feeling.) I want someone to lay next to me and drift away on a raft of music in a sea of emotions. Where the current will take us, I don’t know.

This is really happening. And it’s not as terrifying as the thought of it was. People respond well, they actually really want you to open up so they are unlikely to risk ruining it by reacting in a mean way, no matter what you are saying. I have found most people, even people I didn’t think liked me, are supportive, caring, and as far as I can tell, they’re touched that I am making an attempt to show my vulnerabilities. This gets easier all the time. I still feel all nervous and panicky inside when I’m being emotionally revealing (or on the receiving end) but hey, we’re all a work in progress right? At least I’m trying.