wait patiently

This is because I’m always complaining about what I wish I had. I dont trust God enough to provide for all of my needs. I keep asking Him for more and then trying to make it happen on my own when I think He isnt doing a ‘good enough’ job making me happy. But in reality, It’s not about me or what I want. It’s about Him and what He knows is best for me. I need to remember this.

I’m being secretive about what this is regarding, but I assure you that my patience has paid off, and it only took a week for him to come around. Okay there, I sort of let the cat out of the bag. It was the most difficult week I’ve had in awhile, but was so worth the end result.

to be ready to hear what he had to say without acting defensively

I decided that it was finally time to really talk things out.

I really understand his point of view. I don’t think we have two sides to this issue, maybe only one and quarter.

Can I make the changes that are necessary to save our relationship. I don’t know. I am willing to try and it looks like he is not being unreasonable.

it’s hard not to give into anger at this point
I have to admit
it is TEMPTING,
but what I really have to do
is keep tight to my sense of self-worth
and that this uncertainty will not last forever.

A part of me reminds myself
that I was surely worthy ten years ago
when he was a broke student looking for a grad school
and legitimacy.

so…
it is not I who has changed.
(well, not much)
I have to remember that!

I said, “Is there no hope?”

He said, “There is hope”

My heart burst, but bled,
“Hope is a thing with feathers,” I thought

find yourself somewehre soft
and cop a squat!

Last night some of my questions were answered
and I found out
that there is HOPE

even though it’s VERY hard

still no call or email or analog letter or smoke signals or ANYTHING.

One of the way I calm my nerves is by writing a letter I will never send, but at least I get those feelings down on paper and don’t have to feel them over and over and over.

I have to wait
I have to be patient
I have to work and keep busy
and not let my mind spin ahead of what is

I promised my mom that I wouldn’t do anything for ten days
about this problem
and you know, I can accept this time of my life
there is alot of unknows
but it gives me a strange energy

...but it’s not easy
although I can be relatively patient in some areas of my life, this is a particularily hard one.

I faltered a little on Tuesday….
but I have managed to stay pretty strong.

The therapy and group and my support system
have been very helpful…and going back to work, has helped
believe it or not!