deal with my issues

while being much better understood
and most certainly are a lesser problem
unfortunately
rear their ugly head from time to time…

I have a firmer control over the release of
the destructive forces.

And unfortunately
when my anger is released, it is directed at others
and not at myself
as many do.

perhaps it would be less harmful
to direct these laser
beams at myself…

Well, it turns out that giving her the space of not talking was a bad idea… She reacted badly to that and took it very wrongly. Less than 24 hours later we had disagreed about it, then agreed to not do it lol.

Things are going well-ish.

She got back to Adelaide today and I went and saw her briefly. It was awkward a bit, but I must admit it was a lot easier than I had expected it to be. Seeing her was really good… I’ve missed her heaps. Even if she is no longer my partner, and I would do almost anything to change it, I am glad to have such a good friend, and being around her again made me feel good.

Beyond that, I’m coasting along nicely. I’m not going to pretend like any of the issues are fixed… that takes time. A lot of time… but I am doing things to aid it – I’ve taken up level design again (a renewed hobby), I’m making efforts at work to put myself in a better situation as far as my job goes, I’m being more careful with my money, I’m making efforts to see friends more, I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone in an effort to increase my confidence, etc.

Like I said, it will take a long time, but already I feel a lot better about myself… I’m starting to get some self-respect and self-esteem. I’m starting to like me. In some ways, I’ve never been more upset, but in others I’ve never been happier. It still varies a lot, and it will for ages, but I’m confident I’ve made some steps int he right direction. I’m really proud of myself =)

Well… thing’s are going okay… but that doesn’t mean I’m okay all of the time. Since Annie left me I’ve been really… for lack of a better term… skitzophrenic. One day I can be really happy that she’s made the decision with our friendship in mind, the next I can be considering driving my car off a cliff just because it seems like that would be easier. The two extremes are slowing down a bit and most of the time its a fairly tame reaction regardless of what polarity it subscribes to, but sometimes there’s an outlier that has failed to be truncated.

I’m starting to consider that for her, maintaining any relationship with myself may cause issues likely to retard any self-improvement she is endeavouring to accomplish. I can’t do what I consider ‘the right thing’ and leave her be entirely, however I’m not entirely certain that would be the right thing. I don’t think it would be a positive move for either of us… What I will attempt is to nullify the contact between us somewhat… I shall allow her time to collect her thoughts without my incessant calling upon her, regardless of the fact that I need my best friend most now.

So today I have taken another step forward I feel… I’ve left her a comment on her blog letting her know that I wont bother her much, but that it is for her own space not mine. So hopefully she realises this means that should the need of me arise, she can give me a call… I’ll be waiting next to the phone just in case. But that I want to allow her a choice either way, in case my behaviours of late are impacting her.

All in all today sucks. But it’s still a move in the correct direction. I’m still doing something – and THAT is above and beyond doing nothing.

I read my lyrics/poetry to my best friend. They are about someone from my past who hurt me a lot (some of them anyways) and I think reading them out aloud to someone has started a little bit of the healing process I never did back when they hurt me. It actually felt really good to read them to her. I’m not acting like this is everything fixed – but it did feel good and I’m confident it’s gonna help me get off on the right start.

Recent events have made me realise a few things… well more than a few. Among them are the following:

- In some ways, I let people walk all over me
- I get caught up on little things far too much when I’m passionate
- I’m not as tolerant of other people’s views as I once was
- My self esteem is lower than ever
- I’m not healthy -> both physically and mentally

If I achieve no other goal on my 43things list, but am able to deal with even one or two of these issues, I will come out of it a better person and happier with life I believe. Sounds stupid? Oh well, it’s important to me and I’m going to strive for it.

From my childhood, my experiences, my little detours to try and avoid them…

Ain’t it fun when you’re always on the run
Ain’t it fun when your friends despise what you become
Ain’t it fun when you get so high
Well… that you, you just can’t come
Ain’t it fun when you know that you gonna die young
It’s such fun
Good fun
Such fun
Such fun
Aah such fun
Such fun
Such fun aah
Yeah fun,
Just fun
Such…
Ain’t it fun when you taking care of number one
Ain’t it fun when you feel like you just gotta get a gun
Ain’t it fun when you just can’t seem to find your tongue
Cause you stuck it too deep into something that really stung
It’s such fun, ah
Well, so good to me, they spit right in my face
I didn’t even feel it
It was such a disgrace
I punched my fist right through the glass
I didn’t even feel it
It happened so fast
Such fun
Such fun
Such fun
Ah such fun
Such fun
Such fun
Ah such fun
Ain’t it fun when you tell her she’s just a cunt
Ain’t it fun when you she splits you and leaves you on the bum
Well, ain’t it fun when you’ve broken up every band that you’ve ever begun
Ain’t it fun when you know that you’re gonna die young
It’s such fun
Such fun [x 13]

cause hurt beyond belief to those they are directed at…

irrationality fueled by anger…

And ultimately the realization that a great wrong was committed…again

Maybe the last 10 hours were not so good…unless I learn something from them...

out of control…

I’m serious

I haven’t been able to think straight at times…

Sat down and talked with 2 of my friends…they calmed me down by mentioning all the negatives as compared to the few positives…

Thank God for friends…I was making stupid mistakes at work…things I NEVER do…

to download the text messages from my cell phone…I am going to post the response to some proof of what a monster I can be when I get mad…

I am like someone possessed…and it sucks…

I have conquered my jealousy and possessiveness issues…however, my anger that I try so hard to keep walled off is another matter…

Something that defies any attempt to water down once the right formula brings it to a boil…:(