’’I can deal with fate but not the little things.’’ 15 months ago

As I sit here, with my laptop on my lap and my son cuddled beside me in bed (we’re having a sleep over with extra pillows and fluffy covers), he asked me what Goal #17 meant. This goal.

And so I explained it… and then he said, “Mom you did that” and then he paused and turned to me and nodded as he added, “by being a great mother.”

So there we have it.. because my son said so :)

Cheers everyone! 17 months ago

I would swear I had the goal «be more confident» on my list, nevertheless these recent small experiences fit perfectly in this goal (that I have to take as true ruler of my life).
These last 24 hours were made of very very small accomplishments, but they show a significant change in how I behave with the Other and with myself. This should also link to my goal ‘do things I normally wouldn’t if I had to do it alone’.

I felt so confident from the moment I left home yesterday to take care of some things and arrive this afternoon, I am not recognizing myself…and as you’ll read (if you want to continue bored reading this text :D) these are really really small and basic things (that I normally wouldn’t do…)

I had to go to the city where I study by myself to pay rents and receive the key of the apartment, I just knew at about 12:35 and the only option available was to go by bus at 13:15…40minutes to pack, decide whether I would sleep there that night (since I had to be there on Friday too), to dress, to try to make something with my hair, leave the house like something close to clean (in appearance, at least) and save 10 minutes to go to the bus station. Those minutes were a rush. A little detail ruined those minutes but I honestly simply ignored it, kept my mind clean and optimistic and thought: each person does what she/he thinks it’s better, I won’t judge it, I can’t force the others to act according what I think it’s better but I won’t regret my actions when I know they are the correct ones. People can’t ignore their responsibilities and just put them on my back. I’ll do them because they don’t require great effort on my part, in this particular case, and selfishness is not in me, but they’re still others responsibilities. This is just a note, not important enough to be mentioned in detail, but relevant for adding me a bigger sense of responsibility and the feeling: yeah, I’m truly by myself on this one. (+1 for me in the end, I just gained positive experience :D)

After this troubled minutes and hours later (after a horrible and long trip – I get to be sick when using the bus and it insists in using roads with too many curves, you are seeing the picture, but actually it went all very controlled.), after all that I arrived where I was supposed to. By this time I was already starving since I hadn’t eaten a thing (I had to run to be on time, food was secondary). I went directly to what will be my house this year (hope to call it a home someday…), solve the things with he owner of the apartment, but she and her husband stayed there for a few more hours doing DIY work (according to Google translator, please correct my ignorance, I would simply called it ‘bricolage’). So I stayed there too, starving…at least I had sure I had a place to sleep that night and wasn’t necessary to go back to my hometown (thank you!) and come back again on Friday morning.

So, when they finally left it was too late to walk through the city looking for something to grab and go, it was already dark and raining like hell (September’s first days are often like that). There is a sort of pastry/warm meals/kind of thing in the same street as the house so I thought I’d go in, have a sit a enjoy a meal, which is a giant step (I’d never go to a public space, with real people, by myself to do a thing that requires time – eating, I’d rather starve, that’s for sure…). So it’s really strange how that idea came up to me so naturally and with not a single sign of doubt I would really go in and enjoy a meal (anything would please me at that moment), and stay there alone. I didn’t feel anything close to a complex. Strange. And I repeat I’d rather starve (which is a really stupid form of living, by the way. Ok, maybe I would go, but I’d feel really awkward and alone. And in that moment that idea felt such a normal-thing-to-do).
Confidence was still my faithful company.

The best thing (I didn’t laugh), when I arrived there, it was already closed… ahah funny, right? So I went home and thought of the alternatives: there were none. It was too late to walk alone, and there wasn’t anything close. Another funny thing: I could have called for food, I just remember it now…that would have solved my problems, right? What a shame! How embarrassing is that? Is this a reason for me to be smiling right now? I’ll pretend this episode never happened ;P
Fortunately, by that time, I wasn’t so hungry, that’s probably the reason I didn’t bother much about food. So, I was alone in the house (that’s still devoid of any kind of things, I will just move this week), fortunately my faithful laptop was with me, so I decided to watch a movie. My choice? The Pianist. I thought I could relate to it, I am ashamed of even think it. Which is, from now on, one of my favorite movies, I wouldn’t swap being there alone, in an empty house, having my own free reactions, that was so liberating (and I have all days and nights to be alone in my own home, there’s no one there most of the time, what I mean is that I was really in the ‘momentum’).

By the time I woke up my phone was already dead, so I hadn’t a clue what time it was, it was 6am, I saw it in my pc. Since my phone had no battery, I couldn’t do what I went for on Friday, I was supposed to meet two Erasmus students to help them in their new country. So I decided to go back home (that night spent there was unnecessary, in the end). I’d catch the 13 o’clock bus. So, I had the greatest breakfast in that night-before-closed-pastry, and it tasted deliciously! I went there really calm and zen and confident, ordered my breakfast, sat down reading the newspaper and spent there all the time I wanted, not rushing myself to get out of there (since I was alone), in the middle time, I even strike up a conversation with the employee and gave her a small tip (I’ve never done it before).

I took my umbrella with me and went by feet to the bus station (I can say it’s far), really enjoying the view, the people, and even the weather, it was a really nice walk. I stopped in a bookshop to buy a little gift to a cousin (with not even a once time thought about going in or not, I hate to enter in shops so small with no people where the employee is always looking at us, but actually it was nice and friendly).
I finally arrived to the bus station and had about 2 hours before my bus. I sat there first just looking around, observing people, things, then I pulled out a book I’m reading (about a Portuguese journalist and her personal travels to places like Nepal, Patagonia, Alps trekkings,…) When I got bored I started a conversation with an old couple sitting next to me, I first just wanted to know the hours but when the man said his watch was by the French hour, I don’t know, my brain just clicked and I saw there an opportunity, which is not typical at all, I prefer my space and silence to an easy talk.

End of boring story!

My point: confidence is really the key to have a good day, to see things from other perspectives, to walk through the world knowing that we’re alive and part of the world. These really minimal events are really nothing but made the difference between just one more day or a day that can sit me down to write about it. These things show me the beginning of a new me, the person I want to be. And I have no doubt I can achieve everything I know I’m capable of just by increasing my confidence.
I don’t have many problems with big events (at least I know how to overcome them), but these kind of small things are really a bug for me, so I have no doubt if I can be better at them, I’ll be a better person.
And if I can transform myself in a confident person, I’ll be in the front seat to lead my life.

«Anything with confidence gives you that much of an edge over the others.» 20 months ago