smoke more

just to see what heavy addiction feels like.

though i would reallly reallly reallllyyYY love to.. i am afraid this goal is going to have to be pushed aside for about a year or so…

right now smoking isnt doing much for me other than cause episodes.
which is reallly strange to me.
but, oh well.

i am going to do what is needed to be done.

i still feel shitty without it though.

eh…

as much as i would love to do this.

it seems to lead to me episodes.

and i really dont want to have a seizure because of that.

but then what do i do?
smoking is something i really enjoy doing.
it takes me to places where i am actually happy.
but it also leads me to hell.

so what?
i just dont know.
i guess i am going to have to stop smoking.
but i dont know what i will do.
i cant just stop.
i dont want to.

ha, lovely situation.

on a roll with this one so far.
i realized i like smoking by myself, hanging out by myself, and spending the given amount of lovely time by myself.

i use that time to reflect on my life and what i want to do..

its good motivation for me.. really.

also helps me sleep unfortunately.

but yeahh..
come join me sometimes??

[:

thank you yesi.

you proved a point about richmond/rosengburg schwiggity.

[:

damn straight.

but no worries.
i still got yo’ shit for you.
i am not greedy.

forever and always.
haha

i’ve gotten into a good habit of this.. but unfortuantley… i picked up smokinggg ciggss as well…

thats not good at all. but it will soon be replaced.. i promise.
after this stress is gone at least…

butt yeah.
no drinking for leslie.

it doesnt do anything for me anymore.
like really.
nothing can take me out of reality.
nothing.
so whats the point. its just wasting my money.
but maybe things will change… maybe not.
i dont know.
obviously.

i smoke because it reminds me of him. the only way i can feel some kind of connection.

in the past.. two months i wanna say.. i have had something on me every day.
you knw how reliveing that this…
well it is for me at least.
and it sure makes it a hell alot easier.
it helps me get through the days.
somthing to look forward to after work ya know.
a litle motivation pusher.
but yeah.

i’m happy.

ok… not talking about cigarets in my case…its all about the green baby.
but please. dont judge yet.
i am not a pot head or anything like that, but it really calms me down, and actually makes life better for me.
but because i know its illegal, and even though i hate the fucking system, i hold myself back from it so much.
but thats not good in my case.
when i smoke it slows my brain down, and thats good in my case, case i have epilepsy, and the medicine basically for that does the same thing mary jane does. and medicine is expensive, especially when your dad is going through treatment for cancer and your mom cant work and your only 17. so come on.
its helpful to me.
and i enjoy it.
it really makes me see things better and i dont over react to stupid shit.
and i let myself be free and do what i really want to do, i.e arts, coloring, writing, cleaning… stuff like that.

fuck the system. ha i like to blame others for my unhappiness.
terrible thing to do.