Win her back

My granny used to say ’ never regret the things that made you smile!’
I dont.

BUT that is why I regret to push the ‘i give up’ button!
There’s no point being someones option when you make them a priority. It’s just not fair, and in the long run, it’ll be better for us both.

The past few weeks have been really hard. I have had minimal contact with Jane. Texts. Not even spoke to her or seen her. And the messages have been cold and left me feeling really really down.
Today’s the day to hit the button.
Ive cried all the tears I can spare now and am sick of feeling worthless and unwanted. Its time to remove it off my list and out of my mind. The day I put the goal up I knew it would stare me in the face every day I logged into 43T, and maybe that is not going to help things.
Its time to dust of the cobwebs and pick myself up again.
It’s going to be hard but it’s the only option left I feel.
It’s the only things left I can do!
It’s the last thing I want to do, but giving up is the only way forward at this moment in time I think.
I tired of being sad and I want to be happy again.
If you love something, set it free.

She is set free.

But fuck it’s painful!

I could do with a hug right now :-(

to press the give up button on this.
I don’t want to.
But it has to be done.
It’s my birthday soon so I will wait until after that.
She owes me one after what I did for her birthday!

So we met tues night.
and we talked.about everything. everything came out and it put us both straight. all cards were put on the table.
but it never got nasty or malicious.
if fact, it felt kind of relieving to be saying all the things I tried so hard to keep inside.
it was a little emotional for us both.
Anyway, we ended with a hug and she said that it was a big deal for her to be letting me back into her life again after so did so well to get over me, not to sound bigheaded! I gave her a lovely bunch of flowers that I had in my car, and we left it there. she said to leave her to text and ring me in her own time instead of me always initiating it.
the next day she text me. then after work she rang me.
I was so happy.
this will be a slow process but I have to show her she can trust me again.
I understand nothing will happen just yet, but friendship is a good place to start and I’m happy to be here rather than nowhere!
So, i’m giving her more time and space, and let her contact me in her own time. I told her I’d take her out for a nice meal and night out somehwere fun whenever she wanted, and that all she had to do was call.
She said it could happen.
We’ll leave it there for the time being.
meanwhile, I have stopped crying, work isn’t as bad as it was, and life generally has become less of a struggle.
I got some answers.
and got things off my chest.
It’s a start. and where else best to start? than at the start!

I’m tired of feeling like this.
Hurting
All day ,ong, every day.
Dragging my feet around after me.
Feeling lonely, unwanted, unloved and meaningless.
It’s a typical cliche but I give everything I own to turn back the clocks just a short time.
How can a love so strong, dissapear?
How can someone who means the world to you, then become nothing more than a stranger.
My faith is passing away just like the days.
I dreading pressing the ‘give up’ button on this goal, and then adding the ‘get over a broken heart’ goal.
Please God, rescue me for I am crushed in spirit.

A best mate had some terrible news today. K, like myself is going through girl troubles and is in as much of a mess as I am. So it’s nice to talk and help each other out.
However, one of his friends from university who I met once before had some awful news.
He had been going out with a girl off and on for the past 6 years. They had worked out and overcame their troubles and were finally talking about getting back together. They couldn’t have been happier to find each other again.
However last week, whilst she was on holiday abroad in Greece with her friends, she unfortunately got hit by an idiot on a quad bike, and she didn’t make it through and passed away.
When my friend K told me about this, I sat on his sofa, and tears rolled down my face. I’d never met her before and only met him once.

It made me think what if that happened to J. I’d wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
And he though about what he’d do if he lost his ex girlfriend. I encouraged him to fight for her too.
Luckily, she is a friend of mine too and I can help him out, whereas he doesn;t really know J, so I fighting this battle on my own!
That is why, even though this goal is very hard work, taking it’s toll physically and mentally, heartbreaking and painful, I will persist.

REGRETS ARE THINGS WE HAVN’T DONE YET!

And I not prepared to live my life regretting anything anymore.
Even if all my efforts don’t pay off, I know full well, I’ll be devestated, but at least I won’t be sat wondering what could have been, and ‘if only I fought for her’.

Yesterday only confirmed what I already knew. I need her in my life as more than a friend.
But as my partner.

Out of the blue.
Saying she’s not stopped crying after since yesterday.
I think it was to do with the stuff I gave her.
She the same yesterday.
I don’t if this is good or bad.
But I’m keeping my distance.

She is my NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!

