have a relationship with my father

I’m so over it. I think our relationship is as good as it gets. We had lunch together a year ago & that was the last time we saw one another! He said he’d love to do it again, but I honestly think he just said that to smooth over things. He sends me cards. Does that count as a relationship? I keep telling myself that he must be ashamed of me. I guess I’m not pretty enough or smart enough to be his daughter. That makes me so angry! I shouldn’t think such things. I know that I am good enough. I’m tired of the internal battle this goal causes. I’m just giving up. I don’t want to care about it so much.

Yep, I am giving up on this, after a horrible visit with my folks in Honduras for Christmas.. resulting in him suggesting that we, “sever the relationship,” I finally talked to my mother and realized that she agrees that it is not me but he who needs to change, that I am doing nothing wrong. So on the last day of their trip I told him it is up to him, that I am done trying, being disappointed and hurting..he’s got to make the effort finally… it is hard to do, but after talking to my mom about it I realize it is the only thing TO do. We’ll see what happens… and that’s the thing, now it just leaves me waiting… not much better than trying really.

So, I had lunch with him and it wasn’t a disaster.

He e-mailed me and asked me to lunch. This is the first time he’s wanted to meet me since I was sixteen. I didn’t want to, but I figured I had no choice. If I said no he would be hurt. It’s not about him, really. It has everything to do with my crazy issues. I’m afraid that as soon as he sees me he will feel relieved that he left because he will know he didn’t miss much. That’s my greatest fear.

I love how our relationship consists of him sending me a birthday card, giving me money, then asking me to e-mail him, but when I e-mail him he never replies. Does that make any sense at all?

WHY is it that my biggest fear about meeting him is that he’ll be disappointed in me? I know that I have some major self-esteem issues, but seriously, is this really what it comes down to? It doesn’t make any sense!

I’m so screwed up.

I’m not sure what’s holding me back. I don’t resent him anymore. I certainly don’t hate him. I get that people make mistakes; I understand he’s sorry for not wanting to be a part of my life.

I don’t know.

Last Thursday was my twenty-second birthday and I got a card from him. This will be the eighth or so year that he’s religiously sent me a birthday card in the mail, no strings attached. He wants me to e-mail him. I need to e-mail him.

My Mom saw him at Best Buy yesterday and he wanted to know about me—how I was doing, what I was up to, had I decided on a major, was I happy, etc. They actually had a civil conversation. This is a man who told me when I was 14 that he wanted nothing to do with my Mother when it came to our relationship.

I just feel like the time for us to have a relationship has passed. He has his own children, his own life, his own perfect world, so why would he want me in it? I don’t fit. I’m not perfect. I’ve messed up so much. Why would he want a mess up in his life? I guess that’s what it all boils down to. I feel like I’m not good enough to be in his life. I’m not mad at him; I’m mad at myself.