I took a really close look at my finances. Despite making way more money last year than ever before in my life, I also spent way more. I paid off a lot of debt, so my net worth is much improved, but my savings are still shockingly low.
Observation: Never before have I worried about money as much as now, when I’m making more money than ever before. This is because I set the bar pretty high: I wanted to go to grad school this Fall with a hefty nest egg: at least $40K.
I look at my spreadsheet and think, “OK, better keep at this job. It’s hard to find anything that pays this well.” When I get to work, though, I feel frazzled, partly because the work is choppy jumping between extremely tedious programming tasks, and partly because my heart is truly elsewhere. I have ideas for web sites, I have ideas for interesting books, I have ideas for research, and I have studying to do to get ready for grad school. Switching my brain in the morning to focus on work stuff is painful.
I am torn between just quitting the job and taking my chances on highly speculative web work vs. holding out until I reach a savings goal. I think doing intellectual work just for the money is extremely unpleasant and also quite risky: you get money, but you spend time on stuff that you don’t care about. Will that money really pay off in well-spent time later, or will I look back and feel that I accomplished nothing of value? Time spent doing meaningless stuff can never be recovered. There is stuff I want to do before I die, and the kind of work I’m doing at the job is not it. By sticking with this job, I am not trusting the “improv way of life”.
Looking back, the best times of my life were times when I was unemployed. Of course, they were also times when I was living off a big pile of savings. It takes a lot of courage to refuse good money.
Quitting to do my own projects would be much easier if I reduced my expenses. I am feeling so exhausted from the job, I don’t have time for that! It’s a vicious circle. I think the way to break vicious circles is with drastic action.
However, my current plan is to delay drastic action until May. That’s when I will have enough savings that I’ll feel reasonably comfortable quitting.