Be myself

Being myself is actually really fun. I could really enjoy this…

well, i can say i am almost me. i’ve been finding out in the past 15 months this amazing person, that has a lot of flaws, a lot of fears but still is a beautiful, brave and amazing person and i’m so proud to know her. i think after one or two overcame fears i can definitely say i am myself.

things that must be done in the next 30 days:

• face some more fears
• re-study my personality
• create my own style
• express my creativity more

I wish I knew who I was.

... and feeling very rotten today. Though glad that I’m becoming more aware of how bad I feel after meeting her. Feeling bruced and hurt, disrespected and that my trust has been abused. Not. Good. Friends aren’t people who leave me with this stench in the air after seeing them are they?! Nope. I want to feel good about myself, loved, cared for, respected and taken serious and all that when and after sharing time and news with my friend(s). She on the other hand gives me the impression that she hates me, envies me, looks down on me and just wants to get ideas and information off me to boast to her friends how wired in she is in the areas that I work in etc. i.e. she seems to be using me. The help and the gifts I receive in return from her might fall into the category of protection money: She gets the insider info and gets to be emotionally inappropriate for the price of me getting these bribes. Fuck. That. What I find difficult about letting go of this toxic relationship is a) that I’m afraid of what she’s going to do (I’m scared of her!) and b) that she’s “friends” with someone I’d like to stay friends with. Not sure what’s the next step. Gonna think about this more and pay very close attention to my feelings I guess. This is depressing me.

I’ve been going to a women’s study at church called Doing Life Together. We have groups of 6-7 women and we each are supposed to tell our “story”. The story of our life and how we came to be who we are.
The more I’m going every week, the more I’m feeling comfortable with talking to others. I’m feeling more comfortable sharing myself with others.
What a great journey to be on. To be able to recognize who you are, when you thought you were a stranger.
I’m loving myself more everyday.

1. observe myself (ideally without judgement)
2. protect myself
3. accept myself as I am now (figure out how that works)
4. become aware of my feelings & pay attention to them
5. get to know myself more
6. respect myself (needs & wants, likes & dislikes)
7. love myself (be nice, gentle & loving to myself)

I suspect it’s a control thing: if I make someone wait for me, I control what they do (to some extend in that time period). Oh dear! Could also be a trust-test, i.e. if someone is willing to wait for me, they must care enough about me, i.e. I can trust them. Does this make sense? Need to think about this more. In the meantime, I want to try to accept myself as I am & understand that all the habits I have (good & bad) I created myself to protect myself initially.^{Not liking this about myself much right now though.}

... that I used to consider a friend but for a while not sure where to place her anymore. Noticing that everytime I’m about to meet her: I want to pull out last minute coz I’m feeling a lot of anxieties then. Not sure exactly why, but there’s a lot of little things I don’t like she does. But she seems to be helping me alot & gives me many presents. Not sure how to deal with this situation. Want to think about it more.

I don’t have to follow along with the society that’s rejected me my whole life.

I don’t have to put up with doing some monotonous task day in and day out (be it school or work), when I don’t have to.

I don’t need to delude myself with some religious or political belief thinking that’s gonna be the fix for everything or that’s gonna get me accepted by whoever I’m trying to impress. I don’t care what people think of me; if they won’t accept me then they don’t DESERVE to be impressed by me.

I don’t label myself as anything, and likewise, I don’t appreciate people labelling me as anything other than a human being.

To “be myself”, I just have to exist, and an ideal existence would mean being happy and healthy. I don’t need expensive tangible goods like cars and designer clothes and a huge house to feel complete, I just need people who care about me, which I have. As long as I have somewhere to live, something to wear, and something to eat/drink, and I don’t have some sort of critical illness affecting my quality of life, I’m perfectly fine, and I’ve come to accept that. The only “extra” I’d need is internet access, so that I can stay in touch with my friends and do all the things I love. Other than that, I only require my basic human needs.

Whatever happens to me, happens. I refuse to allow myself to be shaped by anyone or anything that’s not my own consciousness. No matter where I end up, I will not end my life and likewise, I will not allow others to end my life. I’m just riding out this lifetime to see what happens; at the end there may be something incredible, or there may be nothing too interesting. In the meantime though, I just want to live as myself, and I’ve come to realize that’s all I’ve ever really cared for.

http://nonfictionalstatementsasdescribedbyalegallyinsaneindividual.info

As long as I live, I will be myself, so there is no point in marking this goal as complete~

I see “Be Myself” as an all encompassing process. I want to love myself. I want to be happy that I’m me. I want to feel love radiating from within. I want to do what makes me happy. I want to see myself the way God sees me. Listen the way He listens. Hear what He hears when I’m speaking. Accept all that is me so I can accept others.