be true to myself

Knowing my limit is so important. I’m not that young and have depression. I’m getting old but have something better than when I was younger.

otherwise if i hate myself then people won’t like talking to a depressed emo-looking girl (not poser) like me
ive been told so many times i look and act emo
but im not
i just don’t have trust in anybody
not even in myself
so i shall change that

Yesterday I went shopping with a friend. She made a comment about someone losing weight but still buying a M, instead of a S. I’ve come to peace with the fact that clothing sizes are just awful! I don’t care what the TAG says, as long as it fits and looks good. I thought her comment was awful, because I am a M and I don’t think anything it wrong with my body. I would like to lose some weight around my hips and thighs, but I think I’m beautiful as is. I would never want to be a S, just to feel better about myself (I don’t think it would anyway). I would also never want to be a size 0/1 again. It’s just too thin. Thin people, like my friend, probably think I weigh too much…. but my body is great, and I love my hourglass shape.

It’s sometimes difficult what I am really need or want to do something. I’m loosing myself, so I’ve been taking a rest at home.

I’ve been lying to myself and why?

We’re growing apart, and I’ve realised that one of the reasons this upsets me (apart from the obvious) is that it makes me feel like a failure – for not being able to keep us together, not being able to keep him, not being good enough for him to stay. Of course, if I look at this objectively, these arguments are ridiculous and have nothing to do with anything that is going on. It’s not about me – it’s about us wanting different things and him moving away,

The fact that he’s not bothered about keeping us together, not bothered about keeping me and not bothered about staying has nothing to do with me being or not being good enough. He still wants to be with me, but not enough to stay where I am. And while that might be good enough for him, it isn’t for me. I need to be true to myself and admit to him, and me, that it’s just not enough.

This does not make me a failure at relationships, it makes me a success at understanding my needs and not allowing him to take me, and us, for granted any longer. It might be great 5% of the time, but it’s non-existant 95% of the time – and that just isn’t a relationship. No matter how great it’s been before, it isn’t now. And I need to stop living in the past and/or possible future and be true to myself and my needs.

I’m coming to accept that there are some things I want in life. My husband could care less about horseback riding, but it’s something that I at least wanted to try once. I don’t feel like giving up my dreams for other people, even my husband. So, I went horseback riding anyway, without him. I think I need to come to terms with being more independent. I am kind of scared of doing something if I don’t have support from other people. However, I’ve realized that in order to be true to myself, I need to stop caring about everything that everyone else thinks. This also means that I need to grow more as a woman. Maybe a part of this comes with age? I’m still working at this.

I think I’m feeling on top of this again. It’s requiring letting go of some things, but that letting go seems to have pushed forward many other real positives.

I guess this begins with being truthFUL with myself. The big conversation was had and I had no idea where it would take me, but it made me realize that I’d sought out in this relationship an escape from my real life; an exact repeat of what I’d done in my last relationship. A year later and several thousands of dollars in therapy repair and I’m still on square one.

I’ve added the goal: Realise I am responsible for the condition of my life. Hopefully it will serve to remind me that old familiar road always leads to the same destination (right HERE).

this really belongs in: LOVE, don’t settle, be true to myself, friendships, do the happy things…but I’m settling on this one as it’s got one relative entry already.

Have a meeting tomorrow with former bo and long time friend to discuss what happened between us and to initiate trying to rebuild our friendship in the aftermath. I’m nervous on so many counts; there are a few things I didn’t communicate with him in the end that I need to confront tomorrow (things I felt sad about, it’s hard right now because I’m hurt to make myself vulnerable, harder still when we’re no longer in an intimate relationship), and I’m also worried that his reaction to these things could possibly make me feel worse. I don’t even know without a doubt what I want from him (unless you count all the ways in which I never want him to change and the changes I’m wishing he’d make). I feel like it’s a little soon to even be trying this, but he is pushing for it and for some logistical reasons (I have some extra time on my hands right now as does he, time which we could spend together doing many of the wonderful things we used to do again) I’ve agreed.

I guess I’ll just have to promise myself to be happy with my own progress if I’m able to get out all of the things I want aired regardless of the result or resulting reaction.