figure out my sexuality

Been struggling with this one for ohhh nearly 5 yrs now…

Okay this is so f%^&$%@# confusing.

that I was bi tonight. Shes shocked but very surprisingly accepting. I am happy about this, we’ll see how she feels once the shock wears out though. But i think it will all be fine.

I must say, lately I’ve been conflicted. I am not all proud to be the way I am, I’m going back to my fighting ways, I don’t want this life, I want this. I’m thinking now that I want a relationship with a boy, but i like my friend or think I’m in love with her. It’s so fucking confusing, and I think telling myself this makes it more confusing. It could just be that I really like her as a friend and not love. My god, love is big. Also I just don’t want to end up like those people who deny that they are gay their whole lives and screw everything up like their children’s and their husband’s life including their own.

i lyke boys.
i lyke girls.
both are attracting sexually.
nd emotionally.
im confused.

lately there is a friend of mine (female) that I just really like and am so attracted to. Let’s call her terry. I really want to pursue a relationship with her.. but then I really don’t want to risk coming out to her and find out shes not bi or a lesbian. She acts like she could be when shes around me, but you really can’t be sure. I think with time I will find out what is right for me.
The idea of coming out to my friends that I am bi is still frightening.. I just can’t bring myself to doing it. I felt like I almost did one night with my best friend. But then of course I didn’t. I am thinking of telling terry because nothing can happen if i don’t. but i really have to be sure. just for everyone who still thinks you choose your orientation, you do not! liking boys like i usually do is easier but it does not feel as natural to me.

throwing this idea out there…
I could possibly like one of my closest girl friends? worried about that, I know for a fact she’s straight, but I feel like I could be falling for her which is new for me… I’ve never felt this way before about a girl.. It’s weird, I know .. I shouldn’t even be considering it, but it feels right somehow.

Joining this group is a big step for me.. I have just recently been coming to terms with the fact that no I don’t find men that attractive, but women yes I do. I think I might even like one of my girl friends at the moment, but I’m not pursuing anything until I’m really sure.
I want to be in a place of acceptance if I were to have to I “come out” if I was a lesbian. It doesn’t sound like the scary word it once did, when I was questioning and very much against the idea. I think I might be in the accepting stage,yet still keeping one foot in exploring stage. So confusing at the age of 20, but I know that I will figure it out, but in the meantime I will work at boosting my confidence and have a good time.

The problem with me is that I want the definite answer right away…and I just can’t get it. lol…it’s so frustrating cause I can’t get my brain to stop questioning. There is no doubt that I feel a deep bond with women and that I’m sexually attracted to them..it’s men I wonder about. I mean, do I like them for more than physical attraction??!!

but it isn’t easy for everybody…so if anyone needs help they should seriously seek it…it shouldn’t be embaressing…not in today’s world…

anyway i didn’t really have to “experiment” to know which of the two sexes i’m more content to be with…psychologically (sp) i have a deeper connection to men when it comes to…physical natures…(pleasures in driving cars…wanting stuff that makes us feel a lil’ more “macho”...) but socially i have this amazing connection with women…

anyway it’s all personal so gl for those who are still struggling (or having fun finding out) ;)

—TomtoM—