Breathe

Mornings and evenings first, let’s really keep this number one priority for awhile, code for meditate, code for be, code for self care, code for mental health. Code for the place from which everything else flows, to which it all returns.

This one is the easiest of all, yet the hardest to remember. I have to constantly remind myself that my life will not end if I forget to write that down, call them back, or show up for that date. Life goes on. Only the people you keep closest to you are important in your life, and they will forgive everything. They may not understand it, but they will always be there to forgive and help you move on. Those that cannot help me do so are not important. I need to remember that those little moments of humiliation will fade, and soon enough they will mean nothing. Only I can decide what is truly breakdown-worthy. And right now, I choose not to allow myself a breakdown over anything. Just breathe, Erika. You’ll get through this. You always have.

She took my breath away. When i watched Her leave five days later, She took it with Her.

^{She still has it}

for some reason or for another, i find my self holding my breath constantly, i lack breathing, my lungs are full of water this is how i feel, i think i should see some doctor, or a fleet of doctors to fix all the hurt i have.

its something new
when its natural its harder
harder to make it happen
but its so simple.
whats wrong with her tonight?
nothing.
‘when everything seems under control, maybe you’re just not moving fast enough’

when my relationship with Her leaves me breathless?

Breathless with desire, with need, with lust. Breathless with anticipation, with longing. Breathless with excitement, with ecstasy, with fulfillment. Breathless with devotion, with adoration, with love.

Breathe, verrin. Breathe.

Today Mistress and i celebrate an anniversary. She has written to express Her joy here. One year ago today, i received the lock pictured here, with these instructions:

“OK, my love. It’s time. Untie the ribbon, and remove the top from the box. Take the lock in your hand. Feel its heft, its hardness, and think about all that it represents: my ownership, your purpose, our bond. Pleasure, mine, and in fulfilling mine, yours. There is no greater joy at this moment for either of us than what this lock signifies. For the time that you wear it, you will belong to no one above or besides me. In return, know that possessing you ignites my desire, my love. I am on fire…knowing that your heart, your body, belongs to me, as you will soon signify. I imagine that your heart is racing, too, your passion mounting, at the thought of my ownership, your bondage, the lock attached to your most intimate flesh. If and when you are ready to solidify this bond, you may thread the lock through a piercing. Once you have done so, snap it closed, with the knowledge that I alone hold the key to unlock you. Listen for and feel the click as you close the lock. That small sound is not the sound of prison so much as possibility. You are mine. I am breathless….”

i threaded the lock through my flesh and snapped it shut. That act bound me to Her with a force i had not imagined possible…and opened a whole world of possibility, of exploration, of fulfillment beyond my wildest expectations.

Every day since, my love for Her, my adoration, my devotion, have grown. Every day it seems impossible i could love Her more, and every day disproves that notion. And i struggle… to breathe.

so much to be grateful for. Better yet, I know that and appreciate that. But tonight, like last night, I find I can’t seem to get to sleep. Of all the worthless and mundane things in the world, I’m very worried about money. And I’m tired of worrying about that fruitlessly in my bed tonight, so I think I need to get the disjointed fears out of my head and just see them written somewhere so I can evaluate how bad things really are.

Shortest term: The Centre of Excellence that’s funding the six next months of my life just switched universities from Jockstrapstown to Hometown. This means a lot of headache for the administrator and no chance in hell they’d pay the first installment of my grant on January 1st, as they should.
How to deal with this: As I have no savings _cringe but have credit card bills to pay on the first, I’ll have to borrow money from my mother until the new university pays me my grant. Albeit a bit uncomfortable, this is not horrible, and I can pay her back within the month. So this is not really a problem, just an inconvenience. (Phew.)

Short term: after ending my proper job in July and during moving here, I have accumulated credit card debt that’s probably _{cringe 2: maybe it would be time to find out exactly} about the size of two months of my net salary, on two credit cards with c. 10,5 percent interest. And I really want to pay that off as quickly as possible. But trying to come up with a plan that would make it possible to pay the debts off in six months, as I had hoped, would leave me money for food, rent and the occasional toiletries, and nothing else. No going out with friends, no clothes, not to say anything of road trips; that is, actually utilizing my limited time on this continent to see and feel it as best as I can. I don’t want to be financially irresponsible. But I also want to say yes to life. And this might be a problem.
How to deal with this: Find out exactly how much I owe and make a plan that I can actually live with – I’ll probably just have to swallow my pride and pay off the debt in eight months instead of six. I hate it. But I’ll have to think of what my priorities in life are.

Longer term: The divorce, selling our apartment in Bohemia and comin back here for another year. I talked with friends back in Bohemia Christmas Day, and they mentioned that the housing market is almost dead there – no-one wants to buy. This might be circumvented by renting out the apartment – that would almost cover the mortgage, except… there’s a huge renovation coming in the autumn in the whole building; all the plumbing and central heating will be renewed. This will ultimately increase the value of the apartment, but it’ll be impossible to find lodgers who’d like to not have a toilet, shower or running water for a month or even two. And it’s financially completely impossible for me to keep paying both half of the mortgage and my own rent here in the USA during the next academic year. And this makes me very worried.

I thought I was becoming so adult and responsible, buying that apartment together with the husband four years ago. Now my once-beloved home and the perfect place for hosting literary salons and cocktail parties and murder mysteries just feels like a yoke that’s tied us together for all eternity. And this seems like a very sad thing to feel about one’s home. Then again, bah! An apartment is nothing but what one makes of it. I wanted, after all, to be a nomad and not a settler. I’ve had a couple of childhood homes and a teenage home and a student home and a living together with someone home and a married home. My next home will be as much a home and as loved.

How to deal with this: Ah well. I know I’ll have to consult my mother about this apartment thing sooner or later. She’s quite good with money and has plenty of experience in selling apartments. Except she doesn’t know about the impending divorce. So, perhaps my first step towards solving anything should be to gather up the courage to actually ask my husband to sign the divorce application. I can’t see anything beginning to be untangled in darkness and confusion.

There probably are solutions for everything: a bank loan, negotiating, patience, keeping a cool head, selling all furniture back home and splitting the money. I’m trying to remind myself that things are never as bad as they appear at 3 am. So maybe it’s time to try sleeping again.

I’ve been following meditations that first use rhythmic breathing. The visualization technique of being a tree has been amazing for me. Both inhaling first through leaves and down to roots, and then vise versa. Now my focus will be to utilize this breathing regularly in my day, for it is only then that I feel truly in the moment.

When I get nervous, I stop breathing… and then I get more nervous! I need to make each slow breath conscientiously….

yesterday i started practicing circular breathing – i practiced for about 10 minutes with a straw and a glass of water. right now i’m just blowing out my cheeks and then blowing out softly while breathing in and out, to get the feel of what’s supposed to happen later on.

it’s making me more aware of the way i breathe. i like it :)

<3