pointed out that I’m a hypochondriac.

It hurts…but then I thought it may be true. 5 years ago

My shoulder is still making me feel hindered, but not as much as before. I’m about to start running again… as the weather begins to warm up some. I’m also going to start doing lower body workouts in my room at home. I don’t want to do anything to mess up my shoulder more or to aggravate it, if it really could be bad to put pressure on it. So that’s why I’m just going to stick with a lower body workout for now. I think becoming more physically active could only help me to feel better, to feel more healthy and to focus more on the health of my body than not. I know I’ll start to feel better overall because of working out.. as I always have in the past. 7 years ago

That visit to the doctor has left my shoulder feeling worse. From all the pulling and tugging he did on it. But he never actually looked at it. Or really examined it. He did get an x-ray. But besides that, all he did was move my arm in different directions and ask how my shoulder felt when he did. I wanted him to really look at it, but I wasn’t about to throw my shirt off in front of a man, even if he is a doctor.. unless he had asked. He kind of spoke for me, saying that it felt like my shoulder would slip out of place when I move it, which IS the truth, and I agreed. But I should have told him that that’s not the only time my shoulder feels out of place. It ALWAYS feels like it’s not supported and is hanging, weighted down.

I had trouble really telling him everything because the whole time I was thinking about how my mom had called me a hypochondriac and it felt awful. I didn’t want to go into too much detail of how I truly felt because I was afraid he’d also label me a hypochondriac and not take my situation as seriously. I wish I could go back and redo that appointment, because it DID cost money, but it’s too late now. Living at home, I can feel my mom’s negativity looming over me.

I still am not really SURE if I am actually a hypochondriac or not. He did say I had a subluxated shoulder.. so I’m not completely imagining things. My mother called me one and ever since I wonder if she’s right. Though my mother does tend to say off-the-wall, no so true things a lot.

I know that my shoulder problem isn’t going away. I still feel it. It’s frustrating, it’s my left shoulder and I’m left-handed, so that’s not helpful either.. it’s actually pretty discouraging. I want to talk to someone about getting surgery on it. It will probably be a few years before I can do that though, because I’m not done with college and on my own yet. As long as I’m attached to my mother in any way, it’s going to be difficult to say and do the things that I really want to – completely. She’s not very supportive and she’ll drag me down about the whole thing.

For now, I have to get myself motivated to start working out again, even with the shoulder problem. I’ll just work on my lower body mostly. And do very light stuff up top, in case that could further aggravate my shoulder. I hate working half my body and not the other half. And I’m sick of sleeping on my back every night too. It’s the only way I can feel all that comfortable. I can’t let my shoulder problem stop me – whether it’s all in my head or it’s real. 7 years ago

Here I am. Admitting that I may very well be one. I’ve never discussed this with anyone. I’m so ashamed of it being a possibility, I can’t even discuss it in another message board because I’ve been there too long and too many people ONLINE have talked to me through it. That’s how ashamed I am. Soon.. I will have gotten to know people here and I will shrink down and run away. I want to get surgery on my shoulder. I went tonight and had it looked at by a physician. He said it’s a slight sublux or instability. That the tendons have been stretched and are more loose and that’s the reason it feels like my shoulder is sliding around. With therapy, it can all get better. That’s not what I wanted to hear. That’s not how I view it. I don’t view it as life-threatening or serious, but I view it as something that could become serious if I don’t get a surgery now. Shifting my collar bone and shoulder back up to where it was before.. and then adjusting the ball of my shoulder to fit the snug way it did before. That’s what I feel and that’s what I see… but am I wrong to? Is it too extreme? Even if it is.. I won’t quit feeling this way.

If I DO have hypochondria, I know how this developed and when. The first time I felt symptoms, I thought I was pregnant and began to freak out. Then I thought that maybe it’s just a cyst on my ovary. See, I wasn’t having my period when I was supposed to and one of my ovaries was aching. This resulted from someone I loved leaving me. We did things we shouldn’t and then he dropped me. Ever since I think my whole entire being, my whole body has felt out of whack. At least that’s a theory, unless the things I’ve felt were true. We didn’t even have sex and I thought I was pregnant. We did other stuff, but I was paranoid about some sperm somehow seeping through anyway. Highly highly unlikely. My body felt like it was falling apart after I did those things with him and he then gave me up… the first time I’d touched a man like that. And the only time since. That was almost three years ago and I’m now 22. If I felt lustful feelings toward him later on, after he’d dropped me, if I thought of him the way I once did, my body hurt, my body felt physically rejected and I didn’t want to feel those feelings for him that I naturally did… because it couldn’t happen anymore. My body felt like it was physically falling apart. I’m crying right now. He took something away from me that I wonder if I will ever regain. He has damaged me. Now I live with these problems. 7 years ago