overcome borderline personality disorder

really feel i’ve set myself back a bit with this. think i let physical illness pull my mood down – you know just got put back with my simple everyday routines that i really need to make me feel better. stuff lots of people seem to do no problem. just got behind on cleaning, cooking, walking , exercise – that sort of stuff. amazing how letting the simple things like that go really affect my headspace. i’d say over three weeks i’ve managed to get myself really low again. then my reolve to deal with stuff just isn’t as strong – i start getting more irritated with my daughter and go back to the more controlling parenting methods. same with my h – start letting him get to me and losing my temper – all the same old reactions.

i also had to pack in my therapy – it is just so expensive – i simply can’t afford it just now. i do have a couple of self help books though that i could have been getting on with and haven’t. hopefully i’ll find some more motivation to pick that up.

for now i’ve decided to try and lift my depression a bit so trying to get started on some depression cbt exercises. i’ll see how it goes.

i’m feeling pretty down – negative feelings all kind of creeping up on me. can’t feel motivated really. thinking about packing in my cbt mainly ‘cos it’s expensive. i reckon i should give it another 4 weeks then try to do the self help stuff as in an Angry HEart. I had been trying that but just don’t find the time to get though it or rather prefer spending my time doing other stuff like lazing about. got annoyed at my daughter today too. i’ve been trying not to let her cheek get to me but this morning i just couldn’t shrug it off the way i have been. just getting fed up being called an idiot and crap mother. after putting up with her shouting and screaming i ended up just putting her out the door physically in order that she get the school bus on time. managed to just catch the neighbours too as they go on their merry way. i feel really down though. i have been just putting up with her crap in the mornings and by the time she has been ready to go to school she has came round a bit and has left with a kiss goodbye. it is hard though to feel warmly to someone when they’re giving you all sorts of crap and then just turn round like everything is ok. i suppose it’s my karma catching up with me. i was thinking today that if her behaviour just goes on like this then when she is 18 i will make her leave. i feel crap for thinking like that and i worry too as i don’t think by 18 she’ll be nearly ready to leave the house but the thought of this sort of relationship just going on and on. i suppose it’s the bpd as well creeping up on me making me lose perspective. i think the past couple of weeks i’ve been feeling pretty ill physically – it seems to have affected my mood too and optimism quite badly. i keep writing here just so i am doing one other small thing towards keeping on top of this.

oh man – i’m really starting to feel like someone’s out to test me here. got a phone call last night saying my h was in police station having failed a breath test and been done for speeding – and he had my 2 younger girls aged 4 & 5 with him in the police station.

feeling pretty down about this. i’ve had numerous arguments with him about drink driving. i told him last time that it just wasn’t on anymore – that it was a breaking point for me. just worried that that is just ‘another one’ sort of. anyway i feel strongly about it. the thing is though he had said a while ago that he had stopped drinking as it was really becoming a problem. feel like this is just another instance of him pulling th wool over my eyes.

i suppose i need to sit down and work things out properly. actually by the time i got to police station they said he was in fact ok – he says he only had one beer so when they took him to the station after failing the initial test he was ok.

doesn’t really change anything though. still that mindset. he knows he is going to pick up the kids but still goes to the pub beforehand. i need to work this out properly.

on the positive side i did manage to keep pretty cool about it. i knew i had to give him the benefit of the doubt until i at least got to the station. i did phone his mum to tell her though on the insistance of my mum – i wish i hadn’t did that – and that was kind of impulsive.

the other thing is we were not really meant to start living together until i try to work things out a bit here. i had said after christmas. annyway he has kind of crept back into the house – both of us getting comfortable i suppose. i just wonder though if it would be best to really give us more time apart – i just kind of feel i am trying to deal with enough of my own shit without dealing with him – it just seems like one thing after another it’s starting to get in the way of me working on me i think.

anyway – this is one i defiantely need to work out. this is where i have been doing really shit. i should be doing these cbt exercises which help me work out my thoughts such as this but i just never seem to get round to actually doing it. i need to start applying myself more here.

god wot a trying week. had my brother go off on one at me for no good reason…well saying he is my brother. is true though – he wasn’t brought up in the same household with no effect at all. got me thinking about our upbringing. wondering why my sister seems so controlled. guess we all held different positions iin the family, different status’s and had differing effects on each other. had things go over in my head. got to feeling really angry thinking about it all thinking about some of the shit he gave me blah blah. he definately has some borderline behaviour i.e. the raging. with a little bit of insight though it is easier for me to deal with that shit. was a point not so long ago when one of his outbursts like that would have created ww3.

