Be myself

I’d like to throw my heart in a deep ocean to forget my love

or how to be myself but I know who I am not. And that is a loud, forward, in your face type

I smile. I laugh. I think positively. I cheer people on. I make people smile. I make them look brightly and positively on life. But only when others are around me. When I’m alone… I just close myself in room and… do pretty much nothing.
I don’t know what the hell am I thinking. I keep myself busy with listening music, watching movies, series, reading various stuff on the net, playing games, chatting, everything I can to keep myself away from thinking. I don’t want to think. When I think only bad things came up.
Sometimes I crave for other people to be around me, sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I’m happy with myself. My mood swings back and forth. I hate that. I can’t do anything to control it. The only thing that keeps me in good spirit is my work. I work as a waitress. My guests, co-workers and bosses are precious to me. Because of them I smile, laugh, talk silly things, do crazy things… but only to make them happy. To make them smile. I love when other people smile. Sometimes I think I only smile because I want to see others smile. I want them to smile from the heart because that kind of smile… is most precious one.

People say they admire me. Why? Because I’m always in good mood and I always smile. But that is just when I’m around other people. They say they want to be in my head at least for a day to take a break. Do they think I don’t have problems? Do they think I don’t cry?
I want to make people happy and because of that I smile. I love to smile. But sometimes… I wish I didn’t love to smile so much around others. I wish people wouldn’t take me so lightly. But I’m afraid to speak my mind. I’m afraid that once I say some things to their face they would turn around and leave me. Does it matter anyway? If they go… it would be for the better, right?
But I’m such a loser. I can’t bring myself to be completely honest with others. I wish I can be straightforward even if that means people would hate me.

When someone hurts me; I smile. When someone makes me cry; I still smile through my tears.

I don’t know what to do. Every time I think about something I keep on opposing myself. Sometimes I blame my star sign Libra and my blood type AB for it. I know it’s silly but it helps me sometimes~ heh… I seriously don’t know what to do with my life.

Being myself is actually really fun. I could really enjoy this…

well, i can say i am almost me. i’ve been finding out in the past 15 months this amazing person, that has a lot of flaws, a lot of fears but still is a beautiful, brave and amazing person and i’m so proud to know her. i think after one or two overcame fears i can definitely say i am myself.

things that must be done in the next 30 days:

• face some more fears
• re-study my personality
• create my own style
• express my creativity more

I wish I knew who I was.

... and feeling very rotten today. Though glad that I’m becoming more aware of how bad I feel after meeting her. Feeling bruced and hurt, disrespected and that my trust has been abused. Not. Good. Friends aren’t people who leave me with this stench in the air after seeing them are they?! Nope. I want to feel good about myself, loved, cared for, respected and taken serious and all that when and after sharing time and news with my friend(s). She on the other hand gives me the impression that she hates me, envies me, looks down on me and just wants to get ideas and information off me to boast to her friends how wired in she is in the areas that I work in etc. i.e. she seems to be using me. The help and the gifts I receive in return from her might fall into the category of protection money: She gets the insider info and gets to be emotionally inappropriate for the price of me getting these bribes. Fuck. That. What I find difficult about letting go of this toxic relationship is a) that I’m afraid of what she’s going to do (I’m scared of her!) and b) that she’s “friends” with someone I’d like to stay friends with. Not sure what’s the next step. Gonna think about this more and pay very close attention to my feelings I guess. This is depressing me.

I’ve been going to a women’s study at church called Doing Life Together. We have groups of 6-7 women and we each are supposed to tell our “story”. The story of our life and how we came to be who we are.
The more I’m going every week, the more I’m feeling comfortable with talking to others. I’m feeling more comfortable sharing myself with others.
What a great journey to be on. To be able to recognize who you are, when you thought you were a stranger.
I’m loving myself more everyday.

1. observe myself (ideally without judgement)
2. protect myself
3. accept myself as I am now (figure out how that works)
4. become aware of my feelings & pay attention to them
5. get to know myself more
6. respect myself (needs & wants, likes & dislikes)
7. love myself (be nice, gentle & loving to myself)

I suspect it’s a control thing: if I make someone wait for me, I control what they do (to some extend in that time period). Oh dear! Could also be a trust-test, i.e. if someone is willing to wait for me, they must care enough about me, i.e. I can trust them. Does this make sense? Need to think about this more. In the meantime, I want to try to accept myself as I am & understand that all the habits I have (good & bad) I created myself to protect myself initially.^{Not liking this about myself much right now though.}