Things are pretty bad right now. I’m not sure how to fix it, but I’m working on it. Very stressed. But it’ll all be okay! Just don’t know when.
So I need to remember that I didn’t turn around today. I could have, I could have gone back home and pretty much blacklisted myself from this line of work. I could have given up.
But I pushed on. Spent 13 hours in my car when it was supposed to only have taken 10 1/2. Made it to my initial destination instead of dropping short. Kept myself awake. Drove through 4 different areas of blinding rain, so bad I couldn’t see the road. Pressed on despite the storms. MADE IT.
The next few months are going to have rough patches. But I don’t want to give up just yet. Not yet. 1 week ago
One of those DAYS!
I painted my room yesterday and I kind of like it, but kind of don’t. In fact, I either love it or absolutely HATE it. And I don’t know why it’s such a big DEAL. It took one day to paint it all, so it’ll take one day to paint over it with Kilz and another day to paint over the Kilz. So really, by Friday next week I could have it DONE, furniture back, etc.
But I want it done NOW because it feels like my whole life is in flux. Having my bedroom torn apart and not feeling like it’s my room isn’t helping with all my weird anxieties that have popped up since I’ve gotten home. Having my stuff all over the house isn’t helping, either.
I feel like I’m going to throw up and I can’t stop crying – which I’m pretty sure is just PMS – so I’m trying to tell myself that by TOMORROW I’ll be feeling just fine. Just fine! I wish I weren’t so damn LONELY right now. I’m meeting a friend for coffee at 6:30 and texted to see if she can meet earlier. Ugh, I feel so needy.
I’m supposed to be hearing back from a job today – hopefully – but even so it’s a 19-week position and I’d have to find housing, and it’s 14 hours from home…but at least then I’d know if I HAVE a job.
Everything just feels like chaos.
And my walls are the color of a shamrock shake! Who thought that was a good idea!
I talked to wonderful boy(friend?) today and was all teary because of a terrible, terrible crime that just happened to my sister’s boss and he’s great, but I think was probably like “whoa, she’s emotional” which who knows, might not be a good thing. I don’t know! But at least I get to see him in 12 days, so…bright spot. Even brighter than my walls, which are pretty damn bright. 2 months ago
Interviewed for a job today. Nailed it.
Whether or not it works out is yet to be seen, but I’m just happy that I got an interview, that the interview went well, and that God has a fun sense of humor. :D 2 months ago
“Be in love with your life. Every detail of it.” – Jack Kerouac 3 months ago
Just having one of those sad days. What is going on?? 3 months ago
Between the Korean music that I can’t understand, the late hour, Ash Wednesday, and the text messaging, I’m having a WHAT is going on here moment.
Went to church for the first time in a LONG time tonight. It was great, surprisingly. New pastor, which is definitely a GOOD thing. I was nervous about going, but everything turned out fine. Lots of hugs, lots of people happy to see me. So that was really nice.
Sitting here listening to music and playing a mindless game, and I get a text. “Happy Early Valentine’s Day” from…Coffee Prof. What?! Just, what?!
So we’re trying to have a text conversation (first ever?) and we’re DEFINITELY not on the same page with anything. So, this is weird. I think he thinks I’ve left town again, and I’m talking about my having left a year ago…
And every time I glance up and catch my reflection in the mirror I see a black smudge on my forehead and remember that it’s the ashes… 3 months ago
It’s times like these I JUST want to know what’s going on. 3 months ago
1) silly as it is, I wish his facebook status didn’t say “single.”
2) if I were mad rich, I’d send myself flowers on Valentine’s Day.
(I should also add that I wish it didn’t say “single” because of me. Not some girl who lives 4000 miles closer.) 3 months ago
Really wish I knew how you felt so I could write my card to you accordingly. I mean, I think I know, but I’m a girl and we second guess things sometimes. Either way, I think you’re keen, and I hope you like the card I’m sending. And that it reaches you in good time.
xoxo 3 months ago
One of those times I just want to say “ARE you insane” to someone.