then same night i end up having an argument with my h. well he was pissed off at me over something but was something i wasn’t prepared to budge on. i didn’t want it to create animosity between us but well he obviously didn’t want to let it go sulking for ages after. i kept trying to bring him out his mood but it was only leading to an argument. it never exploded though – which is probably a first for me – having an argument that doesn’t escalate full blast. i was able to feel my anger and knew where it would go if i let it – somehow managed to bring it back. also managed to call it quits before we were shouting and was also aware of the kids and was aware that i wasn’t going to be arguing in front of them – another first. felt annoyed that my h was going down the road he was – considering i am trying to deal with this – but once i took some time to think realised that the world doesn’t stop and revolve around me just cos i find out i’m bpd. also realised that although i felt he had been escalating things cos of his reluctance to come out of his mood – that hey if he wants to be in a mood that is up to him – i don’t and shouldn’t have control over that. also made me read the chapter on anger in my cbt book so something positive came of it. actually i’m glad it happened – we had a disagreement that never went out of control and i learned a lot from that. it’s not like arguments are just not going to happen anymore but i do need to know how to deal with them better – so yeah some progress was made.

my teenage daughter is off on a big night out tonight – this was her reward for behaving 50% of the time – i’m totally chuffed about that. yeah her tantrums are still going strong but as i said before they are becoming less frequent and less disturbing cos i’m not joining in. the fact that she is off out tonight is testimont to the progress we have both made there. i’m feeling great for that.

now need to get my finger out get the house cleaned etc – i’ve been totally off my feet this week with illness so have let things go to pot there. so need to try and get things sorted out.

interesting and trying week. i think i did ok although i am still thinking really negatively and twisted – i wish my ways of thinking would be better but i suppose small steps.

have been feeling crap the past couple of days – the flu i think. have ben in bed all day yesterday just about. could hardly get up this morning – hadn’t eaten anything so was feeling light headed too and running late …very late. so putting it down to that but was feelingmore like my old self – uptight tense – even shouted at one point. phoned hubby at work – despite having not been doing this. thought he’d taken my last tenner out my pocket (again:-) but started to feel stressed about this evn though i have promised myself not to to get stressed over money. anyway he actually hadn’t – think my daughter must have taken it by mistake. i never got mad at him – which is what i usually would have done but i did assume he had taken it, i did feel stressed at this, i did resign myself to the fact that i was going to tell him i was fed up with this, i did phone him to ask. that is a bit of a step back for me. i would have preferred to have stopped, thought things out i.e., defined the problem – me having no money. then outlined 3 solutions at which point i would have realised that i actually didn’t need any money today so even if he had taken so what after all i have already said to myself that i shouldn’t be getting stressed over it. then i could have decided what to do i.e. at that point would have been make my daughter lunch instead of giving her money – and so what if it made me later – i was already running late anyway and if i felt i had to confirm it later with him wait til he got in from work. i’m annoyed i didn’t do that – it’s like my (not so old) ways kicked in and took over – jumped to the worst conclusion (and the wrong one) and took action WITHOUT THINKING. on the positive side i could have been worse – i could have phoned him accused him right off then proceeded to be a grumpy cow anyway refusing to believe him.

oh well i can’t expect to change over night i suppose.

onwards and upwards:-)

making a little progress i think – at least on the side of how i am expressing myself. so everyday stuff that i need to get on the phone about – incompetences that usually get my blood boiling – i’ve been able to stay pretty calm about (crossed fingers). i have maybe even swung too far the other way – tending to just let things go as opposed to trying to be assertive. i would like to assert myself but i don’t really know how to do that without sounding angry and arrogant. at least for now just not getting pissed off and ranting on is really helping me feel a sense of calm.

i’ve been ok too at not getting annoyed with my h – especially when loads of stuff has been happening with him that would normally send me mad – mainly revolving around money. although in saying that i probably i’m still being a bit controlling i.e. pushing him a bit to find work etc. i know that should be ‘his stuff’ but it really does impact on me and the kids and without a push from me he honestly would never get anything done. i’ve been making it a gentle push though as opposed to the proverbial quick kick in the baws he would usually get. i’ve just been trying to remind myself that i should be nurturing my family, trying to focus on the really important stuff, keeping some perspective (well trying to).

