Get 30 days of continuous sobriety

I’ll talk about it here.

First, AA and I are not really hitting off that well right now. I’ve got a lot on my plate with this new internship and I’m floundering emotionally. I’m having trouble connecting with people in AA. I want to connect. They are good people. But I am not connecting. This is in part because on many levels I really don’t see myself as an alcoholic. I’ve given it a lot of thought and fair consideration and the rest of it, and the only way that I can identify myself as an alcoholic is if I really stretch my definition of alcoholism into abstractions and conceptual and theoretical areas. I’m not, in point of fact, addicted to alcohol. I’m a problem drinker and have used alcohol unwisely to manage emotional issues and whatnot…

Whatever.

The point is I just can’t really buy in.

That said, I enjoy the opportunity to hang out with people who seem to be a lot like me in a lot of ways, who are trying to live their lives based on certain emotional principles etc.

I dunno.. it’s just kind of wearing off. The novelty of it or something. I’m just not that into it. And I guess I’m disaffected because I don’t think I’m making friends and that’s depressing.

So I got my 30-day chip last monday and then didn’t go to meeting since then and last night I decided it honestly didn’t matter. I was craving steak. I haven’t had any red meat in months so I went out and got myself a steak, brought it home, and opened up a bottle of red wine and watched several episodes of Dexter in a row. I didn’t feel particularly guilty because I just don’t feel like it’s all that big a deal.

I can’t tell whether I should feel bad now, or whether I should give up on this goal or start over. What is the POINT?

You know, moderation is the key, I think. Maybe being SOBER is being moderate, having a sober, clear-headed relationship with things and knowing when you’re no longer clear-headed—when you’re slipping into something unhealthy.

Last night didn’t feel unhealthy. It felt fine.

Okay. So I’m going to say last night was fine. I have maintained my abstinence from Sugar and Flour for the last 36 days. I have maintained near-perfect abstinence from coffee and dairy (had one espresso and one cappuccino in the last 36 days.

Overall I think I’m doing well and I am not interested in giving myself some kind of guilt trip over one evening with red wine. I am grateful for the perspective and awareness that makes me want to keep my drinking at close to zero – but perfect sobriety is just not realistic or desirable.

OKay. I’ve worked it out and I’m going to change this goal to 30 days and say I did it.

well, tonight I had a bit of a slip on the eating. Who’d have thought it’d make such an impact?

I went out with friends for dinner at a thai restaurant. I didn’t order the right thing. I got a dish with chicken and potatoes in a creamy curry. Well, fine then that’s alright, I thought, and gobbled it down.

I didn’t realize how the ingredients (potatoes and whatever else in the creamy curry) would have such a strong and instant affect on my brain. I was craving more food as soon as I got in the car and thinking, well that wasn’t very filling (even though it was a huge dish and lately I’ve been eating small meals very successfully throughout the day and rarely feeling hungry). I got home and ate a quart of strawberries. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I was feeling binge-y, standing at the sink, rinsing them and eating them one after the next.

My body just reacts weirdly when I put the wrong foods into it. This whole feeling of wanting to devour everything in the fridge – IT SUCKS! I don’t like this feeling. It’s a good reminder to me of how important it really is to stick with what I know is healthy.

Also, despite some VERY STRONG URGES, I have managed to stay away from the scale for 28 days. I’m going to try to keep going until I get 90 days. Obsession with weight and body is simply a stupid useless habit, like any other habit, that I use to distract myself from the REALITY of what really matters in life.

I’m not letting myself escape anymore. I’m facing the truth. And the truth is that it doesn’t matter one good goddamn whether my stomach is bigger or smaller today. It matters whether I’m eating right and exercising and thinking clearly and being a good human being. The fat is the WRONG focus.

Strangely – not hard at all, this sobriety business.

