talk

it is fun to make fiends

It took me one night to understand.

And now I have my reasons.

Hi! I want know new people by internet because I think it’s a realy funny ! I’m interesting about music , dance and another subject… if someone wants skype me it’s my skype: szymek1800

We never got a chance to talk, to make things a little bit easier and not that complicated as I see them.

And now THAT cheering makes things even more awkward.

No matter how hard You’ll cheer on that, it will never be that easy to achieve.

I like filing stuff where it feels right. This is con’t from where I left off

So I’ve been doing a lot of reading of Havi’s stuff lately. Destuckification helps calm me down. The blog teaches lessons that I am slowly internalizing. I also took the plunge and ordered her Shiva Nata program (it only took me 5 hours to click the buy now button).

So I took my hurt, my pain, my anger and I sat with it for a while. I let myself be hurt, upset and angry. And I thought about it. I didn’t talk to the people that I was upset at until I was ready. When they tried, I said, I’m angry and upset right now and I don’t want to talk to you. I’m going to process this and we’ll talk later, (because I don’t want to just scream and yell at you and sound like a crazy lady) And I took a couple of days and figured out what I wanted to say, why I was upset, why I was hurt. And it went well I think.

I went for my massage today. It’s actually called a Mystic Massage and it’s a very emotional, spiritual, moving experience more than your typical physical experience. And I was talking with the massage therapist about issues that I wanted to work on and I mentioned my emotional turmoil briefly while we were talking about chakras. She said to me, you subconsciously touched your throat as if you’re having a hard time talking about what’s bothering you (this is after I had the conversations with the people who were bothering me). And then I randomly picked a scent and got the voice one.

So as I was getting the massage, I kept focusing on saying to myself over and over again…

You are worthy.
You are love.
You have value.
You are safe.
You have a voice.

And, it was true. And moving.

And I realized that my body is telling me that I need to have another Talk with someone.

Before my massage, last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was yelling at my father, upset and angry all the things I really think after I talk to him on the phone. That he doesn’t really care / love / value me. That he’s an asshole and that he should just leave my life because he doesn’t really care.

And what happened was that he punished me. He put passwords on my computer (not THIS computer, my computer from when I was 13 and living at home) limiting the times I could use it.

As I was on the bus to my massage, it went past a school that we used to drive by when I was about ~5. It used to have a sign in white letters and I would read it and make up what it said everyday. Stuff like: Daddy and me are driving to school today.

So… I think I need to process this.
Talk.

Therapy made me sad today. We started talking about what my goals are, which lead to tears because it feels like I have no long term goals. I know that’s not true, but “getting better” isn’t really a goal, it leads to the questions: What do you want to change in your life? What do you want to achieve? Who do you want to be? Etc… And I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m just somewhat in awe that I’ve gotten to the point that I’m at now, stable, that I don’t really want to rock the boat and risk losing what I’ve worked so hard to gain.

And then we started talking about my parents, like bringing up a lot of stuff that I’ve put aside and not thought about for a long time. And that made me sad. And then he mentioned how most people had their family to fall back on and that they could feel safe reaching for goals because they had a fall back plan. And I don’t.

Then again, he’s said that considering my background, that I’ve created little mini environments of stability for myself. I pointed out that I’m using money as a way to create a form of backup for myself, which is true.

It just really upset me because to me it seemed to imply that the fact that I don’t have my parents in my life that I’ll never be able to have goals and a future and all of that jazz. Which isn’t true. It also made me feel like I was all alone. Which isn’t true either.

But I can continue this quest of self-discovery, introspection and setting and achieving goals that I’ve been following for the last little bit. Slowly, bit by bit, I’m fitting pieces of the puzzle together. I’m learning what makes me upset, how I can lift myself up from being upset, how I can learn from what makes me upset and try and grow from it. No one ever said it was going to be easy, but I have come a long way from where I used to be and I can take comfort in that. I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years from now, but I do know where I’ll be tomorrow and it’s only a few more tomorrows added on to my yesterdays and I’ll be me, five years older.

I was watching The Last Lecture and the message that I came away was that:
I want to change the world.
I want to help.
I want to have made an impact in someone’s life.

I’ve been in that situation before, when I was in the Air Cadets and I had cadets below me. I had a very particular way of doing things. I demanded a lot of my cadets, but gave back a lot in return. I actually have an email from one of my Flag Party cadets (Glaf party, inside joke) who said how much I helped him, guided him and how grateful he was.

And I started thinking… How could I find a job / career that would allow me to impact people? Who would I want to impact? What skills do I have? How could I be teaching?

And I’ve never made it a secret that I have BPD. And I’ve slowly been sharing my journey from where I am to who knows where here on 43T. I’ve always liked writing. I’ve been told that I do it well. I write from the heart and soul, so it’s not always the most polished thing. And I was thinking that there aren’t that many BPD blogs by BPDs out there.

I started thinking that I could write a blog, with it’s own domain name and adsense and etc about my travels with BPD, therapy, self work, etc…

The thing is, is when I get these ideas, I want to jump on them right away and do them NOOOOOWWWWW. The textbook would call it being impulsive I believe. So I’m going to take a few steps back, do some research, do some thinking, maybe prewrite a few articles and see if this is something that I could take somewhere.

Because as my Google Gadget has been telling me: I find creative ways to generate extra income. This is an interesting spark of insight and just might be a plan, however I’m going to look before I leap, so that it doesn’t become something that I quickly loose interest in, like my blogs of the past.

cool life list

So it was my birthday yesterday. Umm yay! Well I thought so until stuff fell apart. But you’ll need some background first, so here’s the coles notes version of my family.

I was adopted by my adoptive parents (thereafter refered to as my parents) and grew up with them until I was 13 when they booted me out into the foster system, where I started living with my foster mom, Fabienne.

So a couple of days ago, I get a message on FB from my real sister. Then on my birthday I get a message (again on FB) from my adoptive sister. Now I haven’t spoken to either of them in years and years. And then (this is the cherry on all of it) I call my father, whom I speak to sporadically at best, and find out that my parents are getting divorced. That and he forgot about my birthday. Uhh thanks Dad.

So now I’m just thrown for a complete and utter loop. I mean I hate my mother and I’ve always thought that my father would be better off without her, but still, for it to actually happen. For my father to pick the worse day to tell me about it.

And then there’s the plethora of questions about family that come up now. Who is my family? Who gets my loyalty? How do I deal with family I haven’t spoken to in years?

I went out for lunch with my cousin (adoptive parents) the other day and it was the weirdest thing at some points. I would be talking about my foster mom and she was talking about our cousins that I would see once a year and have no memory of what so ever since I haven’t seen them in 10 years.

Most of me just doesn’t want to get involved in the whole drama. Wants to ignore my sisters and hope that they go away. Just spend my life in the peace of seeing the same people once a year for the holidays and call those people family. Somehow I think I’m going to make things a lot more complicated for myself.

So I went to my first session of group therapy today. And I spent most of the time wondering why I was there. Literally. I don’t understand the problems that these people have. I can’t understand panic attacks. I can’t understand living on EI. I can’t understand living at home. I just don’t get it.

And when I talked to my friend about it, he said I was self centered because I worry about catching these types of problems. They say that you’re the people you hang out with. And he pointed out all the things that I have to work on. Doing laundry. Socializing. Having a life. Eating properly, doing groceries, etc, etc. Sleeping properly. These are the things that I have issues with. I don’t see how listening to other people’s issues that I don’t understand is supposed to help me with mine. There I go being self-centered some more.

I don’t understand. I just don’t.