overcome my addictions

Here’s a new twist.
I have work to keep myself from getting hooked on pain killers again, now I’m on Vicodin. I hate it, BUT I don’t. When the high hits just right, when I don’t have the crappy side-effects I’m dealing with right now, I feel like I’m on cloud nine and I love it. Right now I feel sick and can’t wait to get off this medicine. But earlier today, and around the same time yesterday, it was euphoric. Sure I was dizzy, sure it was affecting my ability to perform well in class, but I felt GREAT. I was completely calm, laid-back, happy, I felt wonderful. In short, I can see myself starting to get addicted to this stuff, I’m noticing that if I go to long between doses I start having withdrawal symptoms. I have an addictive personality, it doesn’t take me long at all. Tomorrow, after my surgery to remove the damn wisdom teeth I’m switching to Percocet. I’m partially hoping that it works better and doesn’t make me feel sick the way this crap does, but I’m half hoping not because I’ll be on Percocet a lot longer then I’ve been on vicodin and I don’t want to get addicted to it. Ugh… I guess its my fault though, I should have talked to my dentist about this possibility. I didn’t even really think of it though. Stupid of me. Ugh!! I wish I didn’t have to deal with this, like I wish I didn’t have to deal with my other crap. This sucks

I can do this. I know it’s not this way for everyone, but with me I know it really is mind over matter. I just have to decide its worth more to me to be strong then it is to take the not-so-easy “easy” route. This is not more then I can conquer. I think just deciding that gets me halfway there.

Every freakin addiction or major problem I have ever had is coming back to haunt me all at once. I really thought I was done with some of these.
The thing is, I don’t quite get why now.
Anorexia and bullimia when I’ve been on a perfectly good diet that’s working wonderfully. The urge to start popping pills and drinking again. The urge to go sit in my ex’s car while he smokes pot so I can get the secondary high that I love so much… the overall addiction to that particular ex… aaand I swear I’m turning into a sex addict. Maybe that’s because it’s the only high I’ve allowed myself in months.

I think… I just want to be numb. That would explain why all of this crap is coming back. I want to drown out everything from the past year. Be stupid for awhile again and try to forget.
I know it’s not the answer, I know I need to kick these things before they kick me instead. But it’s sooo tempting… especially the pain killers… ugh, it’s like detoxing all over again.

I have a few that I would like to overcome but namely my cocaine addiction that ran my life for the past 3 years. Luckily, I never got caught or robbed or anything. I finally decided a few months ago (somehow) that I was done. I had enough. It interfeared w/my school and caused me to go through two of the worst (hardest) weeks of my life (because I stayed up all night and didn’t do my scheduled work). Also ,I was never really spiritual and I still don’t know exactly what I beleive but, I started praying and it has helped me more than you will EVER know. Anybody that has this same goal, I wish you all the best of luck. If you would like to talk please let me know. I understand how alone you can feel when overcoming something like this. I couldn’t go to my famly becasue I didn’t want them to know (it would really upset them). Not that they wouldn’t have helped, they just wouldn’t have understood. Also, my friends (who mostly all did it with me) were encouraging but know one tried to quit with me. Oh well, I’m doing it on my own and I am proud of myself no matter what for what I have already accomplished w/this goal!

finally, i feel free. i am free of SI, habbits, and lust…
thats a big deal. i just dont feel like i need it.
i know i dont.
and now, i am not going to do anything i know i shouldn’t do. im not even going to mess around until i am AT LEAST!!!!!!!!!! engaged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ever…
seriously, i made a deal with God. and I am going to keep it. Not just because of what I want from God, but because that is what is right.

I’m over the SI part of my addictions… I decided I didn’t need it any more because of God. And it has been 2 weeks. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is…

Now I have to work on getting over my addiction to a certain boy.. i cheated on my boyfriend with this guy. he is my (x)boyfriend’s best friend. now that i am not with my boyfriend, whats stopping me? nothing. and so far, i like it…

it’s so hard. it’s unbelievable hard… i saw a post from a girl on xanga. it said “i have discovered the joy of ‘under’ water cutting” and for some reason, it hit me hard…
im just going to pray that i forget about it. but i dont think i will….

My husband is frustrated with trying to help me. He forced me to call a residential treatment/rehab type center last week. I was told I would have to be there for 90 days. There is nooooooooo way I would leave my 6 year old daughter for 90 days. I’ve got to do this on my own. I have been taking Norco since February. My doctor prescribed me 10 a day, but I always take more. Before the Norco I was taking Vicodin for about 7 years. I am taking these meds for chronic migraines. It seems to be the only type of meds that work for me. I didn’t take any while I was pregnant. I didn’t have any migraines during my pregancy, which seems to me that they are caused by changes in my hormone levels. I used to take the vicodin at the first sign of a headache, then I began to abuse the meds, taking them more in a preventative way. I would take a couple when I woke up in the morning to give me a pick-me-up. It always seemed to improve my mood and my energy. Then my body needed more to do the same thing with the meds. I became more resistant to it and needed more. I wish I could just take one at the start of a headache and be done with it, but my body craves them and I can’t stop myself from taking them. I have withdrawl symptoms when I don’t take it. I have an upset stomach, the shakes, I sweat uncontrollably, and I really feel like crap. I don’t have health insurance so the meds are also very expensive, but that’s not my biggest problem. My problem is that I don’t know where to go for help or for counseling. I absolutely will NOT leave my daughter and go to a rehab center. Has anyone else been through this? Also, I am depressed. Extremely depressed.

24 H0uRs stRa!ght w!tH0ut 3ating.
32 H0uRs stRaight witH0ut sl33p.Check
12 H0uRs witH0ut dRinking anytHing. (awak3 H0uRs)
0n3 w33k n0 mastuRbati0n. – check
n0 music f0R 24 H0uRs. (awake) check
0ne w33k no myspace- check

I’m a producer with a new television show debuting this fall 2006. We are currently researching a show on addictions (i.e., shopping, Internet, exercise, etc.). If you are struggling with an addiction, I would love to hear your story as soon as possible. Feel free to call me at 212.506.4295 or email tvbambi@yahoo.com.

We tape in NYC. If you are a guest on the show, we provide airfare, hotel and food.

Thanks,
Nikki