Today I smelled the coffee grounds from my brother’s morning pot of coffee. In that moment, I breathed in the smell and thought, man, mmm. When I sat down at the kitchen table to have a little dinner, I was pouring balsamic vinegar into a measuring spoon and in that moment I thought of how I used to sit down at the kitchen table, tuck myself in and happily pour myself a glass of wine. Something about the way I was holding the bottle and looking at the vinegar fall. And, I admit at one point feeling hungry I noticed the cheese in the fridge and thought, oh, that would be yummy.

But, you know, it’s just tiny little things like that. Otherwise it’s kind of a breeze. Today I ate blueberries, strawberries, an apple, a plum, a kiwi, spinach, a red pepper, red cabbage with red pepper flakes and lime juice, Walnuts, almonds, and a can of sardines. And I drank some green tea and some water. It doesn’t get healthier than that. I don’t see any reason I can’t keep this up for 75 more days, or forever, maybe.

So. Sobriety is coming along nicely. And yet I feel I should be doing better. My computer addiction is still out of control. I don’t even know where the day went – I was screwing around surfing the internet and tweaking my weekly schedule chart in excel ALL DAY! (The chart where I plan out all my gym visits. Note, I didn’t actually go to the gym today or for the last 5 days – I just made sure my excel chart was really, really pretty so that next week I might be moved to go back.) I passed up TWO opportunities to hang out with nice people for dinner! So that, what, I could muck around with my obsessive excel file tinkering?

Things I’m putting in my body are all sorted out, but I need to get my act together on what I’m DOING with my body. CLEAN UP. SOCIALIZE. READ. STUDY. CLEAN SOME MORE.

With that in mind I’ve got some new day counts going.

It’s going great. I’m not wavering even a little. Why? Because I am very married to my “sobriety date.” (The first sober day – it’s a big deal in AA and in case I stick with this thing forever and ever, I want to keep this sobriety date.)

Sept 4, 09. 9-4-9. 3squared/2squared/3squared.

I like the symmetry of it. I like the perfect squares of it. But wait, there’s more… On 9-4-9 I celebrated my 13031^st day of life out here on planet earth. Another gorgeous symmetry!

But wait, there’s more!

13 and 31 are both prime numbers. Primes, in general, are my favorite class of numbers. And, of the prime numbers, 13 and 31 are particular favorites and I’ve always counted them as lucky and special and meaningful for me. They have a funny magic about them in my life. When I come across them, I think, ohhh, good juju!

I was born on the 31st, at a hospital on 13th street, and the address I was raised at from infancy to adolescence was 313 East N Street.

So. I’m not even a little tempted to have a slip and start over later. I feel like I have to keep this date. Who knows if there will ever be a date with that many perfections to it again! I do love perfection in numbers. I don’t know why. I just do. They make me feel good on a gut level. Stable, somehow.

Today is day 12. No alcohol, bread/bakery, coffee, dairy, excesses or sugar (except from honey and whole fruits/veggies). I kind of almost can’t believe I haven’t consumed ANY of those things in 12 days. It hasn’t really been that hard! I’m starting, little by little, to feel like maybe there’s a shift in my functioning. I’m not hitting anything out of the park in my various life-areas yet, but I’m feeling generally more optimistic and clean, somehow. And, oddly, maybe coincidentally but who knows? I’m feeling much more in touch with my spirituality and much more able to achieve moments of stillness throughout the day. Also, my general overall Gratitude levels are way up.

Also, I’m finding that my cravings for various foods are much healthier. I sometimes want to binge on high-sugar fruits, like bananas (which I’m trying to avoid) but other than that I’m not as constantly noshy and I’m not rummaging through the fridge so much.

so far so good!

no Alcohol

also: nothing they have in a Bakery, no Coffee, no Dairy, no Excess portions, and no Sugar – except what’s naturally in whole fruits and veggies and raw honey (I couldn’t get the alphabet to work with me on that one)

So far, so good on this whole-foods non-toxic sober diet thing… No discernible effects yet. Brain still feels more or less like the scrambled eggs I know and love.