Never take anything for granted

I’m doing pretty well at this. If not, I’ll just reopen the goal. :)

I have been seriously freaking out about Mom’s latest illness. She got so sick, so fast. All she’s been up for this past week is sitting in the recliner watching television…when she’s not sleeping, that is. This is the same woman who mopped the floor on crutches – I mean, she doesn’t let stuff get her down.

It scared me, to say the least. I know she’s getting older, but this is really the first time I’ve felt that she’s getting older. I mean, people die of pneumonia. And she rarely even gets colds.

Her blood pressure also worries me. When she went to the doctor, it was 190 over something. She’s said she’ll go to the doctor about that as soon as she’s feeling a little better. I’m going to hold her to that. And, when she’s over all this, I’m pushing her to have that heart cath.

I want her to get well, and stay well. I’m not ready to be without a mom yet. But I have to accept that she won’t always be here, and start making the most of the time we have together.

Today I did the “unthinkable.” I picked a fight with my mother. I won’t bore you with the details…suffice to say that I reached my breaking point with the little digs and told her so. In the course of our conversation (if you can call it that), I realized that her insecurity (and a Type A+++ personality) is the driving force behind a lot of our problems. But how can you address that with someone who considers hurling accusations an acceptable way of talking things out?

All this comes at the worst possible time, of course – in a little over a week, I’m expected to ride in a car with my parents for 5 hours (one way), share a hotel room with them, and attend the memorial of my cousin’s mother. Hell of a time to be pissed off at your own, huh? I dunno. I just can’t keep swallowing it…it’s eating away at me. Perhaps the best thing is for me to drive up in my own car and get my own hotel room.

C, one of my best friends (and former fiance), got some very sad news today. His ex, with whom he was patching things up, passed away – she was in the hospital for some tests, and just didn’t wake up this morning. They don’t know yet what happened. She was only 38.

Nothing either of us has gone through compares to this. He kept saying “This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to come back and we were supposed to get married.” And I believe they would have. Having been so close to him, I can say with some certainty that if there are such things as soul mates, she was his.

It’s a very strong reminder that you just never know what will happen. And that life yea verily sucks sometimes.

Talked to R tonight on the phone (early…we’re both tired and wanted to turn in earlyish), and he told me he bought my Valentine’s present today.

Check the date: A full month early here, minus one day. Mind you, I’m used to a) nothing at all, or b) $5 flowers from the grocery store. Not that there’s anything wrong with those flowers, but they tend to give an “afterthought” vibe. The fact that he not only bought me something, but bought it this early, quite frankly floors me.

I have a wonderful boyfriend. :)

_{Now I just have to buy his present. I just need one piece of information, and I can do so.}

Especially when dealing with my increasingly cranky parents. Today was not the best day to visit them, I suppose, but as I left my bc refill in the back of Mom’s car, I had no choice. I try not to get frustrated at their negativity, but sometimes it is so hard.

My recently deceased uncle, it turns out, was my father’s age. Which means both of my parents have yet another reminder that any day now, they may die. It’s odd, watching them realize their own mortality. Mom had a major cancer scare in her late 30s, but that was twenty years ago. To my knowledge, Dad’s never had that kind of wake-up call.

In my case, it was last July. Long enough ago that the fear has somewhat dulled, but recent enough that I don’t feel all that secure in my own mortality.

My friends and my boyfriend have not, of course, had to deal with such bodily betrayals yet.

Sometimes I feel like I’m yelling across a chasm. Trying to explain to people who simply do not understand in any personal sense how quickly and absolutely life can change. One morning you can wake up and have a mass the size of a golf ball in a breast the size of a grapefruit. One morning you can sit down in your chair to watch television, have a heart attack, and never make it to work. It only takes a second for everything to change.

Every day is precious. Every moment is something that will never happen again. We can never assume that there will be a next time.

My uncle died today. Not the one who’s been sick – a different one. I’m unable to attend the funeral, but my parents are going. It’s just going to be a stretch for Mom, because she also has to go on a business trip this next week…no way she can put it off.

Juggling the funeral and the trip is no mean feat. The funeral is in IL. Her trip is to GA. And she, road warrior that she is, was suggesting coming home from one and taking off for the other the next day. Mind you, she’s nearly 60. And has a heart condition and a cataract that she can barely see past.

Dad and I fussed at her enough that she finally conceded to try to get a flight to GA, so at least she wasn’t spending all that time on the road. I mean, earlier this week she almost asked my dad to take her to the hospital because she thought she was having a heart attack! I’ve given her a really hard time the past couple of days about the amount of stress her job involves. I know she takes pride in her work, but I’m not ready to lose her – something that is becoming more and more a reality with every relative I lose. And I put it to her in just those terms. Nearly made her cry, too…which means, I hope, that she’ll listen.

There are lots of things worth dying for. Middle management isn’t one of them.

The terms “never” and “anything” really make this goal seem un-achievable. However…I believe I am intelligent enough to realize when something should not be taken for granted. So I’m gonna call this one quits.

Had a brief conversation with Mom about Dad vs. doctors today (if you listened to him, you’d think they were all out to get us) and what it will take to get him to go to one. Mom thinks he has diabetes. We know for a fact he’s got high blood pressure and skin cancer, neither of which are being treated. He’s overweight, possibly clinically obese. And, well, he’s going to be 60 in a little over a week…I’m sure arthritis is on the list, as well as who knows what else. He doesn’t feel good. He said as much to her the other night, when he told her he wondered if he’d live to see another birthday. Yet he refuses to see a doctor.

And Mom talks a good game, but has she gone in for her heart cath? No. For the first time in their lives, their age is starting to show. They’re scared, and so they’re burying their heads in the sand. Who can’t relate to that?

Admittedly, I have done little in the way of nagging, for either of them. First of all, I believe nobody can judge the quality of another person’s life. Dad does not want to go on a diet. He loves food. Again, I can relate. If it’s more important to him to eat what he wants than to live another ten years, who am I to tell him he’s wrong? I know for a fact my mother’s stress levels, and presumably her heart troubles, would be significantly reduced if she’d get a different job. But she likes the fact that she makes over $50,000 a year. She’s proud of how far she’s come. And she’s not ready to give it up just yet…even if she hates it.

At first I thought the correct approach with both of them was to keep at them until they “see reason.” But I’m rethinking that now. Don’t get me wrong—I have no desire to be an orphan. But neither do I want to mar what might be the last bit of time I spend with them arguing over how they live their lives. I guess all I can do is try to make the most of the time I have, and hope I get more.

Especially this weekend, when everyone was in a snit over something or other. (I’m hormonal…what’s their excuse? :P) It frustrated me because it was a beautiful weekend, but everyone was too grumpy to take advantage of it. And now I’m in a bit of a funk because I feel like I could have done so much more.

Maybe it’s because of that scary lump last year, or because my family members have had so many health problems. Maybe it’s the amount of time I’m losing to the endo. Whatever it is, I’m realizing for the first time just how limited our time is. There may not be a next time, for anything.