tell people when they upset me

Not one but two people, possibly as many as three, in the space of a little over an hour, started kicking me around psychologically. I assumed of course that I was being hypersensitive…or maybe they were just kind of clueless…but in RETROSPECT – it always comes in retrospect – I realized they’d deliberately been MEAN to me, and that is why I had left the event wanting to cry.

Why do people have to be so nasty? It’s not like I walk around hurting other people. If anything I walk around trying to make people feel better. It’s not like I behave that way expecting that it will be reciprocated, but frankly I would expect that someone who tries as hard as I do to help people would at least, for the most part, be ignored or left alone, not actively kicked in the face on a regular basis.

For all I’ve been through in my life, I still assume that people are probably going to behave themselves, and even when someone is nasty to me I usually assume either that they don’t mean anything by it or that they’re just joking with me. Many a time this has left me scratching my head, feeling bothered by something but not being able to say quite what’s wrong, until the situation is long over and I suddenly realize someone was being mean to me. Then I’m angry that I didn’t have time to figure it out and speak up.

Just about an hour ago I finally quit scratching my head about something a friend said to me over a week ago. It was an unusually tense and complex situation, which is why I didn’t figure out until just now that he got away with meanness toward me. In fact, up until now I kept feeling badly because I thought I deserved it because I’d accidentally hurt his feelings. Switching places, though, if he’d accidentally hurt my feelings I wouldn’t have deliberately been mean to punish him – that’s actually very childish! But now, nine days later, well, it’s water under the bridge, isn’t it? One more little scar.

I don’t know what I need to do to change this pattern, but I’m hoping just having the intention will help light something up in my brain or my heart or wherever the defect is that lets people use me as a punching bag without my even noticing until it’s way too late.

My boy gets upset with me when I don’t tell him. So I should. I also don’t want to be someone who takes it too far though.

I told them in the clearest way possible. I packed up and moved my shit out of their house. And it felt so good.

I am constantly being brushed off and called “sensitive” when I manage to bring up how I feel. LAME

Had a talk with my boss about something that was bothering me last night, or tried to anyway. It didn’t go as well as I had hoped, though.