Dude I used to know is apparently involved in some kind of timeshare/travel ‘company’
scheme and wants to bring me in on his huge successes. By making me watch a 15 minute video. His wording all sounds so slick and scripted. He’s getting a little fussed that I refuse to watch the video…interesting tactic to use on a “friend,” no?
Hehehe…it all just makes me giggle. Sorry dude, I can plan my “dream vacation” on my own without financing your “I don’t want to work anymore so I’m going to pyramid scheme people” pockets.
Awesome try, though. 3 months ago
It was cold today, and I really just wanted hot soup and an afternoon watching movies. Kind of unusual for me, but eh. So I got The Devil Wears Prada, which I think I may have seen before. I read the book a long time ago. It was okay.
Next I watched P.S. I Love You. I read the book a few weeks ago. The book was FANTASTIC, the movie was SO sad. Oy.
But all in all, it just makes me miss my fellow. He’s taking a vacation for a week, and I may not get to talk to him the whole time he’s gone. It’ll be the longest we’ve ever not spoken (currently I think we’ve had two days with no communication since October when he went back to Europe). But…he did some sleuthing and found airline tickets for $880, round trip, to see him. Sold! That’s way cheaper than I’ve found. I haven’t booked yet, but these feel like the right ones. I’m SO NERVOUS about going over there and meeting his family, but he’s just such a gentleman I know I’ll be in good hands.
But for now…oh man, do I miss him! :) 3 months ago
Nothing like a fight with your mom to make you wish you had a real family. 4 months ago
Ugh. I just feel so SAD. Maybe it’s anxiety, maybe it’s hormones. I just want to know what is going on with a job and with the boy. Will I have one this summer? And are the boy and I together? I want to ask him in person, but that won’t be possible for at least another two months, so I may as well bite the bullet and ask on Tuesday. I just wish I could make this feeling go away since I do feel like it’s just hormones and not actually indicative of how I truly feel. 4 months ago
There’s a flight for $934. That’s the cheapest I’ve found so far. Am I ready to go there in two months? Somehow I’m TERRIFIED. I don’t know why. And I kind of feel like ‘well, if it wasn’t his birthday’ it would be better (pressure, for sure) and I’m nervous about meeting his family and friends. OY.
I wish I could text him and tell him, but he’s fast asleep.
On a somewhat related note, I feel like there’s a crack in the facade. 4 months ago
Things that make me narrow my eyes: ex-fiance’s younger brother friending me on FB. We used to be extremely close, then he send me a NASTY (mean) email 3 years ago and we have had no communication since. Kid. What do you want.
Things that make me laugh until I cry: my favorite guy using creative phrases instead of saying “how do you say this in English?” Bonus points for the fact that I can laugh so hard it takes five whole minutes to compose myself and he’s laughing right along with me. 4 months ago
About to make a call to turn down a job offer. I keep going back and forth on whether I want it or not. I think for now, I don’t. I’m holding out for something in a different location.
- closer to town than last job
- closer to friends than last job
- knowledge of area
- spectacular sunsets
- hanging out with The Boy from last job
- kind of over it
- hiking 12 miles a day in dangerous conditions
- possibility of running into old coworkers
- huge expectations
- committing to drive 12 days to get there and back (twice)
- I just don’t want to
Stalemate. Off to get a glass of water and then start dialing… 4 months ago
My sister is just plain crazy and I can’t wait until I don’t have to deal with her again.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just some random boarder some people took in, not their daughter and sister.
I wish my sweetheart didn’t live so far away and that I could text him or call him. But it’s 1a.m. where he lives.
An old friend/acquaintance from high school recently contacted me, wants to get together. Coffee? I say. “Beer”? he says. Eh. He writes back “Get beer Thursday night I don’t drink coffee. I drink beer.” Excuse me? And I don’t drink beer. Impasse. Seriously, dude? If you really want to get together and catch up, you won’t speak to me that way. 5 months ago
Not sure what it is, but my feelings aren’t made of teflon. 5 months ago
Gray, gloomy Saturday. I need to DO something today. Yesterday I got moving and finally got a haircut (so glad I did, it’s cute!), ran some errands, did some cleaning. Today I need to just get up and GO…but I don’t know what to do. I was going to go do some photography stuff but the light is terrible and the place is an hour away…I’d rather go when it’s sunny, even if it’s cold.
