become more self-aware

i’ve ended things with c after a drama filled month and i’m exhausted by it all. i met j at soccer just over a month ago and realized that he was brought into my life so that i could be reminded how a man should treat me! he’s smart and funny and wonderful and i appreciate him so much! but it made me realize that c had to go. we had a fight and i called it quits. i tried to make him see what i needed him to see but after a month of him not being able to be how i needed him to be, i’d had enough! its been horrible coming to the conclusion that i’m not enough the way that i am. that regardless of who i am and what i can offer him, he wants something else. i feel lost and inadequate and sad. more than that though, i feel lonely. removing toxic friends from my life was increadibly hard but at the same time, i feel so alone most of the time. it is hard to reach out to someone when i feel like there is no one out there for me. i had so many people i could spend time with and now i feel like i’m all alone all the time. i have women who matter to me but they are off being married or being mothers and i’m left as a secondary thought! its hard to be able to get the love and support that i need when i’m always the ‘unimportant’ one in their lives. last night i went to have a bath and i was left feeling horribly alone and sad, i had a bathtub breakdown which is a crying fit when i can just let it all out and find some balance. it felt good because it forced me to realize that i need to allow myself to mourn the loss of c, i miss the attention that j gave me when we first met because i was a challenge, i was someone else’s girl, now i’m single and made the stupid error of tlling him that i may want something more from him. what i really need is for him to be there for me, be my friend but still give me the moral support that i need! what i need is to be ok with not having c and learn to appreciate the friend that j is! i miss c so much, he was my future, i wanted children with him, i wanted marriage with him and now i feel like i’ve wasted so much time but at the same time i feel like anyone else i meet will be a fraction of the man he is. no one will be as amazing as c is! i just wish that i could have found him at a time when he could love me as i am, but i didn’t. he’s been hurt and lost and now he’s too scared to go on! what he needs, i can’t give him but it still hurts! we’ve done the break up and get back together thing for so long but at the same time, i know this is final, whereas before, i always assumed there was a chance that things may work. now i’m left truly ending the relationship and its hard! but i know i’ll be ok, i just need to get over it! at the same time, in need to be realistic about why i met j, it wasn’t to start a relationship, it was to realize that i needed to make space from c…getting a good friend out of that is a bonus, not an expectation! as for my friends, i know that i need to put more of an emphasis on making time and being there for the women who matter. i am getting judged by women who i thought were special to me and i dont’ like that. i need to spend time focusing on the women who bring so much to my life and to soem, i need to keep putting my hand out so that when they have time, they can take it and we can bond! i have some beautiful women in my life who i can lean on regardless of what’s going on. i also have women who are important but who are just aquaintances…they are women i spend time with, but from whom i can have no expectations. that’s ok…for the most part, i need to relax and be at peace with who i am and the decisions i make!

sorry for using this as a forum to vent but i needed to put into the universe my thougts on my loss and the challenges i am facing. i often feel so alone and even feel like its all too much but sharing makes things easier to bear!

and its both upsetting and empowering at the same time.

i dote in the same way she does and i demand attention like she does and i’m not happy with either.

i am scared that he’s not really feeling the way he says he is, and i’m scared that if i turn my cheek for one minute, he’ll run away! silly feelings i know but there they are…

funny how i’ve assumed for over 2 yrs that he wasn’t mine…that i had to share him with the world and now that he confirms that he’s mine and that he loves me, that i feel this need to grip even tighter and demand validation even more strongly!

this knowledge empowers me and i’m going to stop gripping, start breathing and if i need to, take a step back from the moment and allow both of us some peace!

but at the same time i get very anxious when i know that others are doing things without me. i want to grow into being not only comfortable but at peace in my own company. the thing is that i love my own company but in many cases, i am so tired/stressed out that when i have time on my own, i sleep or veg. i want to be more focused on doing what i need to do for me and that includes having a lot of time during the week for myself.

i want to limit going out to one night of regular and one night of either dinner/lounge and three social engagements a week.