Ok, so we finally met for lunch today.
It was cheerful and chatty like last time.
And then we talked seriously about us on the way back to the cars.
I made my case.
And she listened.
I knew she wasn’t going to break my heart today as she was the one who suggested lunch and I thought, why would she want something to eat if she was going to drop a bombshell.
So she said she needs more time to think about things.
I suppose even though I’m still in limbo, it’s better than being on the scrapheap, although the waiting doesn’t make it any easier.
I told her how much she means to me.
We left it there.
I’m not going to call or text her again.
Now it’s a waiting game.
I have to get on with things now.
I hope she comes back to me.
I could have kissed her all afternoon.

I thought I’d know one way or the other by now, but we didn’t get to meet yesterday. She text me with the news that she had a last minute job interview at the hospital. A job that she really wants, so I said to go for it and not to worry about not meeting me. I would have never stood in the way of this opportunity for her.
I know it was genuine and not just to put off meeting me.
I wished her all the best and I was thinking about her lots. I know she is super at her job. She totally deserves it.
So we are meeting on monday for lunch. That’s when judgement day is.
A new chapter…..
The saga continues…....................

Today is the day.
We’re meeting for the very last time this afternoon.
I’ve told her I wanted an answer. Either we can take it slowly and rebuild something really special again. Or, she can’t see us ever being together and I walk away and start a new chapter in my life.
I hope it’s the first answer, but either way, I’m looking forward to getting some closure on it all.
I hope I come back with my bags and my mother says ’’I told you so…’‘

Well, I’m wide awake and its 5.15am. I have been awake since 4.20am and only fell asleep at 2am. My mind is on overdrive and I really do not know what to do.

It seems the ex has been lying to me. Bare faced lies
It’s a long story but here goes.
Around the time I split with with J, a friend of mine/mutual friend of ours was dumped by his girlfriend.
him and J struck up a friendship because they had that in common and could comfort each other.
now I know J says he’s her best friend. I know they became close and that was ok but I was always skeptical about his motives.
I always asked her if anything had happened between them, and shes always denied it. and filled me with lies and stories behind stories.
anyway i found out they had been up to something.
he told me
and she admitted it.
I dont understand it though, they are not together as a couple at the moment, but i know he wants more from the friendship, as she told me.
i told him, as long as they wernt boyfriend and girlfriend then i will be there trying to fight for her back.
she says hes her best friend and would never give him up.
she said she’d ring me last night to speak, but she never did.
just text me saying work was busy.
Last night I rummaged throughout my room. I got a bag of all her old valentines day presents, teddies, ‘best boyfriend in the world’ mug, I got all her old love letters and cards throughout the yearts she sent me, and every photo of her in it, and put them in a shoebox. Anything i had that reminded me of her went in it. Cinema stubs, badges from places weve been. i’d even kept our itinery for both of our holidays to crete and mexico. they went it.
I love her with unhumanly proportions and if I can’t be with her, I cannot linger on her memory. I have to move on.
I looked at all the pictures and re-read the letters and cards. Tears streamed down my face at F1 speed. It was/am heartbroken to do it but I have to to move on. I don’t have the heart to throw all that stuff out, so on Friday when we meet for the last time, I’m going to give her all of it, on the condition she doen’t throw them all away, nor do the same thing to me and return all the things I gave her. I cherish all of them but I cannot live with them in the drawers of my bedroom anymore. I have to move on.

My eyes are sore from crying.
My head is sore from thinking.

When we meet on friday I suspect no good news will come, only heartache. I’m not expecting anything and that way I won’t be too dissapointed – well, ‘too dissapointed’??? I don’t know why I bothering as I know I will be devestated when she finally says that me and her will never be together. Because she’s never said it yet.
But I know it will be coming.
These lies are just the final nail on the coffin.
Sneaking around behind my back.
Her leading me on, meeting me for dinner, texting, ringing ….
But daft as I am, I’m prepared go forgive her in a second for it, if she’d only admit she still loves me and maybe we could save each other.
I know on friday I will end up walking away from the girl I was meant to marry and be a mother to my children. I will be walking away from our futures, but there’s nothing I can do. She knows I love her madly, yet won’t let her hurt pride go for the sake of happiness in the future.
Friday will have some closure on it all.
I’ll be prepared for the news but not prepared how to react to it.
At least then I can ‘give up’ on this goal and move

I am hurting like never before and I pray to God for strength and guidence.

I truely am miserable.