soltera working like a good girl
Well, I was inspired by a friend who has more trouble with public speaking than even I do, to join a Toastmasters group. Even though I’ve always thought that was the last thing on earth I would ever do, something about the way she seems to be benefiting from it has changed my mind.
Tonight I attended my first Toastmaster’s group, and it was okay. I attended as a guest, and I think I will check out another group or 2 since there are a ton in my area, and then choose one to commit to. I can see how it could help with my fear of speaking impromptu even in small groups.
I never seem to have the courage to express myself, or the wherewithal to think in a group when called upon. My flight or fight response kicks in, and I say the first thing that comes to mind, and it comes out in a rushed stream of stupid. This fear limits me in so many ways, and I’m really tired of being a bundle of nerves in work situations, social situations, and educational situations.
On the way home tonight from the meeting I had a sort of tearful epiphany. I started thinking about my childhood and times I have been called upon to perform. I thought about playing softball, and my parents making fun of me because I played right field and didn’t run for the ball aggressively. I thought of marching band, when my parents came to watch and laughed afterward because they said they saw me drop my flag (I actually think they were looking at someone else, because I certainly would have known if I had dropped it, but it actually made me wonder if I had). I thought about always being asked to play guitar for them, and not being able to because my fingers would tremble. I thought about a dance performance I lied to my boyfriend about because I didn’t want him to see me suck, but he didn’t understand, and this ridiculousness actually precipitated our breakup. I remember times in elementary school, middle school, and high school when I was called on and unprepared. I remember having to make a speech because I was the recipient of a scholarship and being scared to death and my parents being there to “lighten” the situation.
Waah waah waah, poor me. My parents are not awful people, but they are sarcastic as hell and turn most things into a joke. Looking back on it now, I think that has probably contributed to my performance anxiety. Before American idol came to be, we used to go to the local talent show and laugh til our sides hurt. No they are not bad people, but maybe they are shy, scared people themselves. I know they would never say anything derogatory to anyone directly. However, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen my dad perform or speak in any public way and he is pretty much the ringleader of the jokes. Maybe it’s easier to make fun of people who put themselves out there, than to put yourself out there. My mother on the other hand did used to perform quite regularly on stage before I was born and when I was young. I have vague memories of that. I wonder if my dad “joked” with her about it?
I wonder if his heart beats as fast as mine when all eyes are turned his way?