so far for the upcoming week i have dinner tonight with my sister, tea tomorrow night with kat and my dinner party on thursday night. i am working on saturday until 8 but i will allow myself to go out either friday or saturday night. it seems silly to have to plan this but if i don’t, my whole week will fill up!

i’m so scared that if things aren’t ok, people won’t wanna spend time with me. i need to make sure that they are happy before myself…this isn’t good and i need to stop this cycle!

i never fight with my friends or men i’m dating for fear that if i do, they will leave! as i gain more awareness of what i’m doing, i can see the cycle starting and hopefully either stop it from happening, or at least be aware that it happened and try and stop it from happening the next time

from those around me on an ongoing basis and its unnecessary!

i found myself asking someone what he thought about something just so that i wouldn’t have to say something which may be wrong…

while i am much more aware of my need for validation, i find it freeing to not only become aware, but to stop myself from continuing the cycle by saying something which is intended to seek the validation that i wish to receive.

so i’m not going to make any comments on my self-awareness or being!

I am reading an amazing book called why friendships hurt and the author points out how much our childhoods affect our adult relationships.

this isn’t a surprise to me but what is, is the clarity that i am gaining into affect that my parents characteristics have on my at this point in my life.

there are certain things i detest that my mother does:

1) hugging me:from anyone else fine, from her i feel angry! its like she’s only hugging me because she feels like she needs it or because she seems to be pitying me about something. makes me feel either used or weak!

2) offering emotional support unnecessarily: when something happens like i hurt myself. her first response is to dote on me in a way that is totally over the top for the situation. like i’ll bump by knee and she’ll start panicking and rush to see if i’m ok. again, makes me feel weak and i end up convinving her i’m ok when i may be in pain because i hate when she dotes on me!

3) complements me all the time: makes me angry because it seems so unnecessary and unwarrented. if you’re gonna complement me, do it about something that warrents the attention.

4) overestimating my abilities: she actually seems to feel that i can do anything which is frustrating because if i’m having problems with something, i get angry at myself because i’ve been built up to assume i’ll succeed!

5) seeks reassurance: about everything…clothing, cooking, skills…it’s like she’s unable to judge for herself and unable to make herself review something objectively. it makes her seem weak and it’s exhausting to be around someone who needs constant reassurance.

6) makes a big deal about everything she is going through: she’s not just tired, she’s exhausted, not just hungry but famished! she doesn’t have a cough, she’s got the worst flu! its frustrating to be around because you never know if she’s actually that bad or just seeking attention.

i want to break the cycle that has been created over the past 30 years. it will take some work but i know its important

and i want someone in my life who allows me to be romantic and who fosters romance in my life!

i allow myself to ignore my needs in order to meet the needs of others and i allow myself to ignore my anger for fear that my anger will push others away! i need to establish proof that being myself, and demaning what i want and need will get me the respect that i deserve.

i shouldn’t have to ignore my needs and wants in order to protect an assumption i have! plus, if he’s going to leave because i want him to be more romantic or more polite etc shouldn’t i be done with him anyway!!??

i need to practice being less self-conscious.

my mother is a very self-conscious person and someone who won’t put herself into a situation where she may end up looking silly. i have learnt this from her and am constantly on the lookout for situations where i may look silly

this begins the assumptions that a) people care what i’m doing b) people care if what i’m doing seems strange to them and c) that what they think matters to me.

there are a lot of things that i was taught just aren’t done and as a result i feel very self-conscious when i do them (wear short skirts, dance in certain ways, meet and chat with someone) and i need to get over that.

my goal this week is to go out twice and sit somewhere by my sef and people watch. i always feel that people will look at me funny or come up and start talking to me in a way that will embarass me! so i avoid these types of situations.

i am insecure and lack self-confidence in things as they relate to my outward appearance and interpersonal relationships with those in a non-professional environment (basically, the only place i’m confident in is at work)...

this insecurity means that i cling when i needn’t and i project a sense of neediness which is disruptive and negative.

i do things so that i will get the validation that i need to overcome the insecurity and when i don’t get it…feel abandoned and unloved.

i need to aquire the ability to realize my self-worth and to recognize when i’m being needy or seeking validation and either vocalize this need or move beyond it!