be honest to myself

Oh yeah, ... easy to plan hard to achieve!
My plan to be honest gets ruined right after confrontation with issues round my bf or help requests from my friends. Right then I am weak and soft as a butter and end up telling my self: “This time it’s worth it and it’s gotta work!!!” Well hell no!! Never is and never does [or verrry seldom].
And the issue of setting the priorities ???? That is a tricky one!! And to that additionally.. setting the limits of yes and no and worth-undergoing and no-gain-other-than-pain regarding relationships. I always get lost here. Maybe its that I always believed in the good in people or that they will pay back what I give. Dunno. Should I stop believing on that? Just let go and believe in what’s in me only? That’d be a bit lonely… Is that the price we pay for honesty? Outch!

I have trouble being honest with myself because I rarely know what motivates me, what matters to me. Although I have occasional moments of clarity or insight, I generally float through life, unaware of who I am or what I want/need. But how can I get where I want to be, or be the person I want to be if I spend most of my time pretending?