see a therapist

I emailed a therapist last night. She wrote me back, but I haven’t replied yet. Wah. I feel like this is moving way too fast.

I contacted a place for more information a couple of months ago, and a therapist returned my call, but I never followed through. I called her back last week and we’ve been playing phone tag, but she finally got ahold of me today and I have an appointment for my assessment in one week! Just knowing that makes me feel that much better, honestly. It’s like knowing that things will for sure start to improve.

I want to remember the key things to tell her – the comment my dad made about me never really being happy for a long while, my issues with indecisiveness (on both large and small scale), cycles of “depression,” constant crying, how I’m dependent on my boyfriend and others, how my friends saw a change in me about 2 years ago when my grandpa got sick/died and that it’s been one thing after another since then (quitting school, parents’ divorce, boyfriend’s father’s death, etc.), that I can’t stay in one place for long, etc etc etc. I’m a mess :-P

I hope I find what I’m looking for – not answers, but a road to a better me and a better life.

My only concern with this place is insurance/cost. I happen to have the only insurance they accept, but I don’t know that my plan allows for any mental health services. With my insurance, each session is $150 (ouch!), but I may only have to pay a deductable or a copay… I need to investigate my coverage ASAP.

But I really hope money doesn’t stand in my way – this is one of the big things I want to work on/”accomplish” before moving back to MI (and starting the life I truly want to live).

I don’t know why I keep putting this off. I’m only getting worse. I woke up this morning feeling content, but immediately realizing that I didn’t go to bed content, and then all of the bad stuff flooded in. I felt nauseous and almost started to cry. What a way to start my day.

I need to dig out the number of the doctor who returned my call from awhile back.

I’m fucking miserable. I want to crawl back into bed and stay there until it all goes away.

So expensive!

soon. very soon.

not yet

today was the first day i’ve ever seen a therapist in my life. as soon as i sat down in her office i started crying. i was just anxious and nervous about the whole thing, i’m not really sure why i did. but it pretty much lasted the whole hour i was there. but it felt good afterwards. i kind of can’t wait to go back next week. it’s like there’s a tiny light at the end of the tunnel now.

Obviously I’m a mess.

i’ve taken the first step. i actually went today and set up an apointment to meet with someone. tuesday june 10th at 2 o’clock.

i’ve got to do this for myself…i’ve finally realized that i really do need help. my anxiety is through the roof and effects my mood and depression….and then my depression causes anxiety, with a bunch of other crap thrown in the mix. it’s a vicious circle.

i just don’t feel like myself, whoever that may be..but i know it’s not this person i’m becoming. i need someone to talk to that can give me professional guidence. i want to stop watching my life go by, but actually start participating in it.