control my anger

yeah so i have been controlling my outbursts, but i can’t seem to control my bad moods. when i get in a bad mood, i don’t give a shit about anything. i even think ‘why are you in a bad mood? what can you do about it?’ but i answer with ‘i don’t give a shit’. and i usually blame someone else for my bad moods. so i guess i should change the name of this goal to: stop blaming others for things i can control. like my mood. i need to stop letting people effect me so much. mostly, its my boyfriend that affects me, and not in a good way. if this continues, ‘we’ are not.

I want to stop letting all the anger I have built up come out when something little bothers me.

I have realized that I purposely say (mean, bitchy, nag, complain, etc.) stuff to my husband because I am angry at him for not loving me, noticing me, respecting me or appreciating me. We were fighting so bad that I kicked him out of our bed. And he likes it on the couch better. So it’s not a punishment for him. I am happier too for now but would rather him love me and we sleep together! Oh well….

not going well this, last month Ive gone down very badly last month, once I started working Ive lost it :( I dono why!!! I was doing well but now I am back to square one I am fighting.

it would be nice to not lose it when i get pissed off

since i can remember i’ve had an anger problem. it just seems to be getting worse as i get older. i seem to be constantly trying to deal with this – obviously unsuccessfully. feel like it is just going to be my defining characteristic. it’s mental – i hate it – and i seem to have absolutely no control over it. it’s violent and outrageous. i am dealing with a lot of stuff just now – divorce, possible bankruptcy, troublesome teenager, new(ish) baby even a possible criminal conviction. that’s on top of a million other major life events that seem to have taken place within the past couple of years. my stress levels are through the roof – i’m starting really to feel very depressed – but i reckon out of everything it is this anger that creates the most problems for me. i decided to seek cognitive behaviour therapy to help me deal with my pending divorce from a husband i adore but cannot live with or see any future with. i think these sessions are meant to be quite short lived i.e a couple of months so when i was thinking to myself what the focus should really be – it came down to the anger – as it totally makes everything 100 times worse for everyone. the worrying thing for me though is – as i have been feeling so low and trying to search the web for some sort of answers/direction etc i come accross these categorisations of personality disorders – particularly looking at borderline personality disorder and even showing signs of antisocial personality disorder. i am really concerned about this as i think it is probably likely i do suffer from this. the thought of being labelled as anything like that though terrifies me – i have 4 children whom i try to do my best with and it terrifies me to think what could happen if i started persuing a course that would get me labelled as such. anyway – that’s just something else to worry about. so here i am (again) on 43things hoping to give myself some focus on goal setting etc trying to get myself through a terrible period and my no 1 item for change will be to deal with this anger somehow. for now i have booked in a cbt session for next week. i’ve also looked out some good web resources to start me off. the probelm with this sort of self help road is that is always seems to be a road that i get lost on along the way. well here i go again…

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www.angriesout.com

Has great activites and articles about anger management and tools!!

I made it my homepage!

started reading the book again. it gave me a lot of peace the last time i read it. :) Got angry wit maid today. after that have been alone so not angry. if I think about it, I am not really troubled by negetive thoughts, If I were Id be angry even when I am alone right?
just deleted a terrade of complaints about my husband. I feel pushed aroung and short charged that;s the bottom line. I am gonna seperate, that’s the conclusion. I have decided. I am not staying here for the conviniece of it. He may be a nice person, most other husbands are much worse etc etc but I cannot tolerate his personality. i am not gonna care about people and thier comments and suggestions. whats right for them is not right for me.

I have to start work on my mental situation all over again. Ciscumstances turned stressful and i am back to being mad.

This Friday I am seeing a counselor for the first time. I’ve been trying to keep a handle on things myself, but it doesn’t seem like I am able to do it on my own. My wife tells me I have to take responsibility for my actions, I can agree with that. I guess I feel cheated though because while I do not blame my wife for making me lose my temper, she can push my buttons very easily, but will always tell me she isn’t pushing my buttons. That pushes my buttons as well. Am I losing it and going crazy here? Maybe this will give me some validation. Hopefully it will give me some ability to keep calmer and not blow up. I can recall things my father did when I was a kid, and I do not want to impart that on my son. He has his own issues as well (he’s 6) and I can see too many similarities. I don’t want him going throught he same things I did.