Hi, lifesearcher.
I read your post and couldn’t pass it up without responding. You described me, almost completely. I know the pain and disgust you are feeling. I hope you’ll know you are NOT alone, and that you might find some peace in knowing it.
I can pinpoint exactly when my life changed…within a span of just a few hours. I’ll explain it, as fantastic as it may seem to you, and hopefully it might help you too.
Firstly, I also relate with what you said about your mother and her condition—and sticking by her through it, as she did for you. That is, I’m sure out of the love you have for her…and right away I know a lot about you. My Mom is handicapped and has been since before I was even born. Life growing up in my household was very different than anyone I knew. I was always extremely protective of her and would do anything to make her life a little brighter. That, my friend, is exactly what it is all about…it’s all about love. Don’t ever allow anyone else to convince you otherwise. You’re already right where you should be—you just don’t quite realize it yet. For me, taking care of my Mom was the very foundation of what I now know to be the ultimate truth and purpose for life. Looking back, I was in training all along and didn’t have a clue.
The night my life changed I was in a gigantic night club in Miami, enjoying the music (I’m a huge music lover) and the crowd…and dancing my ass off. I was just so…happy to be alive and utterly and eternally grateful for everything I had going for me in my life. I was filled with thoughts of love, which made me dance even harder. I didn’t think about it at all. It just happened naturally.
As I danced (with my eyes closed, to better focus on the music and my thoughts) and thought of all the love I had inside me for everyone who’d loved me in return, something began happening. The more I thought about love, the happier I got. The happier I got, the more love I felt. This escalated higher and higher over a period of perhaps an hour or so. As this went on I felt a vibration grow and grow inside me. I feel it again now, just typing this. The happier I became, the more intense the vibrations grew. I shook all over, like you might when you are just freezing cold…but I was really hot as hell from all the heavy dancing.
I was so elated that I daringly jumped up on some pedestal located on the edge of the dance floor to continue dancing. While dancing, every now and then I’d open my eyes and look out over the crowd. When I first did, I noticed people staring. I got uncomfortable with that and closed my eyes again, like going back to some safe place free of low self-esteem. A little later I opened my eyes again…there they were, staring again. I noticed something though. They weren’t staring strangely at me, like I was some freak. There were probably some 50 – 100 people all looking at me…and they all had the same look on their faces. The look was something like a certain longing, mixed with envy. It was a very sad but hopeful look. I closed my eyes again, thinking maybe I was just loosing my marbles with the immense joy I was feeling. A few minutes later I peeked again. The same look was there, only this time even more people were staring. They were ultimately happy for me, somehow. I could see it as clear as anything…but why?? I was confused…very confused. I’d never ever seen nor felt anything so intense before. I decided to just shut my eyes again and go back to that place in my mind where I was before I became focused on all that confusion. I striped my thoughts of anything negative… forced the confusion out… refocused on the wonderful loving thoughts I’d been having… and continued dancing.
Once I shut my eyes again, I realized I had “come down” a bit, not quite vibrating as much as I was before I got confused from all those eyeballs on me. As I pushed the bad thoughts out and let the good ones back in, I began vibrating faster. After some time I realized then that I was also getting…lighter? I was also dancing harder than ever and my steps were more deliberate and precise. I realized that I was dancing complicated steps and rhythms that I had no idea I even knew, like it wasn’t me dancing at all. The strange realization only added to my happiness, further pushing me into even deeper thoughts of love.
Up I went, higher and higher and getting lighter and lighter too. An hour or so had passed by this time when other things began to happen. Suddenly I realized quite perfectly that, if I got any higher or lighter, I was going to just float up and away! I was a little scared and intrigued, a lot like the feeling just before the very first orgasm of your life. It’s scary…but you gotta go for broke. I kept going, thinking bigger and dancing harder. I did begin to lift…I would swear to it on my mother’s life. I suddenly began to understand things…some very deep questions, like yours about “the real meaning of life and how to live it”. The answers came flooding in like a tsunami. It was all I could do to keep from falling to my knees in tears but I still I kept going. I saw then what I can only describe as heaven, the other side, the universe even. The beauty…I can never ever describe it. It was so simply and perfectly gorgeous. I think my heart stopped. Things became very calm and still in my mind, though I was still dancing like a fiend. So SO strange…so SO incredible. About then, a new realization came to me: I was about to die.
