be emotionally stable

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is my way forward on this.

You know, I think it is essential to my emotional health, to my emotional stability that I meditate daily. Also, before my emotional weave traps me, I think it is important to label my emotions. To identify them as frustration, loneliness, boredom or whatever.

The reason I get so enraged, still, re. SOB – it’s emotional processing etc (but my god, how not to have a friends, when I needed a friend) (which I point out as a justification: she was an absolute b**)(and is most definitely a loser). Anyway, I haven’t put it behind me at all. Not whatsoever. It is still real and live to me, bc I haven’t put it to rest. I haven’t asked myself, what would I do differently? How should I re-frame the experience to move past it?

So I vacillate back and forth. I’m feeling insecure, uncertain and suddenly I’m back to questioning my very existence.
For reference I found the following definition:
emotionally stability – (n) the state of an individual that enables him or her to have appropriate feelings about common experiences and act in a rational manner.
So not collapsing (morally at least) in complete dejection bc of loneliness/ minor knock back. A rational response. Consistency of mood and effect. Emotional stability

The reason I envy SOB? Bc despite her pointlessness, she believes in herself. She doesn’t think she’s s* and worthless. She has unflinching confidence in her place and worth in the world.

I am absolutely through with having a shaky bedrock of confidence or requiring validation to be sure I feel good about myself or to feel I have value. That’s it. No more plummeting esteem, or alternately soaring, or looking for somebody else, or life, to validate me. To finally, finally!, feel that I am good enough. No!

It starts here and now – my confidence, my base level of confidence, regardless of what is going on around me, is lifted. Permanently. I have a base level of self-belief and self-regard that will always see me through. I will never re-visit worthlessness. I am here now.

1. I want to be in control of my life.
2. I want my comfort zone to expand to be at ease with and myself with people I perceive as more glamorous than myself.

Clearly, I’ll come back to both of these shortly.

I want to connect to the things that make me strong. The things that connect w my essence and make me happy. That draw on her strengths.

I’ve always believed that when bad things happen to me its bc I’m bad. Or I deserved. My just desserts. But sometimes, sh** things happen. They just do. And how you deal w them is how you move on. Your life isn’t less than you want bc you don’t deserve better. God when I think of all the good things that came my way but I didn’t think I deserved.

It can’t be the choice bt failed and not failed. Good and terrible. Right and all wrong. IN or out. I’m ok. You’re ok. Is that my mantra now? If I don’t get it perfect, the world and my place in it hasn’t collapsed!