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lovingmex43 is learning to have fun
yup, I can do this. Why not? I have 9 years for finish my bachelors degree and get my Masters degree. I think I can do it. I lovve myself to give me what I really want.
lovingmex43 is learning to have fun
if the life I dream of is even silly for me to think I can attain it and then I remebr my professors article and realize anything is possible if I want it bad enough. I do want this bad enough. I think that every day I am learning what it is that I want, what makes me happy, I feel like I am finally living in a real world. Like I have been walking around with some sort of film over head, looking at things with blurred vision. Are my dreams so unreal? NO they are not. But some of the ways I think need to change. I realize that I am really afraid of emotional intimacy and I very rearely allow anybody to get to close to me adn when they do I often pick a fight with them so they will back away. I dont’ know what real emotional intimacy looks like. My parents were cold and distant and I don’t know if I ever really learned that. I loved my father so much and then he died, he left me, the one man who I needed so much in my life. And my mother seemed so releived so see him go.
I want to learn to open up my heart and be vulnerable and let someone be close to me. I really hope that I can one day accomplish that. Someboy who will want to be a part of my family, with the girls, who they will like and who will like them. Who can bend and compromise WITH me so we can life harmoniously and looking out for each others good. win-win, is it just a dream? I believe there is a possibility for all of it.
lovingmex43 is learning to have fun
graduate from college wiht my bachelors degree
lovingmex43 is learning to have fun
I have read and re-read the “Why your life sucks and what you can do about it” a few times now. You would figure I would get it all by now but I do not. It suggests that you can have everything you want if you just go after it. You put your own limitations upon yourself. I want to believe that but I have my reservations. I am looking for mr right. I haven’t found him yet. Not quite certain I ever will. That scares me. I have not found my dream job or even the glimmer of exactly what I want to do, not yet.
Sometimes I think that I don;t even know the dream that I am looking for. I understand what Dr Phil says, (yah, Dr Phil) You have to name it to claim it. I have to name what I think my dream is, what I think success is for me to go after it, to find it, to achieve it.
He is right.
lovingmex43 is learning to have fun
a nicely, comfortably furnished home, where perhaps SOME of thye furniture match.
being able to travel by car, train, plane, just to see the world, to relax, to learn something new.
find a real partner, one who doesn;t get high ten minutes after waking up, who doesn;t hide behind 15 excuses for everything that is going wrong in his life, who can communicate, enjoys some fo the things I do and loves me, truthful and faithful.
making enough money not to worry from day to day and week to week.
a decent car that runs without $500 of repairs every six months, one that I can trust to take me where I want to go, if that be california or alaska.
lovingmex43 is learning to have fun
that appears to be just a dream, a wish, a desire, a fleeting momment of clarity, yes this is what I want.
Those exquisite momments where I feel this elated happiness and know I need that in my life and in an instant it is gone and I remember that it is only a dream.
I want those dreams, day dreams or night dreams, those fantasies that fill my heart with such joy to actually BE my life, the life I live every day.
