ask myself 75 questions from Lyved.

36. Am I cheap? Yes and No. I live a mostly simple lifestyle so I can have money for the things that matter most to me and so I can share my money with those less fortunate than me. I have a small house and a small, old car. I don’t have a lot of possessions other than books and music. However, I like to spend money on experiences: traveling, trying new restaurants, going to professional conferences, and going to the symphony.

37. Am I greedy? I don’t think I am. See above answer. I give away a good amount of money. I just want a place to live, things that I need, and some “fun” money for experiences. I turned down several jobs in my profession that pay twice as much as the college teaching job I have because I feel like what I do makes way more of an impact than what I have.

38. Who do I love? My husband, my family, my close friends, my cat. I care about all people in general.

39. Who do I want to meet? I’m a shy introvert. Meeting people unnecessarily is awkward for me. It always takes me a week or two before I am really comfortable even with my students (but I try my best not to let them know).

40. Where do I want to go? Pretty much anywhere. I love exploring new places. I would love to drive across the US because I’ve heard a lot of great stories from people who have done it. I’d like to visit other countries that I haven’t been to before.

56. What is my greatest regret? Hmmmm…I have an answer in my head, but I’m not sure that I would want that to be published for the masses… ;-)
57. What has had the greatest impact on my life? I think that would probably be my education. While it of course affected me financially and professionally, it also affected me on a very personal basis.
58. Who has had the greatest impact on my life? I am having a really difficult time answering this question, because I can think of so many people. There was my writing professor who really challenged me to become a critical thinker. There is a good friend of mine who helped me through some very difficult times in my life and also encouraged me to become a counselor. There is the couple who adopted two of my clients and who are exemplify love and selflessness better than almost anyone I know. Of course, my parents, grandparents, and a number of other relatives.
59. Do I stand up for myself? I usually do, but there are situations where I don’t. I have a difficult time asserting myself around very aggressive people.
60. Have I settled for mediocrity? Yeah, and I’ve regretted that.
61. Do I hold grudges? Yes. Unfortunately, while my mother passed on a number of very good traits on to me, she also passed on her passive-aggression. Over the past five years or so, I have become more self-aware, and have been working towards eliminating this behavior. But it’s been hard, I must admit!
62. Do I read enough? Is that possible?? No, I don’t. I think I’m a pretty well-rounded person and have a wide variety of interests, but doing so reduces the amount of time I have for any one activity. Which means that I never get to read enough.
63. Do I listen to my heart? Yes. Do I follow it? Not always. Sometimes I go with my head more than I should.
64. Do I donate enough to the less fortunate? This is tricky to answer. I do not donate a substantial portion of my income to the less fortunate; however, I believe that, by choosing a profession in which I will work way too many hours for not a whole lot of money is donating, in a sense. Or at least I justify it to myself in that way.
65. Do I pray only when I want something? I’m not too good about praying in general. I need to work on this. Unfortunately, I don’t think that I have a good grasp on who/what I’m praying to, so that probably affects it.
66. Do I constantly dwell on the past? No, not constantly. Occasionally, yeah, but I think I do a pretty decent job of bringing myself out of that.
67. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me? I try not to, though I can’t deny that occasionally I do.
68. Do I forgive myself? Yeah, but I’m pretty hard on myself before I do!
69. When I help someone do I think “What’s in it for me”? For the most part, no. I think everyone does this occasionally. If I did do this all the time, I certainly would not have chosen the profession I did!
70. Am I aware that someone always has it worse than me? I can’t help but be aware of this. I am reminded on a daily basis of how fortunate I am.
71. Do I smile more than I frown? Nope! I smile a lot :-)
72. Do I surround myself with good people? For the most part, I think so.
73. Do I take time out for myself? Yeah, I do. I think I’m fairly balanced as far as that is concerned.
74. Do I ask enough questions? I think I ask too many…
75. What other questions do I have? What is this thing that is bigger than me? Am I making the right decisions? Do I have the best priorities?

21. Do I take risks?
I am better about this more than I have been in the past. For me, my risks are more in the social realm. I tend to be reclusive, and my number of friends has dwindled as a result of us growing up and apart over the years. I make a point to be more open minded about those I will spend time with, and jumping into social groups even if I don’t have my safety blanket (aka someone else I already know) present. Heh. In terms of other risks, I’m not quite sure.
22. What is my purpose?
Something creative and artistic I’m sure. I am good with people, to an extent, and can demonstrate empathy and unconditional positive regard. That helps quite a lot in many different realms.
23. What is my biggest fear?
That all of this is pointless.
24. How can I conquer that fear?
Do things worthwhile and live in the moment.
25. Do I thank people enough?
I haven’t in the past, but I make a point to show gratitude to others regularly.

32. Is There an Afterlife? I believe there is. I can’t prove it scientifically, but it just seems to me like there has to be something more. It doesn’t bother me that I can’t prove it- that’s why it’s a belief. I also feel like we can’t fully comprehend it until we get there.