i’ve made progress this week too with my daughter. it has been a week since she has had an almightly blow up. sure she is still going on a rant a few times a day – but i really am letting her antics go by me. i’m mastering the knack of saying my piece e.g. telling her that is what is happening, why and that i’m not going to be saying any more on the subject , then just ignoring anything else she starts firing out at me,(getting her to stay in her room if things are too out of hand – although that is a tsk in intself) and following through with the consequences. when i think how i would usually react to her – it would just add fuel to the fire with almighty hell breaking loose.

anyway – those are the positives. i had a good week. i enjoyed the episodes of peace i had – and i was thankful for the simple beautiful things in life – my son starting to crawl, my 5 year old learning to ride her 2 wheeler.

therapy again tomorrow.

i’ve been feeling really down the past couple of days. collapsing in a mess basically. luckily not in sight of anyone else – but that seems in itself a problem to me too. for as long as i can remember i have hidden these feelings from everyone. when i was upset when i was really small i used to hide. then when i was a teenager i would breakdown only in my room when i was out of sight and sound from everyone else. again as an adult i retreat to my room when i am alone. i feel like i have hid all this well. sure people have seen the crazy side of me – when i’m shouting my mouth off at them giving them their characters. it’s understandable why i’m hated by some – well anyone that’s experienced that side of me – except perhaps some of my family. no one’s really seen the sadness – the upset it causes me. i finished reading the book today “Get me out of here”. just left me feeling like crap – like well people could feel warmly to her cause despite the bpd they could still see the goodness in her – i doubted if the same could be said of me. i refrain from going into detail what i really ended up thinking of me but suffice it to say i felt/feel a mess. so here i’ve been appearing to be this super strong woman whose getting on no bother – except appears to some at times as a complete bitch and at othertimes i guess just a bit odd. the first time i went to the docs about feeling this low must have been around 10 years ago. after waiting around 8 months to see a psychologist – by which time i had had to take other steps myself at getting me out of a crisis point – they seem to think that my positive thinking trip has done the job then and that there is nothing really up. i never approached the doc again ‘till a couple of years ago when they prescribe me with prozac which i took for around 3 months but stopped using as never felt any different. the thing is i can never reveal to the doc how i really feel – denying all suicidal feelings – terrified that might mean i somehow get intervention that takes the kids away or just makes everything worse. even this time when i book into private cbt therapy it appears to her that i’m managing really well – she suggests a book for me to buy – kind of self help in cbt. i don’t really want to read another book. i want some help some one to one help where i can express how i really feel. yet i can’t really do that for fear of the intervention and negative attention that may bring me. anyway i’ve got another session tonight. see what that brings.

i have been doing ok but really feel like i am avoiding doing the real work – well i’m here now – just another excuse not to do what i know i should be. all day i’ve been saying i will go and write in my journal and do the exercises but i end up doing everything and anything apart from that. this is what i am afraid of.

i have been horrified to view my daughter’s behaviour in light of my bdp. the past couple of years with her have been getting more and more difficult. however, now a light has been switched on and i can clearly see how my behaviour has both influenced and hurt her. all this time i have been blaming her. sure i could see how she had licked up some of my ways, my expressions, my words. however i had failed to put it all together. i feel ashamed. i have not been as good a mother as i should have been. i’m not talking about being perfect – but i have caused some damage to her – and i’m just hoping like hell i will be able to turn things around a bit.

for the past couple of weeks i have been aiming to stop reacting to her during her tantrums etc. i am pleased with myself that i have been more or less able to do that – well at least i have not lost my temper and escalated an already bad situation into ww3. even although at times she has spent the whole day raging at me it has still been a better situation than both of us raging at each other. i’m terrified though that i’ll not be able to keep my cool indefinately.

i am also going to push harder for couunselling for her. she definately needs it.

one of the few things i’m sure of just now – i will only be able to tackle this one day at a time. need to stop myself projecting into the future or dwelling on the past – as it happens a day is long enough just now. going to stop reading stuff on bpdFamily.com. thought it might be good to get some insight into how those close to us feel – but it only makes me feel like crap.