control my anger

The best guage is when I asked S. if she noticed how much better I was doing. She responded immediately that my control was much better. I’m not perfect and I won’t say I don’t get angry, or very frustrated, but the way I express it and the way I let it make me feel and react I have much more control over. By consciously choosing my responses, I have created a way to see the whole picture and relative value of whatever I was upset about. I am even more sensitive to those around me who react out of anger (and there are a lot of them). Some I can talk to and help them put their reaction into context to the aggravation, others I can only stand aside and say “There but for the grace of fates…”

My dad has always been concerned about my temper and how I treat my siblings, so I want to make him stop worrying about me and my siblings. So I am getting some anger management books at the library and working through them. Wish me luck~

It’s been a while since I updated this, I couldn’t be bothered really, which probably sums things up at the moment.

I cannot seem to let things go, I cannot seem to avoid letting things bother me. I’m constantly angry, frustrated, disappointed, defeated, and I don’t know what to do.

I told Bev that if I had my time again I wouldn’t have children, she went off on one a bit but she didn’t really understand what I meant. I love my children, I actually do, but I can’t seem to do a good job of being there Dad.

I feel like I have 3 options;

1. I keep trying really hard, feiling, feeling angry and sad and a failure and making my kids life poor, which is what I’m doing at the moment.
2. Leave and start a new life distancing myself drom them so I can minimise the damage I do
3. I say ‘f&k it’ and just get on with my life, doing what I want to do and let them do what they want to do

I like 3 the best, it means I am true to myself and do what I want, instead of what I think I should be doing, I should be happy as I’m being what I want to be doing.
Everyone around me can do what they like and react how they like, I’ll keep doing what I do and if they don’t like it they can change their behaviour around me.
If Bethany doesn’t like how I speak to her, tough, she needs to shout at me less then.
If Bev doesn’t like the way I do something, tough, she can tell me ‘this isn’t who I am’ all she likes, but I know what goes on in my head better than she does.

So my new life philosophy is,
‘Fck ‘em, f*ck ‘em all. I’ll do what I like, when I like, and if anyone doesn’t like it, that’s their problem!

The more I work at this, the worse I seem to get. This weekens I went totally postal over as computer.

My laptop is broken and I’m using a totally rubbish old one which won’t allow me to do very much at all. I was struggling to do some simple things with it got totally frustrated, went off on one, put the lid down and started thumping the ferking thing.

I then stormed off to the cupboard under the stairs looking for something, came accross Bevs card making stuff and decided to rant about homw much room they were taking, and how she never does it anyway so might as well get rid of it.

Bev then spent the next hour crying and packing stuff up to give to her friend because she didn’t want to hurt me.

Jesus, I am such a prick, why does she put up with me?

But today I’m back to trying to train my mind with the Four Agreements. I feel like a right bastard because the people who love me keep forgiving me even though I treat them like shit.

My family are wonderful people.

I slapped my son Owain today. As usual it wasn’t about anything in particular and I had no warning of my reaction so couldn’t even try to control it.

Right now, I don’t know what to do. I wonder if my family will be better off without me.If I’m not here all the time to get angry then we won’t all feel crap all the time.

I want to be a good Dad, but I don’t seem to be able to live up to the model I have of a good Dad.

This gets me into a cycle of failure, regret, self loathing, more failure, more regret, you get the ides.

I don’t know what to do. I believe with all my heart I’m a bad father an I don’t want to be, but I can’t seem to find the strength to change. And as usual it’s the innocent ones who pay the price.

About an hour after I wrote my last update the goal for the day started to appear cheesey.
I’m still on a total downer at the moment, but strangely I can’t sit here and tell you what at. It’s more of a general rage at the world as a whole.

You know, the world is totally shit and so are everybody in it.

You’re all bastards and I hate everyone of you. And this is without being angry at anyone or anything in particular.

Although, if I put my mind to it I can probably list a few things that are totally pissing me off at the moment, for example;
my car which is broken and will cost a fortune to mend,
my computer which is also broken and I can’t afford to replace,
my job which is so mind numbingly boring I’m sure I can actually see brain sells flying out of my ears (if I turn my head quickly enough).

It all seems so pointless at the moment that I’m getting frustrated which is causing my tolerance levels to drop dramatically, and I’m getting angry everyone and everything.

Maybe worth doing some Wii Fit tonight, a couple of jogs aroud the island will hopefully burn off some frustration.

All my good intentions seem to have gone out of the window at the moment.

I feel full of rage. My goal for today is this.

Be too big for worry and to noble for anger

fail.

I kinda try. And sometimes, occassionally, I pass.

I don’t know how to control it. It’s only with my family, I can bite my toungue around friends. All they have to do is say something eonly remotly annoying and I blow up. It turns into a massive argument.

It makes me seem like a toddler.

I don’t want to live like this.

Troule is, many arguments revolve around food. Because I eat healthy, and my family eat whatever, I get moaned at. Makes me angry. Then with my newfound vegetarianism, it’s gotton worse.

Since entering this goal I have read the truly aweswome book The Four Agreements.

I’m working on number 2, don’t take anything personnally’. It made a huge difference for such a simple concept and actively working at not taking things personnaly has liberated me.

It means I’m not getting angry at so many things as I have done in the past

I really hate being angry. I need help, I’m at the point that I blow up with my boyfriend for what he put me threw during the years we been together (cheating, lying, deceitful and just being immature) taking it out on my kids by yelling at them. I can’t get the pass out of me and I think that’s my source of anger. Every time I try to move on to a clean slate he always does something to trigger the pass in my mind and I think about it and the anger is on. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I love him to death and he even told me one day that if he is the source of my unhappiness and I don’t trust him then I should just leave him, its not that easy. I have two beautiful kids with him. But the other day I sat and thought about what he said and I came to him and made a decision that I was going to leave. Then this asshole going to ask me, am I really going to leave him? in a sad voice. He is really confusing me, I need a way out so I can feel happy again.