Bah! What to do?! 5 months ago
It’s official. I declined the offer of returning to my job. It would run mid-Febrary to early June, then again early August to mid-November. The starts and ends would require twelve days of driving cross country with a carload of stuff. On the plus side, I could go to Europe for five or six weeks. But there are too many negatives, and I was miserable there. So, with no concrete plan in mind…I’ve given up ensured employment. And it feels kind of good. 5 months ago
Our skype conversations usually begin with a little instant messaging, just to make sure the other is around and ready/plugged in before we talk. He’s not prone to verbalizing his emotions, and we don’t call either other by pet names – though I’ve occasionally dropped a ‘dear’ or ‘darling.’ This morning he wrote “hi sweetheart!”...I swooned all day.
:D 5 months ago
The number of friends who have admitted over the last few months to intensely facebook stalking me makes me giggle. :D 5 months ago
Today I pretty much have to tidy up the house.
front hallway living room dining room kitchen
- family room
bathroom upstairs hallway
(And a caramel latte when I’m finished, or at least halfway through? Hmm…) 6 months ago
Good to know some things never change…my sister is still a raging psycho. 6 months ago
the good: delightfully swooning over the memories of our fantastic journey together. Can’t believe it was already a month and a half ago. Such a wonderful time.
the bad: my grandpa fell and didn’t break his hip, but broke the top of his femur two nights ago. He had surgery today and will be starting rehab soon. I’m going up in a few weeks to babysit my cousin and I’ll be able to see him…I’m sure he’ll be FINE, but…I can’t help but think this is the beginning of the end. Broken hips (or breaks near hips) are often a slippery slope at that age. 6 months ago
Oh man. Today he called and we talked for almost an hour and a half. On the phone! That made it seem like he was a little closer and not just the boy in the computer.
Tonight I just miss him. I miss him all the time, but tonight it’s just very acute. Little memories keep flitting into my mind…the night in Arizona when we stayed up late eating pizza and laughing until we cried…the freezing night at 8000 feet in Utah when it rained all night and he offered me a bundle of warm clothes…going backpacking and getting all the way out to our campsite, miles away, before noticing we only had a one-person tent (yet it worked!). Just such a fun, kind, genuine, trustworthy person to be around.
I miss him. But I’m holding out hope that one day we will indeed be in the same place, at the same time, for more than just a few weeks or months.
And until then…photos, phone calls, and memories. :D 6 months ago
Taking a short break from a super hyper mountain dew fueled unpacking binge to say…I’m HOME!!!!!!!!!!!
More on the drive and whatnot later…three days, 27 hours, LOTS of boxes, sweet catching up with a friend in Denver, LOTS of miles through the flatlands, rain, surprisingly nice hotel, more rain, lots of rivers (water!!), and now…mountain dew fueled unpacking binge.
It’s been a wonderful day! 6 months ago
I feel about an inch tall right now. Apparently I’m a terrible person and everyone hates me. Great.
I didn’t write about this before, but here it is. A coworker killed himself last week. Not here, in town. He was 43.
My housemate just went off on me. I don’t know why. I know she’s crazy. I know she’s passive aggressive. I know she has issues. I know we both do things that drive each other crazy. But I also know that if I had to deal with that day in, day out (and thank God, truly, that I’m out of here in 4 days), and I didn’t know any better…I might also think suicide was the only option.
Now, I DON’T…I’m not thinking that at all. I know that I have family and friends that love me, and quite frankly (
$& these (&D@*x%x – as awful as that is to say. I don’t have to come back here and deal with this. I took this job for the money. That was all. And I was able to save money and make it worthwhile. So I got what I came for. And I will be GONE on Sunday. But still…just wow. 6 months ago