33. Does Everything Happen for a Reason? I’m undecided on this one. Sometimes I believe there is a lot of structure to things and that things do happen for a reason. Other times, things feel pretty random. I guess if I was forced to decide, I would say there is a general structure to things, but there must be some freedom or else all our choices wouldn’t really be choices. But again, I don’t have a firm opinion on this one.

34. What Can I Do to Change the World? Little things. I can continue to do the work I am doing because it impacts people. I can give money to those less fortunate than me. I can try to live an environmentally responsible lifestyle. I can be nice to people and animals.

35. What is the Most Foolish Thing I have Ever Done? Probably several times that I have done things to hurt relationships with people who are friends.

*again, this became an article for Daily Passion Activator”...

What is it that compels us to approach certain queries from a negative perspective? What is it that invites me to look through the “What is wrong?” lense rather than simply pick it up and go with it.

The question is so simple: “What is missing?” I first looked at this question from a negative stance:

What is wrong? How come I don’t have… what is wrong with me that I can not do… what skill set have I fallen short on this time?

People who know my world view might be startled to hear this form of rant because… I am not that sort of thinker most of the time.

My fingers hesitated to finish that last statement. I paused after “I am not that sort of thinker….” And waited… the ending of that sentence could have been so many different things.

I could have said, “I am not that sort of a thinker – or am I?”

I think this is the thread that has the most colorful intriguing taste of all.

That same “otherwordly” element that held my fingers poised, above the keyboard, is now pushing me – again. “I am not that sort of thinker, or am I? Am I a thinker who rants and raves of the accidentally discarded flotsam and jetsam rather than the intentionally created art all around me every moment?”

For whatever reason I am thinking of a Mom and fellow autism activist I met recently when I attended her support group meeting. I sat down and she started throwing information into my head without asking me a simple question, “What are you seeking” or “How may I serve you?” or “What brings you here?”

Her fine intentions spilled from my skin before they had a chance to land.

Interesting.

Flotsam and Jetsam are too “missings” from my life until this morning because I didn’t know, truly, what they meant. They were fanciful twins-in-language was all, or so I thought.

I read this Martin Luther King, Jr. quote and knew I would need to create art from that poetic coupling of words: “I refuse to accept the idea that man is mere flotsam and jetsam in the river of life, unable to influence the unfolding events which surround him. I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality.”

Interesting, thinking of those words – the flotsam is the stuff that is discovered floating in the water after a boat has sunk. There is a random, without explanation disorderliness about the presence of flotsam. Jetsam, on the other hand, is purposefully discarded. It is actively tossed from a ship in suffering. There is choice involved.

AND both flotsam and jetsam have the same result. Discarded, displaced and floating without a paddle or a sail, in the water.

So how does this relate back to the initial question, “What is missing?”

My first attempt at writing about “what is missing” didn’t include any thinking. It created flotsam, lots of tarnished energy all pointing back to what might be wrong with me. There is a hurried, “Don’t look, don’t see my responses!’ element to it, a constant looking over the shoulder and butterflies in the stomach element.

When I kept moving on my responses, allowed my responses to not simply be the unconsciously “What’s missing” to be negative, some positives appeared on my list, surprising me. There are things that are missing which I am perpetually grateful they are missing.

In my list making response to “what is missing” I swung back and forth between gaps which I can work on filling and gaps which invite celebration.

I tuned into this quote from Anne Sexton this morning. She wrote, “Put your ear down close to your soul and listen.” So I did exactly that – I listened to what my soul had to say about the ‘What is missing?’ question and what I heard in response was this:

“Nothing significant is missing. Nothing is missing I don’t have the power to change if this is what is called for, I have the power to engage what is missing and the power to shift from seeing ‘missing’ as a negative rather than just another clue to what is next for me in this phenomenal gift called life.”

So what is missing? There is nothing missing that has a big, slash mark red mark. There is nothing missing that is discombobulating or overly messy.

Engaging within what feels like it is missing will consistently bring growth and positive change.

Suddenly it doesn’t have that same panicky feeling it did the first time.

Suddenly, I have walked my way towards what is so rather than my opinion of what is so.

Powerful.

Passionate.

Purposeful.

I am grateful for what is missing.

and it is fascinating.

I started with a list and putting down the negatives. Blahdy blah blah and then I shifted because I realized some of the missing things from my life are positively missing and I am grateful for their absence.

Cool, more than cool, awareness.

Will keep writing!

30. Am I Positive?
I am definitely optimistic. I generally believe that somehow everything will be ok. I believe that things can’t get as bad as some people worry about. I generally don’t fear things that may or may not happen.

31. Am I Negative?
I am negative in the fact that I complain sometimes, usually about rude people or inconsiderate people. I get really upset with the way some people treat other people and I can be pretty negative about that.

