(not counting this one)

I’m pretty sure that I used to have quite a few more entries, before my “death and resurrection” that time I accidently deleted my account. Robot Joe was super-kind and reinstated my account, but a lot of my old information was lost. So I don’t know how far along this goal I really-and-truly have ever gotten, but I have records at least of these last 20.

I started this goal a very long time ago, when I felt no pride in myself. I was in a deep depression, feeling like I’d never accomplished anything worthwhile in my entire life. I decided I would list 43 different things, each with their own entry explaining it in detail, because I wanted to be able to look back and say my life had NOT been in vain. Tiny as a lightning bug though my accomplishments felt, I celebrated each one. “I may not be worth much, but at least I’ve done THIS!” was my internal scream to the universe.

Having done ANYTHING, I cannot now ever tell myself again that I’ve done NOTHING. It seems stupid and obvious, perhaps, but it mattered to me. I have nothing left of my childhood, or even young adulthood, because in the first place nobody ever celebrated anything I did, and in the second case most of my history got lost during the time when I was homeless. This is me making a record that I WAS HERE. I existed on this planet, and did a few things, and some of them were kinda neat. I’ve learned, I’ve grown, and I’ve made an impact on others around me to some degree.

I look back through the entries in this goal from time to time. It’s amazing to me how much joy I can feel from these little affirmations of worth. Honestly, more than any other goal I’ve ever started, this is one I wish I could share with others, especially others who may lack much self-esteem. It hasn’t been easy to fill this category up. Forty-three is actually quite a large number to reach. But that makes it a pleasant, ongoing goal that covers me for years, as I continue to do things I’m proud of.

It’s okay to be proud. Proud is good. Proud gives you strength and dignity. Proud is not the same as vain. Vanity is when you compare yourself to others, hoping to look better. Proud is just when you stand up to your own full height (whatever that may be), and just joyfully EXIST.

_{I are Proud Bunny.}17 months ago

Solstice 2011 was my project at the church. I organized, designed, wrote, decorated for, paid for, and generally made the whole thing happen. Obviously I had LOTS of help from good friends, especially my choir director who filled in with beautiful music on the piano and harp, and my storyteller friend who listened to all my ideas and helped me refine them and made many creative suggestions. Also, there were the actors who played the Four Directions, the dancers who brought us joy during the Story, the singers in the choir, the contributors who provided the Disco Ball and other supplies, and the volunteers who brought food, helped move tables and chairs, or helped clean up afterwards. So though it was my baby and I know I did an awful lot of work myself, I also know I could never have pulled it off alone. I am very grateful to everyone who helped.

Recruiting others’ help, and trusting them to handle different aspects of “my” project was a tough thing for me. Yet I have now learned a lot about how important it is to do just that. If I do this again I will certainly take these lessons to heart, and invest my time more in building a team than in trying to do everything myself. The way I did it was far too exhausting, and limiting.

Still, I don’t blame myself for not knowing. It was my first attempt, and I’m proud that all together it did come out successfully. Besides doing this, I have also compiled a binder full of information, plans, contacts, etc. which I used to organize this event, and which I will pass on to the next organizer. Probably THAT will be my greater legacy. 90% of the stress of this job was in having no map to follow, no teacher, no recipe for how it was ever done before. This is my trail of breadcrumbs which I hope the next person will be able to take advantage of, to make organizing Solstice (or other holidays) a much clearer set of doable tasks instead of a foggy mountain of unknown requirements.

But this entry is just to remind myself that YES! I did something bigger than I ever thought I could. I ran a whole church service, and it turned out beautifully.

Full details of how the service went are listed here.17 months ago

I’ve known how to French braid my hair since I was a little kid.
After I grew up and my hair got long I learned to make a French twist, and later a bun. But the Dutch braid eluded me.

Finally I found a YouTube video which explained the trick to me, and now it is my favorite way to wear my hair if I want it out of my face.

_{notice: this is a stock photo, not one of actually me, though I think I look quite similar}21 months ago

It’s important for me as a meat-eating person to feel a connection to the animals I consume. In order to feel moral about eating meat, I have to know that my food comes from animals who were well-treated in life, and dispatched humanely.

Today I worked at a farm that raises and sells supremely happy and healthy chickens, raised their whole lives with comfort and joy on fresh grass every day, enjoying sunshine and all the bugs they can eat. I feel proud that I faced what could for some people be a fear – of handling freshly-killed animals, including their insides. I did an excellent job and was not squeamish (hardly at all). I am proud to be part of a natural cycle of healthy eating.

I’m also pretty darn pleased to have received some fresh chickens for my own use as a reward. :) 22 months ago