I realize that my life has been filled with grief, in one form or another. And I don’t deal with it well. I swallow the feelings and “be strong”. Not really because of pressure to appear strong and together. But because feeling pain sucks. And what happens is I keep swallowing and trying to get the thick knot out of my throat and eventually I choke. I can’t breathe and I panic. That is what is happening now. I’m not working through the stages and I’m stuck in denial. Sometimes I fake myself into thinking I’ve fast forwarded into acceptance, but not really. Just bargaining with myself that if I can make it through this month or this situation, then I will sit down with my therapist and really talk about what is bothering me. But it never happens. So now I’m here. Again. In denial about what is happening to me and why I am making myself so crazy. And in even bigger denial thinking that no one notices. 2 years ago
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