start my own family

I’m retiring this goal for now, because I am simply not ready to work at having another baby yet. I’ll be revisiting this idea often.

2 maybe 3 kids

I really want to start my family, but it’s all dreaming and research right now, and will be for anywhere from six months to a year, since I’m healing from a classical c-section. I’ve been doing a lot of reading online about possible reasons that I lost my first pregnancy and what I can do about it the next time around. And I’m going to take a more pro-active approach in choosing the “right”, meaning vigilant,doctor, instead of blindly trusting everything they tell me. I want to have a baby so badly that I’m going to do everything it takes to protect the next one. I couldn’t bare it if something like this happened again.

I hate being a downer, but things just look so dark for us right now. Like we lost our baby, and I’m depressed, pessimistic and grieving, and without a job. Though they reassured him, my husband is uncertain about his job, because so many people in his department have been let go without warning. My husband worries about me too, how I’m coping with our loss. And I’m powerless to reassure him.

I so want things to be good again, but I’m having trouble seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. Or regarding our futures or our future family. Often I ask myself what we did to deserve all this darkness in our lives? Everyone else seems to be doing all right.

I never thought of myself as a “children” person, and neither did my husband. We’d always lived our lives a bit selfishly, indulging in the pleasures of food and travel and spur of the moment outings. In the evenings, we’d read our books and magazines, laugh with each other, cook delicious meals, enjoy them with wine, and watch TV. Sounds perfect, right? Well, it was.

Till we lost our son last week to premature labor and an emergency C-section. I had never hurt so badly or endured so much pain in my life. The physical was bad enough, but the emotional was a thousand times worse. We were so looking forward to having our baby home with us. But even so, we were naive and a bit selfishly focused on things that I see don’t matter anymore. Like the loss of our freedom to come and go, finances, and such things. But his loss made us see how much we both do want a family of our own. Our first-born will always be missing, but his death made us see what true love really is.

So I pray, ironically, since I’m spiritual but far from being religious, that one day soon, we will have a family of our own and that things will be happy again.