Die? I couldn’t! What about my Mom? What about everyone I’d want to say goodbye to? What about what the headlines would certainly read, “Young Man Dies on Dance floor at Miami Rave” ?? My loved ones would think I overdosed or something and would feel huge sadness. They would never understand what really happened and how wonderful it truly was…
Thinking about all this, I realized the vibration had decreased and I was getting heavier—and fast. I had let thoughts of fear in. I quickly realized that thoughts of fear and love could never exist in the same space together. I pushed out the negative thoughts again. I was only able to again push them out after realizing some very hard truths…
We are ultimately on our own paths in life. Those we love are there to help and support us and we do for them in return…but ultimately, no one can walk our path for ever. I knew then what love really was and how each and every one of us is perfectly connected to it. We all have our own obstacles that are put in place intentionally to test our faith. Some of my obstacles were the negative thoughts I was having. I had to believe that the love I was sensing is the absolute highest power. I had to believe that no matter the outcome, we would all reunite together in that place of love one day. There would be pain for people when I was gone but it would only be temporary. I realized it was my time then, and that I couldn’t refuse to go. Somehow it felt like refusing to go would be like blatantly spitting in the face of God or the Creator.
My eyes were still closed. I didn’t dare open them for fear I’d drop again like a stone. Just then, as I began ascending to what I then knew was the ultimate destination, there was a burst of light…as bright as facing the sun with your eyes closed. At the same exact second the whole massive crowed roared and cheered. It was all just too surreal. I was going… I knew it but could barely grasp it. I wasn’t afraid in the least. I was so very excited!
That’s when I realized there was a tug on my pant leg. I tried to ignore it but it pulled again…and then one more time. I opened my eyes and looked down, to see the friend I had gone with that night telling me it was time to go. Not on your life! I tried to appease him, saying, “Ok…just 5 more minutes”. I closed my eyes and tried to refocus. He pulled my pant leg again. I couldn’t get the focus back. The vibration was leaving…and I got as heavy as a lead brick. He again said it was time to go and motioned me to follow him. I climbed down off the cube I was on and trailed behind him through the crowd. I was…beyond disappointed. I cried like a baby and was glad he was up ahead, unable to see me as he pushed through the ocean of people. It was the worst heart break I had ever experienced. I was so crushed. I was a blubbering zombie, barely able to walk.
Later the next day I thought of all that had happened. I remembered the lights and how they flashed at precisely the moment I knew I was dying. The lights were two enormous walls of lights on either side of the dance floor. Each wall must have had 300 fluorescent bulbs in each. No wonder it looked as bright as the sun! I was talking to my friend about those lights and he said he’d heard someone say that the stage techs couldn’t figure out why the lights went on… that it was not intended. They couldn’t get them shut off and as a result, everyone thought the club was closing and began leaving early. In reality, there was another hour or so left.
I was utterly crushed then. I knew if those lights hadn’t come on, that I would have gone off…to exist in that place I saw that night that was so indescribably beautiful.
Listen, this all must seem whacked to anyone reading…but this was nearly 10 years ago. It changed me completely and has tormented me, to the point where I could no longer stand the pain and tried to take my life. That obviously didn’t work and I did manage to accept what I could not change and pull myself back up on my feet. What has NOT changed is my absolution of what happened that night, that the answers I had given to me were not false. I have searched high and low to see if the ideas that came to me that night could be disproved. Not a shred of inconsistency to be found out there…in fact, there is nothing but proof that it was all very real and that many MANY others have had the same exact experience, just usually not while dancing in a night club.
When you step into such a euphoric state of love, practically putting one foot through the pearly gates, and then forced back into this reality of crime and greed and abhorrent corruption, you nearly self-destruct. It’s more than the soul can bear. I don’t believe I was ever supposed to experience what I did that night. At least, not while still on this plane. I can’t unlearn it though. The longing for it is very hard but living a life that is in absolute conflict with the laws of it is no longer an option. IT is love.
I couldn’t agree with you more, lifesearcher…
It is NOT you that you can’t stand, but the absence of love in this society and your inherent desire to simply live lovingly. That is your fight… your battle… your obstacle that causes you agony. It is your test and the universe is watching to see your response. I don’t think I know it all by any stretch, but I sense that death out of depression or despair is not desirable. I don’t think we would burn in the eternal flames of damnation… but I doubt that giving up will get us into that blissful heaven-like place, either.
I realize I’ll never be well with society, because it can not change in my lifetime, if ever at all. That river simply runs too deep. This is why I am taking off to live in the wild. If I can sustain myself out there and get away from that which I would have to call “evil”, then I will be able to reconnect to that love. If so, I know I will be able to appreciate life again. If I am wrong, well… since I’m no longer afraid of death, what’s the worst that can happen?
I’m sorry for the novel here. I had to share this with you. Something in your post is so…compelling. I’d never write all this in some forum, unless there was hope it could help someone like you to find some comfort and ease the burden a little, at least.
My biggest love to you, lifesearcher. I hope you find the peace you so desperately are looking for…
With much respect—
John
