recover from anorexia

i thought i had recovered from this a few five years ago… i barely even recognized what was happening at first, but it’s all crept right back up and made itself comfortable once again.

relapse is the worst.

I’m at a relatively healthy weight now, 118 at 5’7, but I’m just so miserable. I feel so huge! I have to physically force myself to eat sometimes because I just don’t want to, but I know if I don’t I’ll just fall right back into fasting and I don’t want that…
It seems so difficult to force myself to do this, almost too difficult. I just want to be happy again, no matter my weight or my size. I threw out an old pair of size 2 jeans the other day that were too tight to wear. It was almost a relief to be able to get rid of those and think ‘This is no longer my goal. I do not want to be a walking exoskeleton.’ I want to eat a healthy number of calories a day – better yet, not focus on my calorie intake so much. I refuse to be this unhappy for the rest of my life!

I don’t want this anymore, its always there its all i think about and its like nothing but this. just weight, looks, eating, n im a guy i feel so pathetic. It started about 2 years ago, but before then ive always had low self esteem but im a confident person like i can talk to new people and talk in class but this its turned all that to nothing… I just i am at the point were now it’s like what do i do, i had it bad in year 10 were i lost 2stone8 pounds and i was only 8stone to begin with, and i managed to come back from that, but it always finds a way to resurface i just want it gone. Its like two months ago it all just came back and in one week i lost seven pounds. and i think yeah im good at this because i obsessive, go crazy eating a 100kcal bowl of soup a day and thats it and my friends say it scares them what im doing and they just want me back so i feel like complete shit burdoning everything on them and going on all the time. When i do need to talk properly i always smile n say im fine and walk away but i never am, it feels like im loosing them all. Its like im starting to eat ok..ish now but its still there and i just wanted to vent sorry people. I just supose i need some advice. This all probably sounds pathetic but was just what came flowing out, can anybody help?...please :(

gosh this is so hard. i’m finally at a stable, healthy weight though (and hating every second of it). so at least i’ve achieved something! i have my first ever ed counselling appointment in a couple of days =[ i had coe when i was 11-13, and ednos (anorexic tendencies, only reason i’m not anorexic is the lack of amonerrhea [sp]) ever since. that’s 9 years of eating disorders. so far about 4 months of recovery.

Recently, i have admitted i have a problem and have made a conscious effort to start eating. now that i am gaining weight back, i feel like a cow! i have never felt so large, and quickly, i am taking a turn for the worse. please help!

This disease has taken so much for me. I want to be strong, but I’m not. I want to recover fully, but I feel that I’ll always be plauged with this. Anorexia has robbed me of my dreams, my aspirations. It has seperated me from my family, my friends, and the happy girl that I once was. I want so badly to let go of this disease, but it seems to continue holding on… I’m better now in many ways compared to my past, however, there’s so much more that I need to improve on. I don’t know where I stand, or how much longer I can remain in this phase of life. It’s stagnant, living’s managable. But I just feel like life could be so much more…

I was always a competitive child. If someone had a larger shoe size than me, I would grow angry even. I had to be the best at everything, in my own little mind. However, one cannot stand ontop constantly. There’s always someone faster, stronger, or something more than you. I learned this lesson the hard way- by living in denial.

At age 11, I took the word failure to a new level. Everything that I did seemed to be classified under this category. I could never be good enough for my expectations, my standards. I wasn’t the best athlete, like I once though I was. I wasn’t the smartest, like I had once felt. I wasn’t the prettiest, and no boys in my class liked me. I was an outcast. I was miserable.

I began to focus upon my body for comfort. Thin, that was it, it was something that I could have, something that no one could take from me. Thankfully at that young age, I had no concept of calories and/or nutrition, so no damage was done physically. Although, I mentally harmed myself to the extreme.

Stats were always in my mind. My cousin weighed 60 lbs., my best friend was 63. Even though I was taller than both

I am willing to help if I can.

