stop being so bitter

I truly don’t know what’s wrong with me; maybe i’m depressed. I’m 19 years old and i’ve been told and i know myself that i act like a bitter 50 year old person. All my teen years instead of being sweet years have been bitter. And i want to stop this cycle. I gripe and snap at people for the smallest things. I’m tired of this lifestyle because it’s no life. I’m fat, have bad acne and have never had a boyfriend, either. In consequence that has made me very bitter, has impacted my self-esteem and self-confidence. My world honestly right now is upside down.

I am 24 and last two years have been really bitter. Thats the time I have started working,I really didnt like the job. I have always been a very calm,even tempered and helpful person. I have quit now and hope things become better.

I’ve noticed over the last couple of years the bittnerness slowly creeping up on me. I finally realized this morning that it is through creeping and has taken up residence. I yelled at my 8 year old daughter this morning before school and made her cry. There was really no need to do that. Sure, she had all her clothes picked out last night, gets up on time, gets dressed and says “Oh wait, we have art, I can’t wear new clothes”. So I tell her to get some of her summer shorts and a nice shirt and her rainbows. Twenty minutes later (time to go) she comes out with her favorite dance pants, dirty of course, and a dressy shirt…no shoes, hair not brushed…I yelled at her for THAT. How stupid. All I had to do was calmly tell her to change and help her find clothes…I did help her find clothes, but berated her the whole time…My dad was mean to me ALL the time when I was younger. He was constantly on my case about something, he was abusive in every way, and constantly told me I’d be good for nothing, I was stupid, etc…The fact was, I was, and always have been an Honor Student…I’m in college now, and have been on the President’s List the whole time, I’m on the National Dean’s List, etc…I’m working on a Master’s, with a 4.0 average, so apparently, I’m not stupid, and some day, I will amount to something. My dad fell ill two years ago…the first semester I went back to school…I was his primary caretaker, because my mom suddenly was the only one working, and as a teacher, couldn’t miss more than 20 days of work…so…I was taking care of him, a baby who had just had open heart, as well as my two other children. I think I became angrier at him for being so nice to me and appreciating me at the end…when he could’ve been nice to me all my life. I know, I know…at least I got the opportunity to come to some kind of better relatinoship with him…BUT, I still, to this day, have mixed emotions about how I feel about his death. I think this is what caused the bitterness to finally set it. My mother won’t talk about it…she’s a “it’s done and over” kinda gal, and my husband practically jumped for joy…so…I don’t really have anyone to talk to who understands, because there isn’t anyone else, really, with whom I am willing to share what I went through. I guess that is part of the problem, too…ugh. I don’t know.

I am a passive agressive person… Read my entry befor this one for the great news… I wish everyone luck with thier goals in life… thanks for cheering me on…

My mother bought a book called Overcoming Passive Aggression by Tim Murphy, PhD and Loriann Hoff Oberlin…. With my father acting in this way it has caused me to grow up with it… I could see him as being passive aggressive, but I thought I was not. Since I did not have all the symptoms as he has I thought I was not this way… By reading this book I have come to realize my ways… It is a major eyeopener…. I will mark this as complete since I have found the true reason and will work the steps in the book to overcome being passive aggressive… The cool thing is My passive aggressiveness has a lot to do with most of my goals on here… Ever since I have read most of this book I have actually come to a place of peace in my mind…. if anyone you know is suffering from this check out this book it has been a TRUE helper for me…

I have been doing ok with this goal/challenge… Sometimes it is really hard to stay up… when it feels like everyone is beating you down… At least my boyfriend has always been in my corner… I am truly greatful for him… More than he will ever know… It is because of him that I have tried to change these things in my life… I am doing it for myself, but it is bc of his “tude” towards life that has caused me to recognize the things I want to change and he is in my corner to help keep me motivated so I will succeed…

Evey since I have decided to become a better person, it is like my patience has been truly tested… which is ok, it will only make me stronger. it might just be that i have been noticing it more because i am trying to change my old behaviors… who knows. the only thing i can keep doing is push for the positive of the future….

I was doing so well until I lost my keys… I was trying to be nice and take my sister in law somwhere she needed to go… No one had a house key… could not just leave the door unlocked. She had already promised her children McDonalds… So they were whinning about that… I was trying to find my keys so I could still take everyone where they needed to go… My boyfriend was nice enough to print something off that she needed.. we left him hanging for a few hours… still couldn’t find my keys so i left everyone here and went to Ben’s with my spare car key… With all the children whinning because they cannot get McDonalds… almost set me over the edge…. I was trying to keep my cool… I think I did fairly well considering how I truly felt inside….

I almost lost my cool… I was locked out of my house.. but I took a deep breath and blew it off of my shoulders… Wow I can’t say that I have ever really done that before.. I did not allow it to ruin my day or put a negative affect on my whole expierence…. I think I am doing really well… so far at least… I will get to see my boyfriend for the first time since our spat… hopefully he enjoys the new me I am becoming..

i have actually not been bitter since I started this thing online… I have felt it try to sneak up on me… but i was already in the right state of mind to put it to rest… I am becoming whom I want to be a lot faster than I ever figured possible… I just have to stick with it for awhile to make sure it has become one of my GOOD habits…