But then I found my perfect match. 19 months ago
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to say..”Look, I don’t know all the answers”. “I don’t know where this road will end”..”I didn’t pick this road because it was easy”
“I am going to make mistakes, big ones.” “This isn’t about me finding someone else, answering to someone else for my choices, my decisions..I may fail, epic fail, but this is about finding me.” “Hecks yes, I am proud of me finally, not cause I succeeded, but because in the face of possible failure, I picked that road, because living the other road, could never change no matter how badly I wanted it.” I can finally say..”yep kids, you don’t have all the stuff your friends have..but Tupac never wrote a song about what he had..in retrospect he wrote about what he didn’t have, and the new found respect he had for his mother when he realized, with age, just how much his mother did work miracles every Thanksgiving.” I have fought and I have lost and I have made mistakes and I have apologized, and I remain loving every minute of my Beautiful life 20 months ago
I just needed to say to a third party, that knew nothing about me..”Gosh is it me or what?”
But when he pressed me with a hard question..”What do you want?”
I simply said, “I just want to be normal. I want to wear sweat pants, play bingo, appreciate red bows glued to a fake Christmas tree, like every woman my age. I wanted to grow old with someone. I didn’t want to start my life from scratch..I just don’t know how to do that.”
I am not sure what he said after that…maybe I’ll ask him again. But like opening the flood gates it was such a relief, to finally just say it. The expectations were small. And I could live the rest of my life bitter, that even the smallest request, was never achieved..or I can reach out, and hope the best is yet to come…. 21 months ago
July 4th, the day most everyone celebrates. She wasn’t like most nine year olds that day. She, was waiting..not for fireworks, nor sparklers, nor hot dogs..but for her dad.
Her life, was unlike the average nine year old.
Her dad, was seeing her..for the first time in 90 days….she got taller..she had more freckles, she lost teeth, past the 3rd grade.
Etched in my mind will always be the image, of her, running, from my car, in the parking lot of the BC jail, into the arms of the man, she calls dad…I am not sure how she will eventually process what happened that day..how she will see it. If it will be a wrong, or right decision.
I do know, that love, requires forgiveness. And that you can love someone, that doesn’t always make the right choices. That sometimes, you need that opportunity, to just hug that person. It’s ok to hug, the people that let you down in life..eventually if you live long enough, you will do that too….let someone down…
In the end, it’s mostly about the person, that opens the car door..and tells you to run, forgive regardless of how it works out..I will still be here..car door open…. 22 months ago
Another letter in the mail from the ex. Wonder what the postman thinks when the envelope is stamped B.C. jail. I tossed that envelope around most of the day. It went from hands to desk, to hands, back to desk..till finally I got the courage to open it.
“if you have someone new you should have let me know..it’s been 3 weeks since you saw me. I have no phone because of you, no money on my books, because of you.”
Mind always has to wonder…is it me, that your missing or what I can give you? I pondered what I would have wrote to him, if I were in jail. I think I would have said, I know what your doing. Your raising the kids, completely now, on your own. How are they? I miss each and everyone of them. I’m sorry..I never meant to hurt you.”
Your just another child to me lately, clammering for what you don’t have…
And I can’t even justify that, for my children have done no wrong and deserve whatever I decide to give them. You on the other hand, deserved nothing of what I gave…...And giving for you, has come to an end. 2 years ago