I nearly died early on, and my family got me to a hospital. I’d gone from 5’4” and 110 healthy and normal lbs to 5’4” and 70 lbs. At first, my older sisters told my mother it was a phase. I’d get over it. She didn’t buy it, and one day got me from school and took me to an emergency room where I had to have 12 pints of glucose pumped into me because my heart was near failing. then they took me to a different place for my in-patient treatment because the hospital they took me to for my emergency treatment put my in a psych ward that was very weird, and they said if I didn’t eat, I’d be put in a padded room. I was so weak and sick, I didn’t care what they did with me. Luckily, my family did. It’s a shame because we were so poor, and it was hard on them financially as well as emotionally and mentally. When i think that my heart, at age 12, was failing, it makes me very sad…it’s almost unbelievable to me.

I won’t go into all the details of how I got there, but I’m so glad my family got me help. It wasn’t the best kind of hospital for the particular problem, but after a year of that (and missing a year of school) and a few years of outpatient therapy and work, I got myself on track. I recall waking up one day when I was 15 and just being soooooooo sick of it, of being controlled by that part of me, those thoughts and fears, and I wanted to be like the new friends I had made in high school and be more carefree. It wasn’t easy, even at that point, and it took time, but I never went back to it. I still always lose my appetite when I’m really depressed or stressed, but then so does my family. It’s more of a physical reaction, than me not wanting to eat.

I became quite lazy after I get well and other than being vegetarian since even before I became anorectic, I ate a lot, and a lot of “fattening” foods, without care for much of my life, and I’ve always stayed “thin” and even athletically built, despite “letting myself go.” I’m so glad I let myself relax about food, though. I’m still always called “skinny’ and I’m in my 30s.

In the past three years I decided to get fit (very different from dieting and starvation), for my health’s sake, not to lose weight because I realize I am thin and athletic. For the past three years, I’ve worked out in a healthy way, about 4x a week on average, an hour max, mixing cardio with weights for strength and tone. And I’ve got it. I’ve toned up, I’m stronger, have more energy, and generally feel great. I don’t weigh myself, but when I get weighed at the docs, my weight stays at its healthy, normal weight, and I’ve built some toned muscles (not big, just strong). I also eat very healthfully (for the most part!), and as much as I feel I need to, whatever that may be. The only reason why I watch my food (what I eat, not how much per se) now is for my health, not weight. I am lucky to be able to do that (as people always like to remind me), I suppose, but even more so I wish I had realized when I was 12, 13,14,15 what I realize now: that it’s more important to be healthy than to be sickly skinny and in emotional turmoil and pain. I am glad I am here now, though. My family saved my life all those years ago. I thank them for it. I also feel I look good (overall), in that I look healthy and generally fit. I have always had some body issues from time to time (my butt’s too big, it’s not big enough, my boobs are too small, i hate my feet, etc) like everyone does, but they are fleeting moments to be honest. It’s not that I think I’m hot, or all that—I just let “It” (the big demon) go, and I’m OK with me overall.

I regret my anorexia, even though i haven’t noticed a physical toll on my body (my periods stopped after my first one, and I didn’t get it again for three years but it has been normal ever since, I originally had anemia and kidney problems that went away as I got better with my nutrition, etc), I wonder sometimes.

I do want to become more outspoken about what it really means to have the disease of anorexia, though, because I think in general the media portrays it as just a desire to be thin, it’s because of magazines, it’s a vanity issue, etc—but it’s so much more than that. It comes from a very deep, dark, scary place. And I’ve always wanted to help counsel people who struggle with it, especially the younger set. That should probably be on my to-do list….

To those still struggling: Good for you if you decided to beat it. It takes a lot of strength and will once you decide it’s time to move on. And it’s hard. Harder still to face your fears and other feelings. But you can. All of you have the strength to overcome this.

Best wishes.

never ending journey..

I have been anorexic for 7 years and bulimic for going on 1 year. It is the hardest thing ever to get out of it. I have no idea as to where to start even… I don’t know what to do or how to go about doing it… I am scared and worried that it won’t happen.

But I know this, I know that after 7 years of anorexia, I am so ready to be done with it, I am done and want to fully recover from anorexia. No more recovery and relapse.

Just full recovery.