46. What makes me sad? Thinking about my brother. Seeing old people eating alone. Watching the news. The movie Up. Ending relationships. Seeing men cry. War. People needlessly suffering. The song “The Trapeze Swinger.” Missing people.
47. What makes me angry? Arrogance. Prejudice. HMO’s. People who abuse the system. Ulterior motives. Attention-seeking. G.W. Bush. Casual disregard for others. Spite. Closed-mindedness. Wal-Mart. Selfishness. Manipulation. Modern politics.
48. Am I satisfied with my appearance? For the most part. I think I’d be more satisfied if I could drop another 10-15 pounds, but I am much, much happier than I was 35 pounds ago… :-) I really like my hair and my smile.
49. Am I healthy? Yeah, pretty healthy! Certainly much healthier now that I’ve quit smoking, lost weight, and begun exercising! Now I just need to lose a little more weight. And floss every day. Uggh.
50. What was the toughest time in my life? Coping with the death of my brother and quitting smoking.
51. What was the easiest time in my life? Ummmm, when I was like 3. Three year-olds got it pretty easy.
52. Am I selfish? I think I am pretty selfless for the most part. I am worried, though, because I’ve lived alone for the past 6 years, and I’m concerned that my selfish side might come out if I share a home with someone.
53. What was the craziest thing I did? I just professed my love to one of my best friends via snail mail. WTF??? Hopefully, my craziness will pay off…today is D-Day!!! (As in, delivery day! The letter should arrive today. Oh, my…)
54. What is the craziest thing I want to do? I would love to randomly jump on a plane to a foreign country. That would be awesome.
55. Do I procrastinate? Yup, sometimes I do. The worst is when I do a kinda-necessary task instead of a super-necessary one—I am soooooo good at rationalizing these things.

27. What am I ashamed of?
It took me awhile to think of an answer to this one because I was having a hard time thinking of the last time I felt ashamed. I tried to reflect back on the times I have felt ashamed. All the circumstances I could think of were times when I hurt others, usually because I wanted to have my way in some argument or discussion that wasn’t really that important…or at least whether I was right or not wasn’t really that important.
The reason I took awhile to come up with this answer was because I truly regret these times. When I felt ashamed from these circumstances back shortly after they happened, it was enough to change my behavior. I am now very open to what other people think about a situation and I try to listen and acknowledge their opinions too. Even when I feel I am right, I remain diplomatic, and try to see their positions. Right now as I type I can think of the last time I disagreed with a friend on an issue and it’s nice to think we discussed it civilly and that she will act one way and I will act another and that’s ok.

28. Do I annoy others?
This answer is shorter. Probably, but I try not too. I don’t deliberately try to annoy anyone. However, even when you are respectful of other people’s feelings, I’m sure there will be some actions that annoy some people.

29. What are my dreams?
I would like to continue my work as a professor. I would like to stay contentedly married to my husband. I want to travel and see the world. I would like to do what I can to make life better for others. I want to keep learning. I want new experiences and interesting conversations.

36. Am I cheap? Sure am, and proud of it! There are certain things that I am willing to spend a decent amount of money on, and actually, I’ve become a little bit less frugal over the past few years, but overall, yeah, I am cheap.
37. Am I greedy? I don’t think so. I think I’m pretty generous overall.
38. Who do I love? I love all my friends and family.
39. Who do I want to meet? Benicio del Toro [sigh..]. I would also like to meet someone to settle down with. And if that person happens to be Benicio del Toro, well…
40. Where do I want to go? France, please! Please? Please!!! I would also like to see the rest of Europe. And I would like to go to Fiji.
41. What am I most proud of? I am proud of lots of things about myself! I am proud of my education and career. I am proud that I have become a responsible adult for the most part. I am proud of the way that I treat others.
42. Do I care what others think about me? Unfortunately, yeah, I do. I think that I have become better about that over the years, but there are still times where I allow too much of my opinion of myself to be based on the opinions of others.
43. What are my talents? I am good at writing, singing, counseling, making people laugh, cooking, sparking conversations with complete strangers, knitting, and playing foosball.
44. Do I utilize those talents? Some of them, yeah. Others (especially some of the more artistic ones) are utilized, though not in public.
45. What makes me happy? Sleeping. Good Italian desserts. Dry humor. Babies. Yarn. Getting my hair cut. The sound of fingers sliding along the strings of a guitar between chords. Cats stretching. Learning new things. Spooning. Coffee from Caribou. Taking a shower after a good workout. Road trips. Target. Pajamas. Watching the leaves change colors. Homemade Chinese dumplings. Freshly washed sheets. Skinny dipping. Good conversations with close friends. The smell of used bookstores. Bear hugs. Lazy Sunday afternoons. The cookie table at weddings. Converse shoes. IKEA. Old jeans. The smell of clove cigarettes.