Be myself

Over the past several months I have grown so much as an individual. I realized today that I really am starting to know who I am and what I stand for. The more time I’m spending with God the more I learn about who I am. And the funny thing is that the more I give of myself to God the more I become who it is I’m meant to be. By releasing my grip on the things that I thought were important and giving them to God, I’m realizing what actually matters. The strangest part is that I’m completely opposite of who I thought I would be.

I think I’ve been living out someone else’s role, in their life, and not my own. I think I am “myself” most of the time, but then I realize – I have no idea who that is. I mean, I have some idea – but I don’t think I really know how to be myself…which is odd, and a bit scary, as I’ve always been so certain about this, as this odd, eccentric, “creative”, reclusive sort of person.

The thing is, this isn’t really who I am. I’ve just got stuck in this “outsider” role. I’m living some idea of how I think an “authentic” person ought to live – which is a genuine goal of mine. I’ve been living in this very reactive way – hard to admit, but I must.

I always felt that being yourself, or being a good person, or just trying to be somebody in general was a “big picture” kind of thing. Like somehow it will just kind of happen over time, and in say 3 years from now I’ll be this amazing person that I want to be.
But last night I had this thought… it’s not a big picture thing, rather, it’s a very little detail thing. In fact, I think making yourself a better person is a very easy thing indeed.
All you have to do is focus on the little decisions you are making as you make them. Decide which choice is the one you truly believe is the right one, the one you will be proudest to look back on and say you chose, the one the kind of person you want to be would make. Make the right decision right now, and those decisions are what shape you into who you are.
in theory.. :S
haha

When you’re not being your real self, I believe that there is some pang of guilt or disappointment at yourself. That being said, I haven’t had any such pain recently, and I think this goal is pretty much completed. Though I don’t want to say I’ve done it officially because it’s a lifelong work in progress.

is caring what others think about me.
Sometimes I feel like the only reason I’ve made most of the decisions I have is because of how others will see me as a result. And I don’t want to live my life that way, because in the end that’s not what will make ME happy.

How do we define who we are? We are different when we are alone to when we are around other people. So I need to find out what I want to be like when I am alone and what I want to be like around others. So far I have decided I will just go by feeling, and do what feels right for me and makes me the most comfortable and happy.
I will also try and be more spontaneous. I know I’ll always be an organised person, that is just part of me, but I know that I don’t want to deny myself things thinking that I don’t have the time or money or that I have not tried it before or am not good enough at it etc.

What I know for sure is that I want to wear even more colours, because they make me happy. That I want to do more crafts, even though I may not be a master craftsperson now – it’s only the practice that makes you one! A couple of weeks ago I was mean to someone, for no reason. I know for sure that that isn’t me! I want to practice loving kindness and be happy, because I know that is me!

I WANT TO BE MYSELF AND NOT WHAT OTHERS WANT ME TO BE! THEY CAN GIVE ME ADVISE BUT IT’S MY CHOICE TO CHOOSE WHAT I WANT TO DO AND WHAT I WANT TO BE!

and i’ve being pursuing this for almost a year now and i can say i’ve made a lot of improvements. these are the things i must keep in mind to achieve it:

• be more confident
• face my fears
• stand up for myself
• stop caring about what other people think about me

I think a person can discover the most about themselves by how they react to their environment. Every person is going to react differently to each person and situation, and it is what we take out of it that makes us who we are.
Tonight I had dinner with my friend Gwen, who I haven’t seen in months. She enjoyed helping me talk through my identity issues. In her view, the first step to discovering who you are is finding the thing you are passionate about and pursuing it. That way you will discover what you value and believe, and from there you can figure out who you are. I still want to think on this some more and try it out, but I definitely think she’s on to something.
Before, I felt like anything I did that was not completely original could not be me being me, it was simply me being whoever did it first. Now I’ve realized that who we are is molded by the people and events around us. Just because we have been influenced by another person to act a certain way, doesn’t mean that those actions do not reflect who we are.
My friend Caroline goes out of her way to avoid things that everyone else does. If she thinks everyone is doing it, she won’t do it because she doesn’t want to be influenced by them. Well isn’t that in itself being influenced by them? One thing I would hate to do is define myself simply by what others are not. I say if you want to, go for it, and who cares what others are doing.

How do we know who we are? I think when we really discover ourselves we will know it, but until then, how do we know how to get there? Lately with all of the changes that have been going on in my life, I’ve been finding the search really difficult. Maybe it’s the way we react to these changes in our lives that shows us.
If anyone has any thoughts, please share.